Last week I complained that Real Housewives of Miami was all talk and no action, but last night, we got the action. Karent and Adriana, Alexia and Karent, Lea and Marysol, Joanna and Romain, Elaine and Mama Elsa. Everyone had a bone to pick with everyone else, and it was resplendent. That’s what we watch this mess for, after all.

From what I remember, Joanna and Romain’s not-so-romantic dinner might be the first time that cheating allegations were actually sussed out on camera on Real Housewives, taking us one step further into the relationship-destroying k-hole that is Bravolebrity fame.

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami was one of those where Bravo’s editors gave us all the foreplay and none of the action. Everyone was talking about the same ol’ conflicts they’ve been talking about (and not making any progress on) since the beginning of the season, and it looks as though none of them are going to come to a head until next week.

Has ever a cheating confrontation been as flat and unemotional as the one between Joanna and Romain on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami? Not that I can think of, but admittedly, there are probably some cheating confrontations that I’ve missed over the years. The ones that I’m familiar with are usually during late-night reruns of Cheaters, which occasionally involves the host getting stabbed.

The upshot of last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami was this: Joanna and Marta shouldn’t be living together, Ana should sign her divorce papers and get it over with and no one should pick a fight with a drag queen at a night club. If all of these Housewives would just listen to my advice, I could solve all their problems.

Originally, I intended to extend my recapping hiatus to the November premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but I saw last week’s premiere of Real Housewives of Miami and actually…enjoyed it? Even giggled a few times? So now I’m back from my reality TV vacation to make fun of our new Miami cast, which includes both a few holdovers from last season (Mama Elsa!) and a few new arrivals (Joanna Krupa, perfect human).

Even though we’ve all been embroiled in a tumultuous love-hate relationship with the Kardashians since mid-May, the season finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians still managed to sneak up on us. But it’s September and all your favorite shows are returning to the airwaves this week, so it’s time to say goodbye to fluffy summer filler. And that, of course, includes the entire Kardashian clan its shameless shenanigans factory.

Finally. A totally frivolous episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians! No manufactured-for-the-cameras drama, no triflin’ cat fights, no desperate grabs for screen time, just some good old fashioned Kardashian ridiculousness, with boob jobs and dick jokes galore! It was a return to the Kardashians we all know and love. Or, at least, the Kardashians we can actually tolerate in hour-long increments…

The episode kicked off with the Kardashian sisters discussing Kourt’s oncoming baby bonanza.

My love-hate relationship with the Kardashians is teetering heavily towards unrelenting hatred this week. We all know the Kardashians are completely ridiculous people (with wardrobes that are so nice that we almost forgive them for it), but in this week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, a lot of them seemed downright stupid, emotionally insensitive, and perfectly miserable. I’m looking at you, Kris Jenner.

Ladies, when a man swoops into your closet, throws out all your old clothes, and replaces them with new ones that he hand-picked himself, is it love, or is time to change your cell number?

This week’s riveting episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians kicked off with Kanye West insisting that Kim borrow his stylist so she could join him on the glossy pages of People magazine’s “Best Dressed” list in 2013.

I have to say, the lack of Keeping Up With The Kardashians in my DVR last weekend really left me bereft. No Kardashians, after all, equals nowhere for Emily to channel all of her blinding, unfocused rage. Thus, it was a tough week for my husband. I mean, it wasn’t as tough as it is for Bruce Jenner on any given day, but, you know, it was still comparatively tough.

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