Kim Kardashian with mustache

Ah, the Kardashians. Week after week, they remind me how wonderful, awful, and insufferably inane family can be – all within the course of an hour. This week, Kim K and the Baby Jenners are having some serious bonding time – applying fake eyelashes, jumping on beds, jogging, tackling assignments for Seventeen magazine together, voguing while wearing fake handlebar mustaches – premium sisterly fun!

Kendall and Kylie are now West Coast Contributors for Seventeen Magazine, a position I would’ve mercilessly slaughtered the entire Kardashian family for when I was a wee, writerly teen with a closet full of teen fashion mags. But Kendall and Kylie TOTES deserve it, because they are…sort of famous. It doesn’t matter that they titter at antiquated vocab words like “swoon”, as in “Any teenage girl would swoon for this opportunity.” (I myself use “swoon” at least twice a day.)

But at least Kendallylie know how to dress for the part. In fact, I’m kind of shocked, because in last week’s episode, they both looked 12 years old – and this week, they are all leggy, made up and boobified to the point where it’s slightly alarming. In fact, I’m clutching my pearls right now. It’s almost as if some E! network exec saw the first episode and said “I don’t think we’re actualizing Kendall and Kylie’s underage sex potential enough this season. Luckily, we have just enough room in the budget for two tiny boob jobs…”

Kendall and Kylie’s first assignment for Seventeen is hitting the streets to recruit models for a fashion shoot. But little Kylie has reservations about her first professional gig. “I’m just such a shy person, I don’t know if I can just walk up to random people.” Kylie says aloud to the MILLIONS of viewers at home. Sure enough though, Kendall does all the legwork, and Kylie slowly (and rather conspicuously) shirks away from each new model prospect. But as you can probably guess, Kylie’s strangely selective crippling shyness is not the main point of contention in this episode.

Just like last week, it’s all mama drama, all the time. Kim and Kourtney are lunching – chatting about Dash, drinking Arnold Palmers, and looking their casual best. Kris Jenner is of course, a topic of conversation. Her stupid book is bringing up some long buried resentments on Kourtney’s part. One million years ago, Kris cheated on Papa Kardashian, and that’s why they divorced, and now that Kourtney’s a mom of her own, she just can’t fathom how a young married mother could do that to her children. NOBODY, except for flipping Kim, even touches on the point that Kourtney isn’t married to Scott – so does that mean she’d never leave him because they have children together, or does she feel that she’s free to leave whenevs because they’re not married? No one is asking the hard-hitting questions here, Kardashians! Kim also says that Kourtney and Kris are very different, because Kourtney would stay in a relationship for 10 years, even if she was miserable. I can’t think of who she might be referring to…

Anyhoo, Kourtney has not let this stuff go for over 20 years, and now pregnancy hormones (and the Kris Jenner memoir) have brought it all bubbling back up to the surface. In a particularly telling Skype sesh, Kim and Khloe discuss Kourtney’s lingering bitterness – and in one confusing moment that is quickly glossed over, Khloe asks if that means she also judges Kim, because she got divorced…wait up, Khloe. The topic of conversation is wives who cheat…are we suggesting that Kim is also an adulteress because she’s canoodling off-screen with Kanye West, even though she and what’s his face are still in separation/divorce limbo? Again, everyone seems to be skimping on the real meat in this reality show sandwich!

Later on, Kourtney invites the whole fam over for lunch. She has a ridiculously hot, beefy personal chef, who Kris Jenner, of course, thinks is flirting with her. Kourtney then lays in to Kris for being “completely inappropriate”…however 1. She’s way off base, and is being a ridiculous prude, and 2. Earlier in this ep, Kourtney not-really-jokingly asked if her mom boned a contestant from “The Voice” in the bathroom at a Babyface concert, (BTW readers, if you’re under 21, there’s a tiny chance that’s how you were conceived).

But here’s a serious question that deserves a serious answer: why is Kourtney, an unwed mama-of-2-to-be, allowed to employ such hot, premium affair material as her personal chef, while rebuking her married mother for ever finding a man attractive? Ridiculously exploitive Kris Jenner of last week’s episode, you are almost forgiven. Kourtney is in flaming evil bitch mode, and she might not let you out of this week’s two part Kardashian Memorial Day extravaganza alive.

After Kris and Kourtney’s lunchtime showdown, Kourtney and Scott have a non-conversation about the day’s events. Scott says they never talk about personal things – because Kourtney likes to keep it all “in her head”. Truth-telling time: either Kourtney and Scott’s relationship chemistry remains carefully hidden off-screen, or…yeah. Honestly, Scott has more natural chemistry with everyone else on the show, including Bruce.

Kourtney’s chat with Scott doesn’t really resolve anything, and only serves to reaffirm the lingering issues in their own relationship, but after yet another sister-on-sister Skype sesh, Kourtney decides to seek some counseling from her shrink-on-call. We don’t know how this conversation goes however, because these are Kourtney’s private, innermost thoughts – just kidding! It’s all on-screen, of course. There are more tears and more BS about how Kourtney would “never do that to her children” RE: Kris Jenner’s affair. But later – a breakthough! Kourtney’s anger towards Kris also has something to do with her trust issues with Scott. Hokay! This isn’t really a plot arc you can wrap up in a neat little bow. Kourtney clearly has issues with both her mom and her baby daddy, and unlike Khloe, she’s way less likely to hug it out (but she eventually does anyways, for the sake of good tv). Maybe she’ll continue to let us press our ear to the door of her therapist’s office – but honestly, watching a grown woman work things out with her shrink on national TV makes me feel all kinds of dirty. Plus, I can’t help but judge people who seem so brutally un-self-aware.

In other news: Kim Kardashian is afraid of spiders, and she isn’t any less afraid of spiders when people throw them on her. Also, surprise! The Kardashian-Jenners don’t believe in spaying and neutering their pets, and one of the Baby Jenners is clearly under the impression that Bob Barker is no longer with us. There’s about 15 minutes of filler involving a stolen Ferrari prank which is not really worth anyone’s time. Also, Kim Kardashian thinks Indian food is disgusting. You heard me right.

Oh, and with a little sisterly lovin’ and encouragement, and a brief trial by fire, Kylie overcomes her inability to talk to pretty strangers. The day is saved! Or at least, three pages of content in a recent issue of Seventeen magazine. Now stay tuned, because the long holiday weekend dished up two helpings of those krazy Kardashians! Check out your second heaping helping of Kardashian drama on the next page.

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  • xingxing520

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  • Jennesia

    I was going to mention this last week on that recap but I forgot….but if Kris had an affair 25 years ago and Khloe is 27 how exactly is it plausible that she is not the biological daughter of Robert Kardashian? Did I miss something? Secondly in an episode of Kim and Kourtney take NYC they addressed the issue of Kourtney and Scott not sleeping in the same bed but in this episode we see Kourtney coming from another room discussing something with Scott and subsequently leaving to go to another room and bed I assume? Didn’t they rectify the fact that they do not sleep together!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so confused.

  • BigBangBaby

    Amanda-admittedly, I don’t watch this smut, but I check in every week for your updates b/c you are hilarious.  I dont think the issue for Kourtney is that she’s not married to Scott but the whole dishonesty issue that is attached to cheating.  I don’t think Kourtney would be mad at her mother if her mother had divorced her father and then started dating.  No, her mother went around sleeping with other men and this seems to have led to the breakdown of her marriage, rightfully so. I totally understand Kourtney’s resentment. In Kourtney’s case (even though she isn’t married to Scott) cheating is cheating and I don’t think she would cheat on Scott. I think Kourtney would handle the situation more maturely.  She would try to go to therapy with Scott and if it still didn’t work, they would seperate and move on, not sneak behind his back and sleep with every tom, dick, and harry.  I really think Kourtney’s issue with her mother stems from the obvious dishonesty and duplicity. I may be wrong but that ‘s how I read the situation from the recap.

    • Guest

      This wasn’t Amanda.

  • Jess

    If you are going to recap, you at least have to keep them straight. Kendall is the shy one, not Kylie.

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