Real Housewives and other awesome TV Reality Show Recaps (Page 4)

SPOILER ALERT: Apollo didn’t take his shirt of at all during last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Not once! That means that our Shirtless Apollo account this season still stands at zero, despite the fact that I think I’ve seen both Nene and Kim basically shirtless. (Did anyone else catch the Boob Sling picture from last night’s baby shower?)

Anyway, as if our Jersey housewives hadn’t perpetrated enough almost-violence at childhood celebrations to last us all a lifetime, we had a near-fight at Kim’s baby shower last night. The only other notable thing about the episode was that Sheree thinks a ballroom is a must-have for a house. Oh, and Peter’s a jerk. But we already knew that.

To say that last night’e episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was dramatic would probably be a bit of an understatement. Even in this always-melodramatic series, knowing that the entire hour was leading up to Taylor being confronted about the violence in her marriage was enough to set my teeth on edge. I’m going to send Bravo my dental bill.

It happened almost exactly as you’d expect it, with Taylor trying to divert all the negative attention to Lisa and another member of the group having to step in and refocus the attention on what was really happening. Taylor, even if she’s a grifter or a liar or a fraudster, is flailing around wildly for a very good reason. But first, before we get to that, we need to talk about the other 55 minutes of the show.

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta was a little dull compared to the premiere, but still better than almost any other episode of Real Housewives that we could have watched instead. Nene’s delusions about her wealth and Kim’s moaning about her pregnancy are enough to keep me entertained for at least an hour on any night of the week.

Which is to say nothing of Phaedra’s insistence that funeral directing is going to be the thing that finally makes her really rich, or that she prefers to work with the dead rather than the living because they’re so quiet. For a few minutes there, I thought I might be watching Dexter instead of Real Housewives, but then Nene’s nipple popped out of her bathing suit and I snapped back to reality.

After this weekend’s awesome debut of Real Housewives of Atlanta, I figured that whatever episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills we got last night would seem a bit sedate by comparison; not only would the juxtaposition of the two different casts be stark, but Bravo tends to tone down other Housewives franchises if one is having a big episode in a particular week.

That was mostly the case last night; the Malouf-Nassifs hosted another spa party, this one at Paul’s office, and Kyle hosted a seance. No big fights happened, no one got called a crack head, Brandi didn’t hit anyone with her crutches. Ho hum.

Finding words is normally not a problem for me, but I’m having a genuinely difficult time figuring out how to express my glee at the return of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Sure, they’re my hometown housewives, so I’m a little biased in my adoration for them. I think last night exhibited ample evidence that this group is also the best group in an objective sense, though.

What did we get in our hour-long premiere? A funeral, a singing hearse, sex toys, Miss Jay, a horse and buggy, gold plates and cutlery and a screaming match that got quite literally taken outside. And that’s to say nothing of the outfits, the giant necklaces and the weaves galore. Sheree’s was the best, though. Obviously.

Dead guy on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I repeat: DEAD GUY ON REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS. I’m still a tad surprised that Bravo didn’t edit Russell out of this season completely, but there he was last night. Walking, talking, coldly undermining his wife. He was the Russell that we all remember.

Thankfully, Lisa and that old rich dude threw a party grand enough to distract from the awkwardness of Russell’s appearance, complete with camels and a flopping poolside mermaid and gifts of jewelry valued in the mid-five-figures. If you ever wanted an hour of television to leave you feeling poor and confused, last night was your night.

Last night, we bid farewell to another season of The Rachel Zoe Project, and unlike with most reality show finales, I left feeling warm and fuzzy. When you compare and contrast that to the taste of bile that was left in my mouth after the Real Housewives of New Jersey finale, I found myself wishing that the season ran a little longer.

We did get a final visit with Little Peanut Skyler, though, who is just as adorable and well-dressed and you would expect. In addition, Rachel seemed to be enjoying motherhood just as much, if not more than, she enjoyed being pregnant. It looks like the thing that Rachel needed all along was something important enough to distract her from her work and balance out her life.