In case anyone was truly scared, I’ll go ahead and let the cat out of the bag right now: no one went naked to the Oscars on The Rachel Zoe Project last night. No one ever does, but the continued threat that it might actually happen seems to be what literally sustains Rachel and gets her out of bed in the morning.
Dresses were pulled, stars were dressed, Johnny Weir was fabulous, The Rodge was a total and utter buffoon for an hour. In some ways, this show doesn’t change a whole lot from episode to episode. It’s kind of a one-trick pony, but luckily I love that one trick.
Last time we saw our fashion warriors, they were in Milan and, well, they’re still there! Very little time-lapse between these fashion week episodes, eh? It was Armani/Gucci/Pucci day in Italy and Rodger ate some pasta, apparently for breakfast. Italians: do you guys really eat pasta for breakfast? If so, I’m jealous. I may even be more jealous of the copious pasta consumption than I was of the fashion show attendance. I’m on a diet, so I feel like that’s entirely justified.
Unfortunately for Rachel, after the last three shows in Milan all of her clients were still going naked to the Oscars, except for maybe Demi. It must be difficult to pick dresses for the most scrutinized fashion event in the world, particularly when you know that most of the scrutinizers don’t react well to anything but straightforward glamour. At some point during these scenes, some sort of mention was made of The Rodge and a blow-up doll or something, but I’ve blocked it out of my head because the mental picture was too horrifying.
Back in Los Angles, Rachel was yakking with Brad and Jordan about something or other, and out from the television the words JOHNNY WEIR jumped and hit me in the face. I LOVE JOHNNY WEIR. He so fabulous and unreasonable and totally himself that his inclusion in this episode made me unnaturally happy.
Speaking of “unnaturally happy,” next up was a trip to…jewelry. Van Cleef? I think it was Van Cleef. I don’t remember. There was too much sparkle, and it completely wiped out my ability to think thoughts or form words or use letters. The jewelry man had on a single glove. Single. Glove. With no irony. Admittedly I don’t shop for much fine jewelry, so perhaps that’s common, but it struck me as almost absurdist in its hilarity.
Back at Johnny Weir central, err, the office, Rachel was wearing Joseph The Chicken’s Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat O’ Feathers in anticipating of Johnny’s arrival and then Johnny Weir put on some high heels and strutted around, at which point I died of an overdose of happy right there. I then came back from the dead, and Brad and Johnny were doing figure skating poses on the floor. It was one big, fantastic, gay lovefest dunked in glitter, and I want to move to whatever planet these people came from.
When things snapped back into reality (if ANYTHING on this show can really be referred to as reality), the blue Pucci dress had been delivered and, uh, there was a feather issue. Major. Feather. Issue. As in, there were feathers, which apparently wasn’t clear on the runway. Also, Ashley was sick. Oscar time isn’t a good time to be sick, since it seemed like Brad basically wanted her fired right then and there. Kinda harsh, but for anyone who has made it through an eleven-hour day by virtue of constant swigs straight from an orange bottle of Dayquil and a $5.99 meatloaf lunch scarfed down in 20 minutes at the diner around the corner (It was also the day after Thanksgiving. INTERNING BLOWS.), the fact that she should have shown up and played hurt was already self-evident at that point.
The dress hunt continued without Ashley, and although Cameron had been confirmed for an Oscar de la Renta dress, Rachel was dependent on Versace to come through so that Demi wouldn’t go naked. Rachel showed up at the atelier to be presented with two dresses: one looked like the (losing) product of a Project Runway challenge where the contestants could only use tin foil and gum wrappers to make couture, and the other one was…heaven. Heaven in a dress. It’s also the one that Demi actually ended up wearing, and I remembered it as soon as Rachel entered the room. THAT’s the sign of a good dress.
While Rachel was later getting groomed to go to a party, The Rodge was in the background as always, pouting and whimpering and feeling sorry for himself because he wasn’t having any fun. He apparently has no problem spending the money that Rachel makes, but he doesn’t want her to be anything but pregnant, quiet and sexually available. Thankfully, Rachel’s hair gay told them both to stop being so awful, although it was mostly just The Rodge who was harshing my mellow.
Things were a little snippy the next morning too, when The Rodge was upset that someone had come to inconvenience him by cutting his hair in his very own apartment and that the Hair Gay was flipping pages in a magazine too loudly and that Rachel was on speakerphone, even though the use of speakerphone is one the the Covenants of Reality Television, as dictated by our supreme overlord Andy Cohen. Rachel finally called him out for it, telling him that all he had to do was have brunch and go to viewing parties and not do any actual work, and he reverted straight back to being a five-year-old. If he had had a ball, he would have gathered it up and gone home. As it was, he sat in the car and took a nap.
The Oscars finally happened and Cameron didn’t miss the carpet and Demi didn’t go naked, and it was all a great triumph. Brad ate some Doritos and cruised some daddies outside of Rachel’s building, and then he and Rachel had a little celebration while The Rodge continued to act irritated and roll his eyes so hard that I’m surprised they didn’t get stuck that way.
EXCEPT, WAIT. FASHION EMERGENCY. JOHNNY WEIR IS WEARING THE SAME THING AS ANOTHER PERSON AT HIS TABLE AT THE ELTON JOHN PARTY.
But before we talk about that, can we talk about the Johnny Weir Bluefly commercial that happened at approximately this point in the show (at least on the East Coast) for a second? The Balenciaga tree? I died for the second time this episode. You guys know how much of a Balenciaga fangirl I am, and he had such AMAZING COLORS. And he had Joseph The Chicken’s Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat O’ Feathers! Which he got in this episode! But not from Bluefly, so that’s sort of false advertising, right? Kinda?
Anyway, the suit thing with Johnny wasn’t Team Zoe’s doing, but Brad saved the day by referencing the perfect episode of Beverly Hills 90210 and sending a bunch of blazers over to the event. Don’t you wish you had a friend like that, who could just make a bunch of fabulous clothes appear when you’re feeling insecure about your outfit?
Unfortunately, the episode just couldn’t end on a good note. It had to end on a Rodger note. He was back again, complaining about the Oscars and how they weren’t important even though they’re basically the most important thing that Rachel’s company, of which he is the president, does all year. He also nearly backhanded her for calling him Mr. Zoe and then told her that he just wanted her to have a kid so that he’d have a buddy. HEY RODGE, NOT A GREAT REASON TO HAVE A KID THAT YOUR WIFE DOESN’T REALLY WANT.
I know that the entire thing was supposed to have a sarcastic undertone, but, uh, there was a little too much non-sarcasm in there for me. The Rodge is whiney, petulant and not terribly mature, and I honestly don’t know why Rachel puts up with it. I get the impression that she might be better off single and able to fully enjoy her gaggle of girls and gays. Wouldn’t we all.