It’s that time of year again, PB readers. All your favorite network shows are having a summer siesta, which means it’s time for the Kardashians to forsake their otherwise completely private personal lives and take over your Sunday nights on E!’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
As you probably know, the big dangling carrot on the season premiere was the Kimye baby-gender reveal. I’m sure some super fan somewhere had a baby reveal KUWTK viewing party/shower, complete with cupcakes that were pink OR blue on the inside (please invite me next time, because I love cupcakes), but because I had to white-knuckle it through of 55 minutes of non-baby gender reveal-related filler, you’ll at least have to indulge me and speed-read the rest of my review before I dish about the results of Kim’s big reveal. (I’m kidding of course, it’s already all over Google News. You’ve read 16 different headlines by now. )
If you paid attention to the last season of KUWTK, you’ll remember that things ended with a premonition of things to come – Kim wanted to get her eggs frozen because she was suddenly very concerned about her fertility, and scheming momager Kris Jenner, being the wise celebrity sage/witch doctor that she is, encouraged Kim to get off the pill and “listen to her body’s natural rhythm,” which in Hollywood is code for “ride that Kanye cash train for another 18 years, guaranteed.” Not to invalidate Kim’s own unique life goals, or to imply that she’s just a pawn in an ever-complicated Kardashian money-making scheme, but yeah, you get the idea.
So as with any ep of the Kardashians, this episode was woven together with a series of plot lines that weren’t necessarily related, but all served one collective purpose: killing time between ads. I MEAN, enlightening us about the Kardashians and their unique lives and thoughts. In this episode: Bruce and Kris were having marital troubles (per usual) that they both tried to pass off as no biggie, Scott wanted Kourt to get more adventurous in the bedroom with a little backdoor action. (Yes, this was an actual plotline. And surprisingly, it was my favorite part of the episode. More on that later.) And of course, Kim was having a lot of FEELINGS about her pregnancy/lot in life, and they weren’t all positive, necessarily.
I’ll tackle one of my favorite Kardashian topics first: Kris and Bruce! In an effort to get in a little man time, Bruce decided to have a boys’ night at the beginning of the episode, but Kris, of course, couldn’t deal with the noise or tolerate the presence of people in her home who couldn’t really do anything to forward her career. Bruce and his bro-hans were playing with those flying helicopter toys you get at the mall and taking the grand tour of Casa de Jenner, but Kris was already tucked under her bed covers, where she remained there, even while Bruce was showing a pal their pimped-out bedroom renovations. Classy. I’d have any sympathy for her at all if there weren’t 18 other rooms in her home she could sleep in. Later, Bruce disturbed her while she was getting a massage, and she wigged out about how Bruce knows he shouldn’t disturb her during her special private lady time, which then makes Bruce lament doesn’t have any space in this house for special private man time. Then they discuss finding him some man space. This all, of course, sounds like very thinly veiled divorce talk.
So Bruce and the Baby Jenners started checking out beach houses – Kylie and Kendall were a tad concerned about their parents ever-crumbling marriage, though surely they must’ve realized the obvious teen perks of having dear old dad rent out a beach house for the summer. The Jenner boys, Brody and Brandon, (who I suspect will play a more active role on this season) tagged along for round two of home-shopping with Bruce, and they were likewise perplexed about why Bruce was suddenly in the market for other living quarters. Both Bruce and Kris insist that they are simply acquiring a little extra bit of space, which is perfectly healthy for a couple that’s been married for a bazillion years, you guys!
Things inevitably backfired when everyone wanted to hang with Bruce 24/7 in Malibu, and Kris was left to her own devices in her big empty Calabasas mansion. So of course, Kris staged a Malibu beach house invasion and berated Bruce about his slovenly man-cave ways. It was her way of letting him know that she missed him, of course, because she can only show love through guilting, shaming and manipulating people, basically. Oh, and cooking, apparently! Kris insists that she loves cooking for her family, (as does her live-in chef, I imagine). For the entirety of this episode, she will only ever be seen making pasta.
So, the, ah, sex thing. It all began with, what else, a giant sibling discussion about everyone’s sexual predilections! Because THAT’S very normal! Both Scott and Lamar Odom apparently have no problem discussing their sex lives with their brother-in-law, Rob. (The Kardashians…fostering healthy family relationships since…well, never really.) Scott was totes jealous of Khloe and Lamar’s FREAKY sex life, which was/is, by Rob’s personal account, REALLY freaky. (I did watch a few eps of Khloe and Lamar, and sadly, I can attest that yes, Khloe and Lamar’s bedroom activities are not limited strictly to the missionary position. But a gal does have to get creative when she’s having sex with a giant.)
Scott, like so many other men, was jealous that he was the only man in the family who remained banned from backdoor action. He broached the subject with Kourt, who was not at all game until she got the brilliant notion to call his bluff. She conceded to the idea, with one not-so-tiny condition: she would get the pleasure of performing it on Scott first. To really, uh, drive the point home, she purchased a rather large purple adult novelty and tried to entice Scott with her shiny new plastic toy. Of course, Scott’s butt practically zip-tied itself shut at the sight of Kourtney doing soft shoe while wearing a giant purple marital aid. (This was, frankly, my favorite part of the episode.) Congrats, Scott. You are now officially a bonafide heterosexual man, complete with all of a bonafide hetero man’s standard sexual hang-ups. Kudos to ladies who can out-freak their supposedly freaky partners.
Anyhoo, Scott and Kourt are clearly in a much better place now than they were last season, because Scott’s constant sex talk only evoked coy Kourtney smiles and not evil Kourt death-stares. (The heavily pregnant Kourt of last season was like a tiny, angry monster. I’m glad she’s gone.)
So at long last, we come to Kim’s pregnancy issues. Kim expressed her qualms about bringing Kanye West’s baby into the world while she’s technically married to another dude very early on in the episode. As this new season starts, Kim’s very pregnant, practically homeless and still entrapped in her forever on-going divorce proceedings. (I believe it’s basically the same in real-time, only she and Kanye now have a swanky new pad.) Kim was upset that her divorce might not even be finalized by the time she popped out little Kimye, and this was preventing her from really enjoying her pregnancy. (What’s to enjoy, exactly? You can’t drink, eat sushi, or wear good shoes. Not that that stops Kim.)
Of course, no one could ever seem even a little excited about Kim’s baby when standing next to Kris Jenner. Kris was out-exciting Kim at the doctor’s office, she was installing a nursery in the Jenner household explicitly for Kim’s baby (I don’t remember her doing that for Kourtney’s kids…), and she was rallying the Kardashian troops around Kim in order to get her way more stoked for her impending mama-dom. “If one of you are pregnant…we’re all kind of pregnant!” she exclaimed. “We’re all in this together!” (Later in the season, Kris will literally offer to carry Khloe’s baby for her. BOUNDARIES, WOMAN!) Kris was upset that Kim wasn’t having the time of her life every single day while four months pregnant, and I suspect this will be an on-going problem throughout the season: Kris’ expectations for Kim’s pregnancy not being met. Just wait until she finds out Kanye doesn’t want to film the birth OR sell the baby photos!
Anyhoo, all the Kardashian ladies tagged along for Kim’s big gender reveal – it’s a GIRL, btw. This news finally got Kim genuinely excited about the fetus that had already taken up residence in her womb for four months. After her big news, Kim let Kourt take her out for a day of baby-centric shopping, and they decided that baby Kimye definitely needed a “YOLO” sign for her nursery. Which is funny, if you think about it, because a baby can’t wrap its tiny infant mind around the fact that it’s alive at all, let alone the fact that it only lives once. That’s bound to be disappointing later on, when the little Kimye baby finally achieves self-awareness.
To tie a neat little bow on all the other threads in this episode – Scott will very likely never request backdoor sex play from Kourtney ever again. Meanwhile, Kris dressed up and cooked a homemade meal for her man Bruce, and they reminisced a little about their early days of courtship, eventually living happily ever after. Until next week, of course, when life will become uber-challenging again.
A few additional Kardashian house-keeping notes:
Rob has gained a little weight since last season. Try not to look too alarmed.
Kim is under the impression that babies don’t walk until they’re two. I don’t even like babies and I know that’s not right.
Also, while visiting her OBGYN, Kim mentions that she really wants to eat her baby’s placenta. I can’t even go there. I just can’t.
What was your take-away from this week’s scintillating episode, Kardashian fans? (Or Kardashian haters. We have space for you here, too.)