I generally have no patience for a three-part reunion, and last night’s first installment of the Real Housewives of Orange County Season 8 Reunion was the perfect example of why. It covered most of the controversial stuff from the season, with the exception of a few loose ends that can be tied up in part two, so what exactly are we going to talk about by the time this whole three-parter winds down? Is the last hour just going to be an informercial for Vicki’s Vodka? Actually, I would watch that, in the same way that I find myself entranced by the Slap-Chop commercial every time it comes on. Anyway, let’s cover the salient points of what happened last night.

1. Vicki and Donn still aren’t divorced. I hadn’t realized that the whole thing had yet to be settled, so this was something of a surprise to me. Vicki did some hemming and hawing about why they had yet to sign, but she admitted the real reason before long – signing the papers means that she’ll probably have to pay Donn spousal support, and she’d rather delay that. Well, that makes sense.

2. Alexis and Gretchen looked like they had shown up to film an episode of Dynasty. Unlike most of the past reunions, the majority of the Housewives managed to dress themselves vaguely like adults, but between Alexis’ boob holsters and the sleeve that had apparently been torn off of Gretchen’s dress in a terrible mishap with a carelessly closed car door, there was plenty to look at. Look at and ponder. Ponder and mourn.

3. SURPRISE: Tamra and Gretchen aren’t besties anymore. I think we all saw this one coming, right? Tamra’s worked on herself quite a bit and is now on good terms with all of the other wives, and Gretchen’s behavior and attitude have only deteriorated. Also, Slade. Who wants to be around Slade in any capacity, other than Gretchen? Tamra doesn’t need her for strategic purposes anymore and Gretchen seems like a tedious person to hang out with, so we’re back to square one.

4. I still don’t care about Gretchen’s improprieties from several years ago. For some reason, I just can’t gin up the outrage over that story. None of it was ever on camera, so it hardly makes compelling television, and now it was so long ago that it seems like all it does is cause everyone to yell at each other, nonsensically and in high-pitched voices, until Andy Cohen gets irritated and shushes the entire group. No more of that, please.

5. Andy Cohen wants to know why Lisa Vanderpump is a bigger celebrity than Heather. Does he really need Lydia to explain that to him? His own network seems to be fully on board with that estimation of the two Housewives; Lisa, after all, has her own show, and Heather doesn’t appear to be getting the same deal any time soon. And then when Lydia stated the obvious to ask the question that was pointedly asked of her, Heather accused her of sneaking in an insult. And the insult was…what, exactly? Admitting that there are people who are more famous than Heather?

6. In general, people seemed to gang up on Lydia. Perhaps some of the other Housewives were irritated because of Lydia’s generally positive portrayal on the show and the relatively friendly fan reaction to her, but they seemed more irritated with her than her actions seemed to merit. Yeah, she giggled a bit over Heather trying to get on the cover of her magazine, but on Real Housewives, that’s the least of the offensive things that happens in a single episode. Compared with Vicki calling Gretchen the c-word, a cackle and an eye-roll seem so tame.

7. The more Lauri talks, the less sympathetic she is. Now Vicki suddenly didn’t ever give her a job? As much as we’re all sick of Vicki’s particular brand of BS, that seems like revisionist history at best. If she’s willing to recast that situation in order to make herself look better, even though everyone agrees on what actually happened and has for years, it only makes all the other ridiculous accusations she’s hurled seem less likely to be true. Since most of them only seemed halfway true to begin with, Lauri’s not doing herself any favors.

8. I’m not sure what could possibly be in the next two installments of this reunion. We’ve already covered Tamra and Gretchen’s feud, Lauri’s accusations about Vicki and all the beefs that everyone has with Lydia, so are we going to dedicate an entire hour to Brooks and an hour to Gretchen’s involvement with Heather’s dearly departed Malibu Country?

9. And now, a little survey question. Will you guys be watching Real Housewives of Miami? Are you interested in us recapping it, or can we take a break until the return of Beverly Hills? Is there anything else you’re just burning for us (either me or Emily) to recap? Give me your thoughts.

Have you noticed there hasn’t been a single repeat of Keeping Up With The Kardashians since the season began? I was almost certain they’d roll one out this past weekend because we all needed a break after that epic Greece three parter, but no. A recapper’s work is never done. Not only was there a new episode, it was stuffed to the gills with things that resembled actual drama!

First up, let’s address the obvious fluff piece portion of the episode before we move on to meatier fare. It was Khloe’s and Lamar’s 4th anniversary, and Khloe was planning something extra special. (SPOILER: it’s gonna involve LATEX.) It seems like only yesterday, Khloe and Lamar’s wedding was splashed all over the front page of every gossip rag in the nation. Four years later, and the only person in this relationship that’s getting any tabloid coverage is Lamar’s secret mistress, who I don’t think actually exists.

Meanwhile, preparations were being made for Kim and Kanye’s new digs at Casa de Jenner. Kris seems to continue to suffer under the delusion that Kim and Kanye will move in with her after the baby comes, but I don’t think that ever actually happened. Kanye is a bazillionaire, he doesn’t need to crash with his faux in-laws. Even so, there was a ridiculous amount of redecorating going on. Kendall and Kylie were not crazy about the idea of three new life forms moving into their cozy Calabasas digs, and they were even less crazy about the constant influx of people traipsing through the house 24/7. Things became even more unappealing when Kris declared she was putting the house on lockdown for the first 40 days of new babydom, in order to create a totally zen environment for the Kimye spawn.

That particular stroke of Kris Jenner genius gave Kendall the idea that she should bounce a little early from the old homestead, now that it was basically becoming an upscale hostel for the insanely rich and famous. Kendall is very nearly 18, and it’s almost time for her to spread her wings and flap away as North West threatens to push her out of the nest.

Kendall and Kylie weren’t the only ones who are unhappy about this situation. Once a baby pink Vespa magically appeared in Bruce Jenner’s garage, Bruce officially started getting pissed. Kris clearly didn’t ask Bruce before inviting Kim, Kanye and baby, which isn’t at all surprising. That’s three quarters of the Jenner family that don’t want to roomshare with Kim and Kanye. Three quarters of the family whose opinions count for almost nought!

But there was a silver lining for Bruce…of sorts. As you probably remember from last week’s episode, the Jenner boys were really gung-ho about giving Bruce a putting green. Everyone knows this is totally gonna be a thing between Kris and Bruce, and yet, the ball keeps rolling. The siblings and step-siblings had a final meeting of the minds to make sure everyone is on board for Bruce’s putting green, because it takes this much pre-planning to circumvent a complete Kris Jenner meltdown. (We still won’t completely avoid one, of course. For obvious reasons.) The green was supposed to be a surprise of sorts, even though Bruce had essentially plotted out the whole thing himself.

Back at the Kardashian-Odom household, Khloe’s latex jumpsuit had just been delivered. Khloe was surprised to find that wearing a latex jumpsuit is akin to being trapped in a giant condom. She squeaked around in it just long enough to lose confidence in her sexy photoshoot idea, and also just long enough for Rob to snap a quick pic on his phone on the sly. (Weird.) Of course he sent it to Kim, who was terribly bemused by Khloe’s anniversary plans. This is why you don’t discuss sexy boudoir stuff with your siblings. (Or maybe you do? Again, I don’t have sisters.)

Khloe’s sexy photo shoot day finally came, and she wasn’t feeling really sexy, but she showed up anyways. To Khloe’s credit, her ass looked amazing in latex. It morphed into this big, shiny black orb that may or may not unveil all the deeply shrouded mysteries of the universe, like a perfect pair of Magic 8 balls. (I want to note that when I say “big”, I mean comparative to the rest of her. Khloe has slimmed down a lot this year, and yet she still has a perfectly sculpted booty. It’s perplexing.) All in all, the day was a great success, and Lamar now has some stimulating new black and white portraits to hang in the bedroom. Unfortunately, the episode went down hill from here quite quickly.

After some intense deliberation, Kris decided Kendall and Kylie would get their beach rental after all. Kris, in an effort to keep her nearly 18-year-old daughter from experiencing true freedom until she can do so legally, rented out a place in Malibu for the whole fam. So yes, now Kim, Kanye, and baby are (theoretically) moving in, and Bruce, Kris, Kendall, and Kylie are moving out. This all makes tons of sense! Also, I’m still confused about what happened with Bruce’s Malibu rental from the beginning of the season. Is it really that easy to get out of a rental contract in Malibu?

Still unbeknownst to Kris, Operation: Bruce’s Tiny White Balls was well underway, and Kim was taking her mom to Paris for the explicit purpose of getting her mom out of the house while the green was being installed. (Cue 5 minutes of grainy, yet still aesthetically pleasing, footage of Paris.) Bruce was competing in some charity golf tournament, so he was also MIA in order to create the illusion that he had nothing to do with all of this. (I suppose?)

Of course, once the fam had signed on for the beach rental, everyone was creating a “The Gift of the Magi”-type situation. Kris had already moved the fam to the beach for the summer, and now the kids were putting Bruce’s putting green in at what will essentially be Kim and Kanye’s temp digs. It was just like the classic O. Henry story, except no one had to sell their hair to a wig shop and about a dozen more people were involved.

When Bruce returned from his weekend golf getaway, he was not at all stoked about the beach house, understandably, because he had absolutely nothing to do with it, and his new putting green was going to be all the way back in Calabasas. He tried to 86 the putting green plan, but the ball was already rolling. Even so, Bruce and the kids scrambled to cover up any evidence that there might have ever been a putting green in the backyard before Kris got home, but to no avail.

Kris was upset that nobody told her about the putting green, even though that was kind of everyone’s plan from the get-go. She insisted that she’d given Bruce everything he’d ever wanted in life. (I assume she’s talking about Kylie and Kendall, because we’ve seen the Jenner home. The only part of it that’s distinctly “Bruce” is the shelf with all the tiny model helicopters in the garage.) She was certain Bruce was portraying her as some sort of Disney villain to his kids, which is a constant font of embarrassment for her. Bruce lamented that he was losing any modicum of control he ever had in his marriage. It was an incredibly uncomfortable convo to have in front of half your kids and a bunch of hired help. What was truly, abysmally stupid, however, is that there was no new putting green to speak of any more, so it was all a big to-do over some new grass, and the idea of a putting green, really. END SCENE.

The will-they/won’t-they divorce factor on this show is really wearing on me. Bruce and Kris can eat each other alive at this point, I don’t care. I mean, it would be conceptually horrifying and promoted on E! for a full three months, but guys, you have my blessing. Chow down!

Other episode house-keeping notes and fun conversational tidbits from this episode:

Bag-spotting: Of course Kylie has her own Celine Phantom Luggage Tote. Of course she does.

Kris on the Kimye baby invasion: “Everyone’s gonna wear white. Just like a spa. Or an insane asylum.”

Khloe on pin-up fetishization: “I’m more the Marilyn Monroe…type of whore.”

Kim threatening Khloe: “You have to tell me or I’m gonna Instagram this.”

Khloe to a puppy: “Bernard, do not eat my pillow secretly!”

The Kardashians tend to spend a lot of time in novelty stores. Has anyone else noticed this?

Brandon Jenner: You are one of the most reasonable people on this show, by a lot. But please don’t ever wear your hair in a tight little bun again. It makes you look like a handsy yogi.

You know who we don’t see enough on this show? Khloe and Lamar’s dog Bernard. He’s totally charming. Give this dog a spin-off, stat! “Bernard Humps Miami.” “Bernard and Rob Hump New York.”

And just like that, we had a season finale. Real Housewives of Orange County simply up and quit on us, like a supermarket checkout girl who had argued with a customer over her last coupon. The show stormed off its season in a similarly spectacular fashion, but not “spectacular” in a good way. “Spectacular” in a “full of spectacle” way, meaning that there was lots of yelling and screaming and some evil person made Lydia’s adorable stoner mother cry. It was not a high point for pop culture, but it was decent television at times.

1. I have blocked out last week’s episode in its entirety. Don’t remind me of any of that helicopter-enabled unpleasantness, please.

2. Except for Kent Smiley. SWAMP SLADE!

3. I really want to like Heather, but I just don’t. I want to believe that she’s in the right with her Malibu Country fight with Gretchen, but when they sat down to talk about it last night, Gretchen actually sounded far more calm, rational and fair than Heather when they were discussing who was pursuing what. Sure, I believe that Gretchen would be an actress in a second given the opportunity, but if Heather was really secure in her status as a competent actress who occasionally gets a role, she wouldn’t have to rub anything about it in Gretchen’s face. Mostly, though, I wish they’d both just shut up about it because it’s not a compelling story line in any way. Who cares if Gretchen’s “owning” the fact that she was fiddling with her phone during Heather’s taping? Raise your hands. I’m waiting.

4. Earth Jesus has to “allow” Alexis to learn things. He’s got a lot of years and knowledge on her, you know, and sometimes she’s just not as smart as Earth Jesus, but Earth Jesus knows that and he is benevolent, so he lets her stick her finger in a light socket every now and then so that she remembers that it’s bad.

5. Tamra might have become too nice. She even apologized to Jim for saying mean things about him, and if ever any Real Househusband has earned it, it’s Jim, he of the chin implants and trampoline parks and gross paternalism toward his sweet, dim wife.

6. Ryan’s freak-out over Lydia’s mom was…uh… Frankly, it was kind of frightening. There is perhaps no gentler, less threatening person who has ever entered the Real Housewives universe than Lydia’s adorable, fairy dust-spreading mother. We know Ryan’s a little intense, and being an active duty Marine will certainly make someone a stickler for the rules, but even considering that, his reaction was totally over-the-top and inappropriate. If you get dozens of people drunk at your house, someone might lay down on the couch without taking their shoes off. Them’s the breaks of party-hosting.

From the audio that we heard, Lydia’s mom cracked a joke about fairy dust, asked who he was and then apologized for upsetting him. She didn’t raise her voice first and she wasn’t rude, plus she asked him to stop cursing at her and he wouldn’t. What kind of man treats a woman that way, particularly a woman who’s a guest in the house and also obviously a generation older than he is? He also doesn’t own the place, although he slipped and almost said he did, and even if he did…she put her shoes on the couch. There’s a way to handle that which doesn’t even involve yelling or kicking people out. Multiple ways, even.

While Lydia and her mom were outside and upset, Ryan was out back, acting erratic and yelling profanity. Thankfully, Vicky stepped up and was a good hostess and calmed down Lydia and her mom, but that left the issue of Ryan himself. He had only become more resolute in his opinion of Lydia’s mom and her actions, which didn’t exactly line up with what the audio tape told us about the situation. Part of the moral superiority that this young man obviously feels should include being too much of a man to call a woman a bitch.

7. I’m kind of concerned for Brianna. What happens if she, like, leaves a wet towel on the floor?

8. Gretchen mocking Vicki’s willingness to shill her products on the show was rich irony. I wish Gretchen knew what irony is.

9. Lydia for Mayor of Orange County! Although she and her mother were wronged by Ryan, they both got over it in a timely manner and didn’t try to suck the whole party into their attention vortex. Then, when Slade complained that he has been wronged by all of the women whose looks he has ever insulted, she stepped in to remind him that he said nasty things about her without any prompting at all. Which is true – all Lydia did was have the temerity to show up and not immediately give Slade a boner, which is an offense that can’t go by without him commenting on it, always.

10. The updates! Vicki and Brooks are off again, for now. Ryan’s in Afghanistan and Brianna is going to move out of Vicki’s house with the bambino. Malibu Country got cancelled. Tamra’s fitness studio is open and she and Eddie are getting a mini-spinoff for the wedding. And that’s it, because my DVR cut off. I’m guessing that Slade and Gretchen’s end-of-season update was deliciously snarky – someone fill me in, please.

Did you feel that? It’s all the remaining hot air draining out of this season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. For two episodes, E! has been playing up some intense Kris-Brody showdown, but that was almost completely hype. We saw a very short, tense exchange last week when Brody called Kris out for having all the wrong priorities (money, fame, other Kris things), but this week, before anyone could really throw down the verbal gauntlet, wet blanket Kourtney stepped in to diffuse the situation. She insisted that, contrary to Brody’s suggestion, her mother’s soul was not as black as coal just because she enjoyed the finer, insanely expensive things in life. I really wanted to see how a dude whose claim to fame is a series of overly cinematic reality shows was gonna lecture a grown woman whose claim to fame was basically the same (plus her daughter’s very lucrative sex tape), but now I’ll never know how that conversation would go.

Kris got a little teary as she explained that, while she had high hopes for blended family relations at the beginning of her marriage to Bruce, having an extended step-family didn’t end up being the weird fairy tale she originally envisioned. Nobody can really account for the tension between the Jenners and the Jenner-Kardashians. I just assume like most family drama, it’s all too stupid or horrible to bear mentioning. Kris also randomly mentions that Kourtney didn’t speak to Bruce for 5 years (?!?), but provides no explanation as to why. The three agree that nobody really knows anyone as well as they should, and that’s maybe everyone’s fault, which wasn’t the coed catfight I wanted at all! Later, Brody even extended the olive branch by ordering Kris a bottle of rosé at dinner. Oh, everybody’s chummy now?! Do we now have to pretend our retinas weren’t permanently scarred by watching Kris Jenner applying tanning oil to Brody’s taut, supple backside last week?

Extended Jenner family trivia – here’s something even crazier to throw in the mix. Bruce had another wife plus two kids before he married Brody and Brandon’s mom. Where are they? Why don’t they get a free trip to Greece? What are their feelings? The world may never know.

Once the whole Kris-Brody situation had been “resolved”, Kris’ attention returned, albeit briefly, to ye old “Kim isn’t happy being pregnant” trope. Kim has been rolling around all week, trying her darndest to enjoy this family trip whilst heavily pregnant. Kris Jenner still isn’t convinced that Kim is ecstatic about pregnancy enough, but Khloe somehow finally manages, 10 episodes in, to convince her that everyone’s pregnancy experiences are different, and Kim is probably gonna love the crap out of that baby. The end.

The next 20 minutes of the ep are pure travel porn: beaches, sunsets, ATV rides, and fish pedicures. Yes, FISH pedicures. How does a fish pedicure work, you say? Glad you asked! You submerge your feet in spa full of little guppies, which eat all of the dead skin off of your feet. (Would it be weird/disgusting/unethical to set this up at home? A little of each, maybe?) Everyone was generally freaked out by fish pedicures, except for Kim, who was freaked out to the point of tears. Every dozen episodes or so, Kim has a moment that reminds me that she’s a real human being, and not a gorgeous robot. In this episode, Kim yelping over having her feet attacked by tiny fish was that moment.

Somehow, the fam completely neglected to invite Kendall out for any of these travel excursions (I mean, c’mon, even Brody got a fish pedicure.) Kendall, understandably, felt a tad left out. She watched helplessly (and wordlessly) as everyone headed off to ATV it up, Greek-style, without extending her an invite. Poor little Kendall was literally in the exact same spot on the couch when the crew returned. She didn’t get invited to fish pedicures either. Sad trombone.

Mid-episode, the group packed up and left Mykonos for Santorini. Two out of three Kardashian sisters agreed that it was one of the most beautiful places they’d ever been. I thought Mykonos was pretty cool (and it was just starting to feel so homey!), but the gang seemed blown away by Santorini. Their Santorini suites were pretty pimp, and even included some kind of in-ground spa or hot spring-type thing, which seemed amazing but was used zero times during this episode.

Everyone dressed up for dinner on their first night in Santorini, and for good reason – Lord Disick had finally deigned to grace everyone with his presence! After some premium man-time in London, Scott caught up with the fam on the second leg of their trip. After Lord Disick was paid proper heed, someone finally thought to acknowledge Kendall, who confessed she barely felt like she was actually on this trip, because she’d been left out of all the day’s events. Kris made a half-ass attempt at an apology, but Kendall, suddenly overwhelmed by feelings, dashed off to her room. Kris explained to everyone that Kendall just needed a minute to herself, and then, it was as if Kendall had never existed at all. The fam moved on as if nothing had happened. Does everyone secretly hate Kendall? Or do people just forget about her because she’s not flashy? If this was Kim, it’d be a 20 minute segment.

After dinner, Everyone moved to Kris and Bruce’s private pool and performed their annual “Kardashians jump in the pool with their clothes on” to-do, because that always makes for a good clip. It was Kim’s last night in Santorini – she was splitting early to go hang out with Kanye in Paris, and seemed pretty pleased about it.

Meanwhile, Brandon and Brody were conspiring to restore a tiny fraction of Papa Bruce’s manhood by getting him his own putting green back in Calabasas – in Kris Jenner’s backyard, no less. One by one, they solicited the blessing of each Kardashian sister before they decided to go whole hog with the idea. Nonetheless, this will become a huge point of contention on the next episode. We can all see that coming.

Here’s something I’m a bit miffed about: the same night of the Kendall cry-in and Kardashian clothes-on pool dip, Kylie, Kendall, and Brody decided to go clubbing in Santorini (again, Kendall is not invited) and the cameras didn’t not follow them. I assume that was because their sole intention was to get baby Kylie schwasted, because no one bats an eye at a 16 year old having a drink at a bar abroad. Except the paparazzi. So we’ll never know what kind of shenanigans those three got into that night, a fact which will haunt me for the rest of the season.

The next morning, Scott and Brody dished about the high price of fame before breakfast. (You can’t play wingman to your single friends without ending up in the tabloids for being in a limo with a bunch of bimbos, for starters.) You may remember that there was a small Scott news item in last week’s episode about him leaving a club with some hot ladies; there were also several other dudes present, but the tabloids tend to gloss over facts like that.

Kendall was still upset the next morning – so legitimately upset, in fact, that she didn’t want to talk about it on camera. Khloe did a little consoling off-screen, and apparently Kendall was very upset that she had only gotten a fraction of the hang-time with her half-bros that everyone else had grabbed. It’s hard for Kendall to compete with everyone else for Brody’s attention, because she’s “shy and introverted” and her camera-whoring talents are scant. It must be hard to be the introvert in a family that has been fluffed for the cameras almost since birth.

As soon as Khloe had cracked the case of the crying Kendall, she was whisked away in a swanky helicopter to the Athens airport so she could jet home to see her man. (Seems excessive – is this standard protocol in Santorini?) After Khloe split, Brody took little loner Kendall on a private ATV ride because he’s a sweetheart, but we didn’t get to see much of that either. Suddenly, the producers are no longer interested in exploiting the private goings-on of this family! What show is this?

Meanwhile, Scott was hiding in an alcove because he gets overwhelmed by large groups. (Just not at paid club appearances, I guess?) Leah sought him out for a little heart-to-heart about the perils of being an only child that marries into a giant family. Leah also emphasized how much Kourtney loves him and definitely missed him on the first part of the trip, even if she really never said as much. (This has been a barely-there plotline for the last three episodes, but without any tears, heated arguments or really any reaction from Kourtney whatsoever, it never found any legs.) She reminded him that he should totes find the time to romance his wife before heading back to LA, and then dragged Scott out of his literal hole to rejoin the group. In another life, Leah would make the world’s best middle school English teacher.

Heeding Leah’s advice, Scott really piled on the charm at a private dinner with Kourt. They imagined an alternate universe where they were not reality stars, but simply rich people with the inkling to run a little seaside mom n’ pop restaurant in Santorini. Kourt could host, and Scott could bartend. There was no talk of London bimbos. It all seemed so…mature. While Kourt and Scott relished in a little alone time at the hotel restaurant, the remaining Kardashians and Jenners enjoyed their final dinner in Greece, complete with dancing and plate-breaking.

I apologize for the lack of zingers in this week’s recap – I was expecting another episode stuffed to the gills with premium manufactured drama, and instead all I got was all this touchy-feely nonsense. How can I make gags when no one’s being patently ridiculous? Next week, however, I suspect everyone will be back to their normal, terrible selves. My final take-away from this bloated three-parter is that I really want to go to Greece, like tomorrow, if possible. Greece was the real star of KUWTK this week.

How bizarre was last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County? Deeply bizarre, I think. Gretchen flew Slade around Orange County in a helicopter, and instead of having someone spontaneously push him out over the ocean like we all silently hoped she would, he landed and she was in what looked suspiciously like a cheap Vegas wedding dress, waiting to ask him to marry her. And that’s to say nothing of Vicki’s AgroCrag-covered Winter Wonderland Pool Party. I understand all those words, but I’m still not sure if they make sense in that order.

1. The previews for this episode consisted almost entirely of a montage of Slade being awful. I’ve said this before, but sometimes, if you pay attention and watch this show often enough, you can tell when the producers are letting you know what they think of someone. Slade seems not to be a favorite of theirs. This is my surprised face.

2. “I feel like sometimes I do like him, and then he talks.” Lydia said this about Slade, but really, it applies to so many people. So many people are great until they say words.

3. “Shut the hole that makes the words.” Heather’s kid knows what we’re sayin’ here.

4. All the talk of people shutting up and not making any more noises was a fitting preamble to Gretchen’s song. At least it was short! If there’s anything I’d ever want to thank Gretchen for, it’s recording a short song. I’d also like to thank Slade’s radio co-host for having hair interesting enough that I could use it as a distraction while waiting for the autotune to stop.

5. The whole engagement event made me vicariously embarrassed for Gretchen. Is vicarious embarrassment a positive emotion, in a way? I suppose it means that, at the very least, I can instinctually recognize some sort of humanity in Gretchen, who otherwise comes across as mostly craven and vapid. So yeah, let’s go with positive.

6. Alexis came to visit Tamra’s fitness studio and even brought a gift. Alexis, despite not being a particularly interesting element of the show for most of the season, has really come a long way toward not being terrible or even objectionable. That’s an admirable transformation, but also sort of risky – Alexis’ ability to enrage both her cast mates and the audience is what has kept her around thus far, and Bravo tends to get rid of people who suddenly stop provoking that kind of reaction in favor of being bland but well-liked. Exhibit A: Camille Grammer.

7. Slade has a grown kid? Slade has a grown kid. The more you know.

8. SLADE’S BROTHER KENT. Ok, so he has a mullet and his grill is kinda busted, but I bet he’s not nearly such a smarmy bastard as his brother. That may not count for anything on reality TV, but it counts in my heart, ok?

9. I am not OK with Vicki’s white dress. You guys know I rarely, if ever, comment negatively on how anyone’s body looks in any particular thing. That’s just not my style, and I tend not to believe that certain looks just have to be reserved for certain body types or ages. That being said, on top of all of Vicki’s ill-advised plastic surgery, a dress that’s short, tight, shiny, low-backed and low-cut only makes her look even more desperate to convince others that she feels young and sexy. Girl, you doin’ too much.

10. What kind of woman is ok with marrying a guy who can’t stop talking about how ugly other women are? This is really more a reaction to next week’s preview than this week’s episode, but really, what kind of woman do you have to be to think that a man who has based most of his public persona on bashing other womens’ appearances – and not just Vicki’s – is a halfway decent dude, let alone a good man to hitch your wagon to for life? Does Gretchen have low self-esteem or is she just as toxic? I guess that’s the primary question of their entire relationship, though, and so far, the probable answer’s not looking too good.

YOLO was absolutely the theme of this week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Kite surfing, snorkeling, cannon balls off of yachts, copious alcoholic beverage – there was a little something for everyone. “Yolo” was said at least 50 times, despite the fact that this phrase peaked from a cultural standpoint in 2012 and should really never be spoken aloud by people over the age of 18. But you know, you only live once…

I always look forward the Kardashian vacay episodes; at least while Kris Jenner is wearing a wig and doing something stupid, I can look past her and feast my eyes on the delectable travel porn. This episode certainly didn’t fail to deliver in that respect, because Mykonos is too beautiful to be spoiled by a few Kardashian shenanigans. We witnessed a lot of blended-family bonding during this vacay – the Jenners dived off rocks, swam in the ocean and really soaked in their surroundings, while the Kardashians mainly soaked in a few rays and squeezed into a few dive suits just long enough to doggy paddle around a boat. (Well done, ladies! Way to YOLO!)

Meanwhile, back in L.A., Kendall was having her moment in the sun at photographer Russell James’ exhibit before she, Kylie, and Bruce joined her extended family in Greece. Kendall and Kylie have never been on a family trip with their half brothers, which really puts a very fine point on how strained family relations have been in years past. Kris Jenner simply can’t allow the people she loves and the people she kind of likes for this one season of KUWTK to enjoy each other’s company and grow closer without somehow making everything about her, though, so Kris and Brody’s strained relationship quickly became an issue that threatened to spoil everyone’s vacation.

For whatever reason, Kris decided that rocking a wig on vacation was a spectacular idea, except that everyone hated it, or everyone hated her desperate cry for attention. Or both, most likely. In reality, it just made her look like a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.

I made a crack last week about how all of this bad blood was just a result of suppressed sexual tension, but I didn’t actually have any evidence to back that up…until this episode. After Kourt encouraged Kris to make nice with the Brodster, Kris made a special point of giving him an extended tanning oil rub-down. Because that’s exactly what you want people who you hate to do to you! You want them to touch you a lot. Everyone was visibly wincing as it happened, and still, it went on. Kris even made a crack about how Brody’s back was identical to a young Bruce Jenner’s, at which point we all threw up in our mouths a little, yes?

In addition to bogarting everyone’s life and making bizarre sexual innuendos toward her step-son, Kris also has this awful habit of making sex jokes 24/7 that specifically reference her own sex life, or lack thereof. The Kardashian girls always think it’s hilarious, probably because they have no taste or boundaries, but Brody is constantly made uncomfortable by such gags. Kris contends that it’s just her personality that he doesn’t get, and to an extent, that’s true – it’s her awful personality that people who aren’t blood-related to her feel no inclination to tolerate. But it’s also her inability to tone it down in polite society. (Did you ever think there’d come a day when Brody Jenner would be referred to as “polite society?” I certainly didn’t, and I barely even watched The Hills!) There was a lot of build-up to the emotional smackdown that was supposedly going to take place between Kris and Brody, but as you might suspect, nothing went down until the last 5 minutes of the show, and we’ll have to tune in for the epic conclusion next week.

Instead, we were treated to a full half hour of The Kardashian-Jenners Rent A Ginormous Yacht! The champagne and tanning oil flowed, the baby Jenners danced and Kris finally lost that awful wig to the ocean while she was jet-skiing with Bruce. (One thing the Kardashians love to do on vacay is jet ski, just like all rich people who like to make spectacles of themselves.) Kim was super pregnant, so she just got in a little sleep while the fam partied topside. (You’ll be interested to know that this yacht reportedly comes with a $30,000-plus-a-day price tag.)

Brandon and Leah opted to skip the yacht expedition and do a little solo exploring on the island. They did romantic, adorable, couple-y things and danced around and got whimsical, typical Brandon and Leah-style. I’d say they should have their own show, but it would just be way, way too positive – like watching golden retriever puppies frolic in a landscape of puffy white clouds.

Back on the yacht, Brody had jumped off the top deck into the ocean, which encouraged Kourt and Khloe to psych themselves up for a full five minutes with more cries of “YOLO” before they decided to do the same. (The top deck wasn’t really that high, you guys.) The fam then enjoyed a lavish family dinner on the yacht before returning to their fabulous oceanfront rental.

Later, when the Jenners had reunited, Brody related the completely awkward Kris/tanning lotion encounter to his bro and sis-in-law. They were appropriately disgusted. The Jenners were pretty much all in agreement that, if nothing else, Kris Jenner has definitely clipped the wings of Papa Jenner, the once-unstoppable Olympic champ who now essentially lives in his designated corner of the garage.

The next day, on yet another boat, it was finally time for Brody and Kris to have their much anticipated heart-to-heart. Things got real surprisingly quickly when Brody called out Kris for prizing all things lavish over the experiences in life that truly matter…(like FREE TRIPS TO GREECE, BRODY?! GAH!). Kris made a lame attempt to defend herself, simultaneously defending the show and several major life decisions. It seems bizarre that Brody Jenner, whose first love may or may not have been Lauren Conrad, would lecture anyone on their penchant for luxury, but I’m sure he had several years off-camera to learn and grow as a person, etc. etc. And he does have a point – the Kardashians are nothing if not sublimely superficial. But being superficial is their bread and butter! And calling out their superficiality whilst also reaping its rewards seems like a odd choice, Brody-man.

So next week, we have these things to look forward to: Brody makes Kris Jenner cry. Kendall has a minor melt-down after getting left out, and Scott gets his comeuppance after having too much fun in London-towne.

Last night was sort of an in-between episode of Real Housewives of Orange County – all of the wives had returned from Canada, no less rude for it, and most of the drama that happened there didn’t get much of a push forward during the most recently episode. The cast chatted, both amongst themselves and with their respective spouses, and it served as a bit of a helpful primer on where all the various feuds and alliances currently stand. It wasn’t an exciting episode, but perhaps one that was…entertaining enough. Yes, that’s what we’ll call it.

1. One of the furs in Gretchen’s suitcase looked suspiciously like her dogs. Her dogs also seemed confused and intrigued by it.

2. They blurred out Heather’s last name when they showed Gretchen’s phone. Are we not supposed to know Heather’s last name? Has anyone told the Internet that? Or the producers, for that matter? Wasn’t there a whole storyline about Heather’s last name last season?

3. Heather and her husband still might build a new house to accommodate their accidental fourth child. This prospective new house, if you’ll remember, was the fake-y intro that Heather had way back in her first episode of the show, way back when Tamra was pretending to be a real estate agent and we were all supposed to believe that might be her new career. Well, apparently someone off the street offered the couple over $16 million for the house, even though they hadn’t listed it, but they might go ahead and sell it because then they can buy the highest point in the world and/or county!

4. Tamra set her own wedding date, thankyouverymuch. Eddie still doesn’t seem all that jazzed about getting married, but he said he’d show up if Tamra took care of making it happen, so she set her own date and Eddie said it was fine. That moment when your fiance declares that he doesn’t care and you unilaterally set your own wedding date so that people will stop speculating about whether or not you’re really ever going to get married is what all little girls grow up dreaming about, I’m pretty sure.

5. Vicki still thinks her vodka line is a thing. Not only that, but Brooks seems to be pulling a paycheck from it, despite his alleged recreational porn star activities and the fact that he and Vicki are no longer an item. Brooks, being a grifter of some apparent experience, is in it for the long con.

6. I watched this episode with someone who hadn’t seen the show in years. “Wait, who is that? Was that the same person who they just showed in the interview?” “No, that’s the person she’s arguing with.” “Wait, what?” “Red shirt. The person in the interview is the person currently wearing the red shirt.” “Why do they all have the same hair?” “Because it’s legally required in Orange County, as best as I can tell.” “Then why does that one woman have brown hair?” “Uh…well, she’s married to a plastic surgeon, and plastic surgeons are revered as gods in this culture, so she gets special privileges.”

7. The members of Lydia’s life group actually looked like normal, non-reality TV people. Well, except for the girl with the blonde Housewives curls and the bedazzled forehead strap. She was super excited to be on TV.

8. Alexis had an audition. I could hear Heather faintly wail off camera as soon as she said it. If only she could have seen Alexis drawing stick-figures on the back of her script to enhance her performance, she might not have been so upset in my imagination.

9. Gretchen’s song came at the very end and I got all hopeful that it might not actually happen. I should know better than to get hopeful about this show, because it always finds a way to be worse than you ever thought it could be. Not only was Gretchen recording a song, but it was a song for Slade. Not only was it a song for Slade, but it was a proposal. Everything is actually much worse than it seems like it is on the surface, which is maybe the greatest lesson that Real Housewives has to teach us on the whole.

10. Listening to Gretchen sing reminded me of being a child. I can’t sing, at all, and I used to make my parents and brother (and grandparents, if they hadn’t managed to escape the room already) sit in a row on the couch and listen to me perform concerts. It was annoying then, I’m sure, but they indulged me because I was six. Gretchen, I’m pretty sure, is not six.

11. So is Lauri lying, or is Brooks? If there’s a way that they can both be lying, then that seems like it would be the most likely scenario. Lauri said that Brooks was sleeping with a porn star, Brooks said he hadn’t done anything with anyone since he and Vicki broke up. So maybe he didn’t bang that friend of Lauri’s daughter, but he did bang someone. That’s a way that they could both be lying! I feel like that must be what happened.

So the good news: the Keeping Up With The Kardashians Greece trip isn’t a two-parter, it’s a three-parter! The bad news: it’s really a 2.5 parter, because half of this ep was consumed by more “Fat Rob” drama, Kim’s divorce drama and Kourtney’s surprise b-day party non-drama. We’ll deal with domestic issues first.

Kim was headed back to court on this ep, and she still seemed strangely obsessed with the idea of having a final one-on-one convo with ex Kris Humphries before her divorce was finalized – she still had unresolved issues about how things went down. (If it makes you feel better, Kim, we’re all still slightly traumatized by the whole affair.) I seriously doubt Kris Humphries will ever oblige her because he probably feels like he spent enough screen time on KUWTK as it is. Sadly, we’ll never get to be a fly on the wall for that convo. However, Kris Humphries, probably sensing KUWTK producers circling above his head, finally conceded to a divorce rather than an annulment. Huzzah! Now Kim gets to pop out Kanye’s baby as a legally single lady, which is slightly less embarrassing in her mind, I suppose. This is all very recent news, of course, so no surprises here.

Kourtney’s birthday just happened to fall on the same day this all went down, and the family was scrambling to throw together a surprise party for her. It was hard to dupe Kourt into attending a surprise party, though, because she couldn’t be sold on the fake idea of a cozy b-day dinner with her fake husband. Scott’s dupery skills were surprisingly poor, as he failed to wheel Kourtney into her crappy family surprise party at the appropriate time, which Khloe thought was extremely tacky. Meanwhile, the dudes had been pre-gaming with shots for over an hour! This could only end well…

I just want to take a minute to point out that Kourt’s surprise party mostly seemed to consist of all the people we see on this show anyway! Either her non-reality celeb friends all remained off-screen, or Kourt just doesn’t have a lot of friends she’s not related to by blood or marriage. Or her fam just didn’t invite them, because anyone who won’t sign a waiver to be on their show is basically dead to them. In any case. Kourt, I am available for some lady hang time. We have a lot in common – we both like a lot of the same designers, and we both think your fam is ridiculous. Also, I promise not to creep on Scott Disick, though I must admit he amuses me greatly.

Meanwhile, Rob was still experiencing some major hang-ups about his body. He was supposedly on the path to working out and eating better, but we really can’t tell how far along the path he really is because all that action remains off-camera. (Though to his credit, he did beat up that paparazzi chick outside of a gym, so we know he’s been at least once.) Early on in the episode, Brody and Rob had some serious step-bro time, and Brody encouraged Rob to own his body and “go for it”, which either meant…work out, or embrace your newfound voluptuousness…or something.

It doesn’t seem like Rob can really be around his family this season without being reminded of his current schlubby status. Unsurprisingly, he flaked on the Greece trip because he didn’t want to be videotaped in a swimsuit. I can sympathize. His family knew he was flaking, though, and so did Rob, who told Lamar verbatim, “I flaked on Greece.” Then they had a dudely heart-to-heart. Once again, the issue of whether Rob’s weight gain was tied to deeper feelings of inadequacy and depression was broached; there are so many man feelings on KUWTK this season, I can hardly stand it. I feel like we’ve reached a point in the series where the menfolk are sharing their emotional BS on the regular, and all the Kardashian ladies just sort of walk around pretending their Chanel don’t stink. But I digress…

As I’ve mentioned at least a dozen times already this season, the Kardashians are going to Greece, and this time, they’re including Brody, Brandon and Leah in the family vacay fun! (The jokes on them of course, because these vacations are always loaded with unnecessary drama.) Brody was only invited at Rob and Bruce’s behest, however, as Kris Jenner intentionally didn’t invite Brody to Greece because she’s an “evil step-monster” (her words), but she appeared to be under the impression that Brody was a huge flake who never responded to her texts and phone calls, essentially. Brody was finally invited to come along nonetheless, with the (horrible) idea that everyone would talk their issues out in Mykonos, which seems like a great way to spend your vacay! I frequently spend my entire family vacation pretending I don’t have ANY issues with my family, and it usually works out just fine.

Leah, Brandon, and Brody were the first to make it to Mykonos. Their rental was, of course, a palatial, oceanfront Adriatic estate with a stone stairway down to the ocean. Leah instantly took to the water like a whimsical little mer-person, and the Jenner-Felders used their alone time to gossip about the sad, sad state of Bruce and Kris’ relationship. (Stars, they’re just like us! Apparently Bruce still had the Malibu rental at this point, which I’ve been curious about since the beginning of the season.) Brody also lamented the fact that Rob, his fellow single dude compatriot, had flaked on the trip, even though he was the one who had convinced Brody to come in the first place. Flaky flakers flaking on other flaky flakers.

The rest of the fam was very slowly making their way across the Atlantic – Kourt, Scott, Kris, and the kiddos all took a quick pit-stop in London on their way to Greece to get a little shopping in. We actually wrote up a celeb post several months ago ripping on the Kardashians and their rather epic pile of Louis Vuitton luggage, and a certain someone commented that they were on their way to a two-week Greece trip. (ID yourself, krazy Kardashian insider!)

Kris and Kourt then darted off to Greece, leaving Scott behind to enjoy an extra long layover in London, which can only mean one thing…LORD DISICK IS BACK! Lord Disick needed to tend to his subjects…or that random three-square-foot patch of land he reigns supreme over! If “Scott in London” doesn’t get a full hour of screen time over the course of the next 2 episodes, I’m just DONE.

Finally Kim, Kris, Kourt, and Khloe all arrived in Mykonos, and things between Brody and Kris were instantly a little awkward. Not so awkward that it would ruin a vacation or anything, unless you kept poking at that awkwardness with a stick to pump up your ratings, of course. When Brody brought up the fact that Rob frequently flaked on gym dates, surf dates, family vacays, etc., Kris made a mild attempt to call Brody out for never responding to her texts or calls…or at least, for not responding that one time. (Really? Is that what this is all about? Oy vey.) Brody just insisted that she didn’t have his correct info. Seems legit. Wise move, bro! I’m just going to assume this Kris-Brody awkwardfest is really the result of some truly illicit sexual tension. Because we’ve all seen the man. This, strangely, was where they chose to conclude Part I.

More Kardashian trivia we gleaned from this ep:

Khloe Kardashian is afraid of whales. I wonder if she’s confusing whales with…sharks?

Kourt’s birthday clutch looked pretty fab – could anyone ID? It was black satin with a multitone lining and what looked like a large plexiglass or possibly crystal-type clasp. Ring any bells?

Also, does Brody Jenner have a vested interest in Rockstar energy drinks? He wears a lot of their swag.

Ping pong is still the sport du jour at Casa de Kardashian-Jenner!

Next week: the rest of the fam arrives in Mykonos, Kendall gets left out of practically everything, and Brody tells Kris Jenner he “doesn’t think she ever gave two ‘Chanels’ about how they were raised.” He doesn’t say “Chanels” of course, because that would make him too, too clever.

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was one of those where I’m not sure if it was a boring episode or if I was simply in a curmudgeonly mood. There was certainly enough bickering and drama for it to have the patina of entertainment, but for some reason, I was just not about that life last night. All of the Real Housewives casts have problems with bringing up conflicts that the viewers are sick of hearing about, but perhaps because Orange County has been around for the longest, its conflicts feel particularly old. Still, we once again adjourned to Canada for an hour, where the ladies were not being polite, despite their environs.

1. Where exactly did Lauri come from? One of you guys brought this up last week, and it’s a good question – she’s back to stir the pot, but how did she get here? She hasn’t been around in seasons, and when she left, she did so voluntarily to create the Orange County Brady Bunch with her rich new husband. Did Bravo ask her back because they didn’t foresee enough drama among the existing cast members? Did she ask to come back because she missed the attention? Is she bored of her husband and her spoiled kids? All of the above? She’s certainly committed to causing problems, whatever the reason.

2. The Housewives are all about buzzwords. Alexis got “bullied.” The email from Lauri’s husband’s ex-mother-in-law (got that?) went “viral.” Someone get them off of Twitter.

3. Irony. That Gretchen might try to explain the finer points of irony and how it differs from hypocrisy sent a cold chill down my spine. I started to see stars. I became short of breath. Was that a panic attack, or is that what it feels like right before you die?

4. I no longer care about Gretchen’s dead fiancé and whether or not she cheated on him. The man is dead, can we not just let him be dead? Whatever Gretchen did, if anything (and probably something), she’s never going to admit to it, and the person she did it to isn’t here to be mad about it in any case. It’s not like Vicki’s trying to avenge him, after all. She just wants to divert attention from herself.

5. Gretchen’s biggest problem with Vicki is Tamra. I don’t think that Gretchen really has as much self-righteous interest in Vicki’s infidelity, beyond the fact that she’s irritated that her own keeps getting brought up, but she’s correctly identified Vicki as a potential weak link in her alliance with Tamra. If she loses that relationship, she’s essentially shut out of the cast and set to be pushed out on an ice floe with other past Housewives who no one wanted to film with. Which, to be fair, is probably something that Vicki also understands, so it makes sense that she’s trying to insert herself between Gretchen and Tamra. In that regard, I can support Vicki, if only because being rid of Gretchen means we’d be rid of Slade until he dumped her to form a meaningful relationship with Tamra and Eddie’s dog in order to garner some camera time.

6. The best way to stop reality TV stars from arguing is to give them a physically strenuous task. There was plenty of sniping and bickering and arguing and finger-pointing up until everyone got on snow mobiles (or snow machines, as my Alaskan friend from college would want me to call them), and then they were onto snowball fights and all manner of childlike frolicking. As someone from a warm climate, I can understand that reaction to snow.

7. Heather still really cares about the wording of Gretchen’s Malibu Country offer. She is the only one. Not just the only one on the cast, but the only one, period. In the known universe. She got asked to be on the show because you’re a Housewife just like Gretchen and Alexis, not because she’s a notable actress, and she needs to get over it.

8. In Canada, you can go vodka-tasting at -26 degrees celsius in an ice room. It was like the Canadian version of the walk-in beer cave at the Kroger supermarket in my college town, except I never got my tongue stuck to the side of the beer cave.

9. Terry sees a spark in Heather now that she’s acting again. That spark is the light in your eyes that probably flips back on when a grown woman gets to interact with other grown people on a semi-regular basis by way of a break from wrangling four young children. Parenting is a precious responsibility, of course, but I can’t imagine how psychologically straining it can be not to get more variation.

10. Oh god, Gretchen is recording a single next week. Oh god oh god oh god.

I’ve given the Kardashians a lot of guff in recent weeks, and that doesn’t end today, by any means! We’ve hit the near mid-season lull of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, right before the family tries to drum up some decent plotlines in foreign waters. This year it’s Greece! Will the Kardashians spoil the Adriatic like they spoiled the DR for me last season? Only time will tell. Until then, we just have to bide our time with every insignificant detail of Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy. But we kind of signed up for that when we agreed to watch this season, didn’t we?

While the plotline desperation definitely peaked with last Sunday’s “watch Kris Jenner pee in a bush” debacle, this ep was still “KUWTK Lite.” Though that being said, I did learn how to give a baby CPR, so it wasn’t a total waste of my time. (Though sitting through Rob’s run-down of his early AM self-pleasure routine absolutely was! Seriously, what is wrong with him? Why does he have no boundaries?)

Kardashian predicament numero uno: Kim’s tenure at her pre-Kanye, single lady abode was coming to a close, but her new post-Kanye-and-baby digs weren’t going to be ready until February, because of permitting issues. (Here’s a brilliant idea, maybe don’t stage an epic home reno when you have a baby on the way. Just a thought.) Thus, Kim was on the hunt for a rental where she and baby and Kanye (who remains forever off-camera) could relax and enjoy all the newborn baby goodness.

Kris Jenner was of course insistent that Kim forgo the rental route and move in with her immediately until the baby dropped. Kim did a little rental shopping and a fair deal of fretting, but Kris wouldn’t let it go until Kim conceded to her will. Everything worked out, though, because Mama Jenner is handy with the footrubs. And pregnant women love that stuff!

Kardashian predicament numero dos: Scott was spending a lot of time with his sister-in-law Kim in this episode – helping her out with baby things, taking her to a first aid class (The whole first aid class was loaded with yuks, wasn’t it?), chumming it up, etc. which irritated the crap out of his pseudo-wife/baby mama Kourtney, and for no good reason, really. It all began when Scott valiantly offered to help Kim with a little stroller construction, but within days he was tackling practically every baby project he could get his hands on, as well as playing the part of pseudo boyfriend – ogling Kim’s pregnancy boobs, taking her to a first aid class, enjoying an early dinner, encouraging her to scarf on salad – you know, all the stuff that Kanye really should’ve been doing. (Where is Kanye?! Oh, he’s in Paris recording his album or something. CONVENIENT.)

Kourtney became a little crazed about this whole non-stop Kim n’ Scott pre-baby party, which seemed like a bit of an overreaction and recalled the insane-o pregnant Kourt of last season. She pouted about and made declarations like “he has other responsibilities,” but…does he? This man gets paid to be himself on national TV, and you know their housekeeping and childcare sitch is pretty set. Kourtney has crazy jealously/control issues; they’ve been extensively documented on every season of KUWTK ever. Not even her sisters are exempt. Ladies, I’m sisterless – tell me, is this quasi-normal behavior? Do you worry about leaving your boyfriend or spouse-type figure around your sisters, even if they aren’t total skanks? Do you lose your cool if your man compliments another woman in your family, or makes a special effort to help her in some way? Do you still wig out if you’re not getting the most attention?

After Kourt blew up at Scott for never doing jack around the house for her in front of the entire Kardashian clan (Pink plush things were thrown! Kris Jenner swilled wine! No one could agree on how many towels a baby should have!), Kourt and Scott had another one of their classic heart-to-hearts. Kourt let Scott know she was totally jelly because the first time she was pregnant, Scott was all about it, and the second time, he didn’t lavish attention on her like he had before. I watched last season in its entirety though, and what Kourt neglected to mention is that a) there was a one year old kid in the mix, and b) Kourt was a tiny, fire-breathing monster set on destroying Tokyo while pregnant. Scott actually did a fair bit of daddy duty when Kourt couldn’t deal with life whilst knocked up, and there’s plenty of photographic evidence. Anyhoo, they came to some sort of resolution, made a few jokes and everyone went on with their lives.

The rest of our minutes were filled with a friendly little ping-pong competition between Bruce and Brandon Jenner. Brandon was/is a ping-pong tournament champ down at The Malibu Inn, so Bruce decided he should get in on the ping ponging action. Thus began a ridiculous escalation of one-upsmanship. Brandon hired a professional ping pong instructor who just happened to be a ping pong world champion, Bruce bought a $2,500 ball machine because no one would play with him except his housekeeper, and so it went.

When it was finally time for the big ping-pong tournament, Bruce decided to psych out his opponents by donning a tee-shirt with his 1976 likeness on it. Subtle. But then Bruce himself got completely psyched out by some Red Bull-wired dude who yelled, “C’mon sporty guy!” at him and very likely had no idea who he was. Needless to say, he lost the match. But all was well, because Brandon made it to the final and took home second place for Team Jenner. There was much rejoicing, and all the Jenners felt pretty good about how much screen time they’d snagged on this episode (presumably).

Here are a few of my fave Kardashian quotables from this ep:

First Aid Instructor: “What do you do if you see a woman lying on the ground?”

Scott: “Have sex with her.”

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Scott: “The good news is…once the baby comes, things get so much easier.”

Kim: “Really?”

Scott: “NO!”

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Kris Jenner to Kim: “You know that old saying…never make a big decision while you’re pregnant.” (I am 89% sure this is not an actual saying.)

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Kris to Kim: “Your feet! They look like baby balloons!”

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Scott to Kim: “Your voluptuous pregnant body shouldn’t be in bike shorts around people.”

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Kris to Kim: “What is not chic about my black shower? I mean, I feel like a ninja in this shower.”

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Next week, the fam is FINALLY going to Greece and they’re taking the Jenner boys, too! Pack your imaginary bags, Kardashian fans – this one’s definitely going to be a two-parter.

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