As anyone who has watched previous seasons of The Rachel Zoe Project knows, Rachel literally (Rachel’s definition, not the actual definition that exists in objective reality) lives and breathes on awards shows. The first episode of season three was oddly free of any red carpet machinations, but we ran into the Golden Globes face-first last night.
There were gowns! And problems! And late fittings! It’s become clear that this show could exist without any narrative at all, because I think we all really watch to see Rachel’s Birkins and the ridiculous dresses and Brad dancing around and trying on the clothes. They could just do that for an hour every week and I’d still watch, plus they wouldn’t have to worry about heavy-handedly trying to remind us all that Rodger is a football-loving, beer-drinking, straight dudebro. None of us care – more Van Cleef, please.
Of course things kicked off with a shopping trip to Fred Segal, but Rachel wasn’t feeling was shopportunistic as usual because of the drama of the impending Golden Globes. That doesn’t mean shopping didn’t happen, though – of course it did. Rachel eventually managed to get out of her unreasonably plush bathrobe (does she live in a hotel?) and turned up to find new looks for a “new beginning” with Brad, who she thinks needs to butch things up a little bit. I disagree – I love how delightfully un-butch Brad is, what with his bow ties and retro glasses. It works for him. For her part, Rachel considered getting a bob for about a second and a half, but rightfully concluded that that wouldn’t be a great idea.
Lest we forget, though, it’s Golden Globes time! Starlets need dresses like a crackhead needs a hit! Brad and Jordan got together to pull some options and drop some names, which his half the point of this show (the other half, of course, is sheer and unabated sartorial lust.) Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Garner were all going to need pretty sparklies for the big day, as well as possibly Paula Patton.
But before any of that can happen, we have to meet the new girl. Her name is Ashley and she has three years of experience, and Brad went about the business of assigning her a seat at the table and warning her to stay at least ten yards away from Taylor at all times. I’m not sure if Brad thought that perhaps Taylor would tackle her on sight, but for whatever the reason, he put the fear of God into the new girl about four seconds after she sat down.
In other parts of the Zoe Universe, it seems that for some reason, the producers are intent on making Rodger a relevant character this season instead of just letting him be the middle-aged guy in the background with the Justin Beiber haircut. As a result, we accompanied him on a workout with his trainer. In between exercises, he helpfully reviewed the rules for Golden Globes season, which include that he’s not allowed to speak to Rachel or even look at her the wrong way. Most husbands would probably love a month away from their wives to do guy stuff without anyone nagging them or interrupting, but apparently Rodger is not most husbands. Take that for what you will.
The Globes talk started up again in earnest when Rachel got back to the office to welcome the new employee, and some stuff was said about jewelry and Van Cleef and I don’t even know what else. The entire time, a giant Birkin was sitting on the counter in the middle of the shot, staring at me, and it made me nervous so I didn’t really listen. Hermes has that effect on me.
Eventually they all moved from the Birkin over to the clothing racks and started pulling piece after piece of fabulous clothing and making the new girl feel uncomfortable by paying absolutely no attention to her presence in the room. When they were finished doing that, they gave her the hardest job of all – dress the pregnant lady for the Golden Globes! Not only had Paula Patton finally confirmed that she was going, but she was also “with child” (Have you heard her husband’s music? I would be preggo too.) If I were Ashley, I would have crapped my pants and passed out on the spot. I guess that’s why I’m a blogger instead.
But then, wait, STOP. THE HOTEL GAVE CAMERON’S ATELIER VERSACE DRESS TO THE WRONG PERSON. PANIC. I’m not entirely clear on why the dress was at a hotel to begin with, but the hotel apparently gave a dress worth tens of thousands of dollars to the first random person who came in and said that they had a pick up. Maybe I should try that tomorrow – just go to random hotels and say I have a pickup and maybe I’ll be given safes full of jewelry or suitcases of cash or a brand new Mercedes or other things that are worth as much as an Atelier Versace dress. And then I’ll flee to France, who won’t extradite me back to the US when my subterfuge has been discovered, and I’ll be free to live out the rest of my life with whatever ill-gotten gains I may have plundered.
Wait, never mind, crisis averted. The hotel accidentally sent the dress to Malibu. To Pierce Brosnan’s house! So the entire time, while Rachel thought a rival stylist had stolen it, the Versace dress was actually in the protective hands of James Bond. Well that’s a relief, because the entire time I had visions of Taylor wearing it around her apartment and cackling wildly at her victory. Instead, Lucio from Versace finally showed up with the not-really-stolen dress, and as it turns out, Rachel doesn’t like it anyway. Send it away!
In between all the manic dress-pulling, we actually got a little human moment: the next day, Brad sat down with the new girl before anyone else arrived to work and told her to really assert herself and her personal style in the styling process. He did it in a way that was simultaneously supportive and non-critical, and Ashley seemed a little brighter and more enthusiastic afterward. Did we actually just witness a positive workplace dynamic on a Bravo show? Has anyone informed Andy Cohen that Brad isn’t doing his part to make the network sufficiently embarrassing? Clearly, this show needs some Danielle Staub. We just can’t have that kind of happiness or psychological health around here. Stop classing up the joint, Bradley!
And then when Rachel got to the office, things were still happy and supportive. She liked the dresses that Ashley had chosen! Wait, this can’t last, back to negativity and panic. Brad informed everyone that Taylor would be styling someone at the Globes, and Rachel again managed to throw a fit. She also claimed to be taking the high road about the situation, which was verifiably untrue, but also sounded a little like something that a lot of us probably do – tell ourselves we’re doing the right thing while doing the wrong thing, and hope that saying it repeatedly will somehow make it so. Afterward, Rachel flipped out at Rodger for telling her that it was supposed to rain on the day of the Globes. Not for causing the rain, because of course he didn’t, but just for telling her that it might happen. Ok, so maybe I now understand why he didn’t seem enthusiastic about awards season.
Things were quickly made better when Molly Sims came in to play with all the fun clothes, and clearly everything looks wonderful on Molly Sims. Fitting her made Rachel’s job look completely fun and glamourous, just like we all imagine it would be, and Molly seemed like a dream client. Not only did she fit all the sample sizes, but they looked like they belonged on her body. Within a few minutes, they had complete looks for both of her events.
While all of that was going on, Rodger was watching playoff football with perhaps the straightest, most heterosexual group of guys in the entirety of Los Angeles County. They sat on normal-looking couches in a normal-looking house and yelled at the television about crappy throws, and we could have been watching a scene from anywhere in America. Then someone brought out a baby and Rodger reminded us that Rachel needed to have a kid and quick so she’d have someone to inherit all of her vintage clothes, and we were immediately back in the Stylist Universe.
Back at the apartment, Rachel was finally able to confirm all of her clients in their dresses for the Globes, and then it was time for the really, really amazing part – JEWELRY. Brad and Rachel sat around a giant table of priceless jewelry to sparkle everyone up for the big day. I may or may not have paused my DVR to get a good, long look at some of the best pieces. I also may have rewound and watched the whole thing again. Possibly.
And then, tragedy struck. Not real tragedy, but stylist tragedy! The big day had arrived and everyone was losing their minds already, but then…the rain. It started. I wasn’t aware that it rained in LA, but it was raining that day. Rachel seemed to have forgotten that it was raining on everyone, not just her clients, but I guess you forget about things like rain protocol when you live in the desert. Apparently the Golden Globes also forgot about the difficulties of precipitation, because they didn’t even bother to put up a tent. Everyone had to carry umbrellas and hike up their dresses so they didn’t touch the nasty, wet carpet which probably smell like wet dog by the time the ceremony rolled around.
Everyone managed to slog down the carpet, though, and they all looked amazing. Well, I didn’t love the Alexander McQueen for Cameron Diaz, but I liked it much better than the pink Chanel from last season, so…progress! And, of course, Rachel managed to avert disaster again, just like every episode. Until next week, that is…