The Kardashians are BACK! Are you amped?! Were you even aware? Well you should be, because the “This season on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’…” teaser promises Kanye West-canoodling, Kim wearing crazy wigs, tropical vacays, Botox injections gone bad, flour bomb family drama, and a possible Kris Jenner affair! Maybe you have a slightly pervy interest in one of those things; I’m mostly in it for the wigs.
All the past, present, and future Kardashian spin-offs are represented in the season opener – Mama Kris, Kim, Kourtney, Scott, and Mason are present and accounted for. Khloe pops in every other weekend, and the Baby Jenners – Kendall and Kylie – whom I will henceforth refer to as “Kendallyie”, because I can’t distinguish one from the other – are also in attendance.
The scene opens on the Kardashian clan grilling Kourtney about her new pregnancy woes. Scott makes a crack about how sexual she’s been through this pregnancy – but he’s joking. But the jokes on us, because we just had to watch some guy tell his non-in-laws he’s not getting any.
Mama Kardashian harangues Bruce Jenner (Oh right, him!) for sleeping through dinner, and missing out on Scott’s terrible jokes. Later in this ep, the Baby Jenners push Bruce out of his own living room. No one ever seems to notice whether Bruce is around or not. Nobody has any respect for Bruce, even though he won an Olympic gold medal in 1976. I interpret this as a sheer lack of patriotism.
Ladies, let us all thank the heavens that are mothers are not uber conniving, overly Botoxed fame-mongers, a la Kris Jenner. The Khloe paternity issue is quickly established as the drama o’ the week, though it’s 100% instigated and propelled by Kris. For someone who attests she didn’t cheat on Papa Kardashian circa the time of Khloe’s conception, she’s really pushing Khloe to get a damn DNA test. She says things like “Khloe is being tortured because she doesn’t really know in her mind who her real dad is.” But really, it’s just one big exploitive opportunity to plug her book, which is what ignited this whole issue.
Khloe is staunchly against getting a DNA test, because she has so much love for both Papa Kardashian and Bruce that the results wouldn’t really matter to her. (Also, there needs to be conflict, so naturally she and Kris disagree.) But of course, behind Khloe’s back, Kris is busy getting the whole family on board for Khloe’s DNA test. Because it’s important that they all question their mother’s fidelty to her deceased husband, and do so as a family. It’s also worth mentioning that Kourtney is looking particularly orange in this scene. (Is that something that happens when you’re pregnant?) One Baby Jenner has a very astute assessment about her mother’s ridiculous preoccupation with Khloe’s paternity results, and I quote: “I think my mom is going a little crazy with these paternity tests for Khloe. I don’t think my mom should care about what people say about her book if she knows the truth.” Way to be a reasonable human being, Kendallylie.
Bruce accuses Kris of “bending to the tabloids” – and brings up an astute point of his own – that the only reason this is even an issue is because Kris wrote about it in her book. Rob Kardashian is on his way to go talk to investors (?) in Europe (?) about his sock line (?), but even he gets pulled into the DNA drama. He thinks the whole situation is absurd, but he gets his mouth swabbed just like everyone else.
Sub-plot time! There are two sub-plots in this episode vying for a tiny fraction of your attention…
1. Dash is getting relocated – Kourtney is being a sneaky little mama and scoping out potential retail spaces on her own, buying product on her own, basically running the store on her own – like a person with real initiative, or something. THE GALL.
Later Kourtney very coyly brings up that the space she wants for Dash is AVAILABLE, right in front of Kim. Manufactured drama time! Kim is peeved because she hasn’t been involved in the whole process. But when Kim and Kourtney scope out spaces together, Kim has the same problem that so many prospective home buyers on HGTV have. She can’t visualize!
Kourtney clearly wants Dash all for herself – and why shouldn’t she? She clearly cares about it the most. Later in the episode, Khloe flies in again from LA to scope out the new Dash space – Kourtney lets Khloe know that she’s made an appearance in “Who Wore It Best” versus Nicole Richie – and Nicole Richie won. Kourtney is such an odd bird – she’s fiercely loyal and protective, but she craves power, and she’s quick to play the “extremely subtle bitch” card. She makes me realize how wonderful/awful sisterhood can be, sometimes simultaneously.
Anyhoo, they finally decide on a well-lit new space, and Khloe tells Kourtney she looks like Rupaul in her little Annie Hall-inspired outfit. Nice barb, Khloe.
2. Kris and Bruce are on the fritz. They no longer share a bed – but what really causes Bruce more vexation is the fact that he can’t eat potato chips on the new couch without getting chewed out by Kris. Kris, if a man can’t eat his potato chips on his own couch in his own damn home that his step-daughter’s sex-tape essentially paid for, where can he eat potato chips? Bruce decides to crash at Khloe and Lamar’s place for a few days. Nobody notices, except Scott – who sees this as an opportunity to do some serious male bonding, and snag a little screen time. So Bruce and Scott are chilling at Khloe’s vacated place, eating potato chips, and talking about how neither one of them are getting laid. Which is not at all uncomfortable for me, the viewer! Later, Scott calls the Kardashian residence to see if anybody has noticed that Bruce is gone. They haven’t. Single tear.
Kris gathers the entire family together for a family dinner. It’s not a dinner she prepared of course, but still. Kourtney announces that she’s having a girl. Kris doesn’t really care though, because this family gathering is just a staged opportunity to ambush Khloe with a DNA test, and this time Kris goes OFF about this whole manufactured controversy – she swears in front of small children, she yells, she even goes so far as to accuse Papa Kardashian’s ex-wives of spreading these rumors in a sad, pathetic attempt to get press. The AUDACITY.
Khloe leaves the room, which is clearly the right thing to do, because Kris is off her nut. Bruce Jenner gives Kris a sarcastic standing ovation, which I’m sure he does everyday, in his own mind. Kris is so convinced that Khloe is not over it. Later, she meets Kim for lunch to bitch about the situation even more. I’m so bored with this plot arc by this point I’m just going to intently watch Kim Kardashian eat french fries. But wait, now Kim is totally calling Kris on the whole “It’s all for HER” act, because clearly, it’s mostly (all) about Kris. Kris concedes that yeah, maybe it is kind of about her, and then asks if she can come to the opening of the new store, and Kim says no, because only biological mothers are allowed. That doesn’t even make sense Kim, because…oh, nevermind.
Interlude: Bruce, Kris, and the Baby Jenners go for fro yo. Apparently, one Baby Jenner is having trouble in science, and she wants a tutor. Bruce is ecstatic that his text-happy daughters are actually reaching out to him, or even talking to him about ANYTHING. It makes me a little sad.
Anyhoo, is the Khloe paternity case resolved? Not in this episode. But Kris writes Khloe a heartfelt letter, which only serves to amp up the schmaltz quotient by about 1000. Hugs are exchanged, but then Kris “accidentally” decks Khloe in the head with a pool cue. If memory serves me well, I remember “Khloe Kardashian Paternity Test Results!” being a tabloid headline a few months ago – so I’m betting Kris probably gets her way, in the end. And possibly also gets divorced.