We all know what happens when Housewives go out of town, and depending on your perspective, it’s either great or terrible. From a viewing standpoint, it’s great – moving the entire cast even a couple hours from home seems to throw everyone into emotional flux and somehow sever their ties with the tenuous maturity to which they cling back home, in more familiar environs.

The thing I like best about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is that instead of spending the entire season getting to the real drama that we all want to see, they dive right in and make no bones about it. It seems as though last night’s episode couldn’t possibly have been only the third of the season, but it was.

We’re ba-ack! Well, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are back, anyway, and that means that we’re back to recapping the show after taking a knee for a little bit. We missed last week while we were still getting back up and running after the hurricane, but fret not, my cable is back in (mostly) good working order and I’m back from my extended Housewives hiatus.

Well! We’re still sorting things out after Hurricane Sandy around here (and truthfully, I missed the entire thing and am still sorting myself out from an extremely fortuitously timed vacation), so we unfortunately can’t recap Real Housewives of Beverly Hills this week. But! But. The good news is that we’re going to be recapping it from here on out because there is simply no more fascinating a train wreck in all of the reality TV universe.

Last week I complained that Real Housewives of Miami was all talk and no action, but last night, we got the action. Karent and Adriana, Alexia and Karent, Lea and Marysol, Joanna and Romain, Elaine and Mama Elsa. Everyone had a bone to pick with everyone else, and it was resplendent. That’s what we watch this mess for, after all.

From what I remember, Joanna and Romain’s not-so-romantic dinner might be the first time that cheating allegations were actually sussed out on camera on Real Housewives, taking us one step further into the relationship-destroying k-hole that is Bravolebrity fame.

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami was one of those where Bravo’s editors gave us all the foreplay and none of the action. Everyone was talking about the same ol’ conflicts they’ve been talking about (and not making any progress on) since the beginning of the season, and it looks as though none of them are going to come to a head until next week.

Has ever a cheating confrontation been as flat and unemotional as the one between Joanna and Romain on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami? Not that I can think of, but admittedly, there are probably some cheating confrontations that I’ve missed over the years. The ones that I’m familiar with are usually during late-night reruns of Cheaters, which occasionally involves the host getting stabbed.

The upshot of last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami was this: Joanna and Marta shouldn’t be living together, Ana should sign her divorce papers and get it over with and no one should pick a fight with a drag queen at a night club. If all of these Housewives would just listen to my advice, I could solve all their problems.

Originally, I intended to extend my recapping hiatus to the November premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but I saw last week’s premiere of Real Housewives of Miami and actually…enjoyed it? Even giggled a few times? So now I’m back from my reality TV vacation to make fun of our new Miami cast, which includes both a few holdovers from last season (Mama Elsa!) and a few new arrivals (Joanna Krupa, perfect human).

Even though we’ve all been embroiled in a tumultuous love-hate relationship with the Kardashians since mid-May, the season finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians still managed to sneak up on us. But it’s September and all your favorite shows are returning to the airwaves this week, so it’s time to say goodbye to fluffy summer filler. And that, of course, includes the entire Kardashian clan its shameless shenanigans factory.