Last week I complained that Real Housewives of Miami was all talk and no action, but last night, we got the action. Karent and Adriana, Alexia and Karent, Lea and Marysol, Joanna and Romain, Elaine and Mama Elsa. Everyone had a bone to pick with everyone else, and it was resplendent. That’s what we watch this mess for, after all.

From what I remember, Joanna and Romain’s not-so-romantic dinner might be the first time that cheating allegations were actually sussed out on camera on Real Housewives, taking us one step further into the relationship-destroying k-hole that is Bravolebrity fame. Their relationship may not be destroyed quite yet, though; find out after the jump. (more…)

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami was one of those where Bravo’s editors gave us all the foreplay and none of the action. Everyone was talking about the same ol’ conflicts they’ve been talking about (and not making any progress on) since the beginning of the season, and it looks as though none of them are going to come to a head until next week.

So, in the meantime, what do you guys think? Is Karent as much of an obvious fame hound as she seems to be, above and beyond the regular amount of Housewives famewhoring? Is Romain cheating on Joanna? Is Marta really as shiftless as she’s been made out to be? Does Lea have a single thing to talk about besides her party and Marysol? Let’s explore all of those questions. (more…)

Has ever a cheating confrontation been as flat and unemotional as the one between Joanna and Romain on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami? Not that I can think of, but admittedly, there are probably some cheating confrontations that I’ve missed over the years. The ones that I’m familiar with are usually during late-night reruns of Cheaters, which occasionally involves the host getting stabbed. (Seriously. Google that. Thank me later.)

Most of the rest of the episode was taken up with talking about people who weren’t present for somewhat dubious reasons, which is a long-standing Real Housewives tradition, particularly at this point in the season. Oh, and Adriana took her top off. It only took four episodes this season! (more…)

The upshot of last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami was this: Joanna and Marta shouldn’t be living together, Ana should sign her divorce papers and get it over with and no one should pick a fight with a drag queen at a night club. If all of these Housewives would just listen to my advice, I could solve all their problems. For a small consultant fee, of course. I have rent to pay.

Usually, Real Housewives franchises start with a lot of marriages and then descend, over the course of seasons, into the morass of tension, mistrust and eventual divorce that is so common on reality TV. In Miami, though, it seems like we’ve jumped head-first into that middle part – exactly how many of these women are married and planning to stay that way? Two? I don’t have a problem with that like some people do (Real Housewives long ago morphed into something other than a show about married women), but it’s interesting how to changes the dynamics of the show. (more…)

Originally, I intended to extend my recapping hiatus to the November premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but I saw last week’s premiere of Real Housewives of Miami and actually…enjoyed it? Even giggled a few times? So now I’m back from my reality TV vacation to make fun of our new Miami cast, which includes both a few holdovers from last season (Mama Elsa!) and a few new arrivals (Joanna Krupa, perfect human).

After only two episodes, we already have a promising season on our hands. This episode consisted mostly of our Housewives, at least half of which are in the process of getting married or divorced, dealing with their various over-eager or under-eager significant others. Without further ado, you can find the recap where it always is: after the jump. (more…)

Even though we’ve all been embroiled in a tumultuous love-hate relationship with the Kardashians since mid-May, the season finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians still managed to sneak up on us. But it’s September and all your favorite shows are returning to the airwaves this week, so it’s time to say goodbye to fluffy summer filler. And that, of course, includes the entire Kardashian clan its shameless shenanigans factory.

This episode was nothing if not light and fluffy, except for a few minor family hiccups. Since no Kris Humphries-esque drama drove the season to its epic conclusion this year, it ended with the only shoe that needed to drop: Kourtney’s baby. FINALLY. Kourt’s pregnancy hormones have practically scripted the entire season, but after months of waiting, she finally pushed out baby Penelope on this episode. That’s right ladies, Operation Disick Drop is a GO. (more…)

Finally. A totally frivolous episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians! No manufactured-for-the-cameras drama, no triflin’ cat fights, no desperate grabs for screen time, just some good old fashioned Kardashian ridiculousness, with boob jobs and dick jokes galore! It was a return to the Kardashians we all know and love. Or, at least, the Kardashians we can actually tolerate in hour-long increments…

The episode kicked off with the Kardashian sisters discussing Kourt’s oncoming baby bonanza. Kourt confessed she couldn’t wait to have even more children and speculating that she could squeeze 4 more into her current abode, if she used bunk beds. This was all news to Scott. Apparently Scott doesn’t wear condoms (SURPRISE!), and Kourtney doesn’t want to go on the pill again because she doesn’t even “believe it in any more.” Sooo…that’s one mystery solved. Scott was clearly pretty freaked out by this whole idea, so much so that he later decided to take matters into his own hands. But not by wearing a rubber of course. More on that after the jump! (more…)

My love-hate relationship with the Kardashians is teetering heavily towards unrelenting hatred this week. We all know the Kardashians are completely ridiculous people (with wardrobes that are so nice that we almost forgive them for it), but in this week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, a lot of them seemed downright stupid, emotionally insensitive, and perfectly miserable. I’m looking at you, Kris Jenner.

As we remember from last week, Rob had to run off-screen and have a good cry at the end of the episode. Part two picks up right where we left off – with Big Sis Khloe and Dr. Whatsherface attending to Rob’s emotional needs in the bathroom while the cameras rolled. Meanwhile Kim, Mom, and Kourt remained in the therapy room, privately wondering if they should try to look more concerned for the camera. (more…)

Ladies, when a man swoops into your closet, throws out all your old clothes, and replaces them with new ones that he hand-picked himself, is it love, or is time to change your cell number?

This week’s riveting episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians kicked off with Kanye West insisting that Kim borrow his stylist so she could join him on the glossy pages of People magazine’s “Best Dressed” list in 2013. This is especially odd (and maybe a little insulting) because Kim once worked as stylist to the stars. What happens when stylists get styled? Everything with fuzzy shearling trim gets thrown out, apparently. Kim was suffering under the delusion that she was “becoming a little more of an individual” via this closet purging process – and I’m sure that’s exactly how Kanye spun it. But I still find it strange that Kanye is so obsessed with curating Kim’s entire wardrobe. Is it flattering, controlling or creepy? All three? I can’t decide! (more…)

I have to say, the lack of Keeping Up With The Kardashians in my DVR last weekend really left me bereft. No Kardashians, after all, equals nowhere for Emily to channel all of her blinding, unfocused rage. Thus, it was a tough week for my husband. I mean, it wasn’t as tough as it is for Bruce Jenner on any given day, but, you know, it was still comparatively tough.

First up were Kim and Khloe, who very badly wanted Mason to have a pet of some sort, so they surprised him with two goldfish. Kourt and Scott were not pleased of course, because fish are…high maintenance, I guess, and Kourt and Scott aren’t pet people. Which is not at all surprising, because neither of them would know what do with all that unconditional love. (more…)

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