Did you feel that? It’s all the remaining hot air draining out of this season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. For two episodes, E! has been playing up some intense Kris-Brody showdown, but that was almost completely hype. We saw a very short, tense exchange last week when Brody called Kris out for having all the wrong priorities (money, fame, other Kris things), but this week, before anyone could really throw down the verbal gauntlet, wet blanket Kourtney stepped in to diffuse the situation. She insisted that, contrary to Brody’s suggestion, her mother’s soul was not as black as coal just because she enjoyed the finer, insanely expensive things in life. I really wanted to see how a dude whose claim to fame is a series of overly cinematic reality shows was gonna lecture a grown woman whose claim to fame was basically the same (plus her daughter’s very lucrative sex tape), but now I’ll never know how that conversation would go.
Kris got a little teary as she explained that, while she had high hopes for blended family relations at the beginning of her marriage to Bruce, having an extended step-family didn’t end up being the weird fairy tale she originally envisioned. Nobody can really account for the tension between the Jenners and the Jenner-Kardashians. I just assume like most family drama, it’s all too stupid or horrible to bear mentioning. Kris also randomly mentions that Kourtney didn’t speak to Bruce for 5 years (?!?), but provides no explanation as to why. The three agree that nobody really knows anyone as well as they should, and that’s maybe everyone’s fault, which wasn’t the coed catfight I wanted at all! Later, Brody even extended the olive branch by ordering Kris a bottle of rosé at dinner. Oh, everybody’s chummy now?! Do we now have to pretend our retinas weren’t permanently scarred by watching Kris Jenner applying tanning oil to Brody’s taut, supple backside last week?
Extended Jenner family trivia – here’s something even crazier to throw in the mix. Bruce had another wife plus two kids before he married Brody and Brandon’s mom. Where are they? Why don’t they get a free trip to Greece? What are their feelings? The world may never know.
Once the whole Kris-Brody situation had been “resolved”, Kris’ attention returned, albeit briefly, to ye old “Kim isn’t happy being pregnant” trope. Kim has been rolling around all week, trying her darndest to enjoy this family trip whilst heavily pregnant. Kris Jenner still isn’t convinced that Kim is ecstatic about pregnancy enough, but Khloe somehow finally manages, 10 episodes in, to convince her that everyone’s pregnancy experiences are different, and Kim is probably gonna love the crap out of that baby. The end.
The next 20 minutes of the ep are pure travel porn: beaches, sunsets, ATV rides, and fish pedicures. Yes, FISH pedicures. How does a fish pedicure work, you say? Glad you asked! You submerge your feet in spa full of little guppies, which eat all of the dead skin off of your feet. (Would it be weird/disgusting/unethical to set this up at home? A little of each, maybe?) Everyone was generally freaked out by fish pedicures, except for Kim, who was freaked out to the point of tears. Every dozen episodes or so, Kim has a moment that reminds me that she’s a real human being, and not a gorgeous robot. In this episode, Kim yelping over having her feet attacked by tiny fish was that moment.
Somehow, the fam completely neglected to invite Kendall out for any of these travel excursions (I mean, c’mon, even Brody got a fish pedicure.) Kendall, understandably, felt a tad left out. She watched helplessly (and wordlessly) as everyone headed off to ATV it up, Greek-style, without extending her an invite. Poor little Kendall was literally in the exact same spot on the couch when the crew returned. She didn’t get invited to fish pedicures either. Sad trombone.
Mid-episode, the group packed up and left Mykonos for Santorini. Two out of three Kardashian sisters agreed that it was one of the most beautiful places they’d ever been. I thought Mykonos was pretty cool (and it was just starting to feel so homey!), but the gang seemed blown away by Santorini. Their Santorini suites were pretty pimp, and even included some kind of in-ground spa or hot spring-type thing, which seemed amazing but was used zero times during this episode.
Everyone dressed up for dinner on their first night in Santorini, and for good reason – Lord Disick had finally deigned to grace everyone with his presence! After some premium man-time in London, Scott caught up with the fam on the second leg of their trip. After Lord Disick was paid proper heed, someone finally thought to acknowledge Kendall, who confessed she barely felt like she was actually on this trip, because she’d been left out of all the day’s events. Kris made a half-ass attempt at an apology, but Kendall, suddenly overwhelmed by feelings, dashed off to her room. Kris explained to everyone that Kendall just needed a minute to herself, and then, it was as if Kendall had never existed at all. The fam moved on as if nothing had happened. Does everyone secretly hate Kendall? Or do people just forget about her because she’s not flashy? If this was Kim, it’d be a 20 minute segment.
After dinner, Everyone moved to Kris and Bruce’s private pool and performed their annual “Kardashians jump in the pool with their clothes on” to-do, because that always makes for a good clip. It was Kim’s last night in Santorini – she was splitting early to go hang out with Kanye in Paris, and seemed pretty pleased about it.
Meanwhile, Brandon and Brody were conspiring to restore a tiny fraction of Papa Bruce’s manhood by getting him his own putting green back in Calabasas – in Kris Jenner’s backyard, no less. One by one, they solicited the blessing of each Kardashian sister before they decided to go whole hog with the idea. Nonetheless, this will become a huge point of contention on the next episode. We can all see that coming.
Here’s something I’m a bit miffed about: the same night of the Kendall cry-in and Kardashian clothes-on pool dip, Kylie, Kendall, and Brody decided to go clubbing in Santorini (again, Kendall is not invited) and the cameras didn’t not follow them. I assume that was because their sole intention was to get baby Kylie schwasted, because no one bats an eye at a 16 year old having a drink at a bar abroad. Except the paparazzi. So we’ll never know what kind of shenanigans those three got into that night, a fact which will haunt me for the rest of the season.
The next morning, Scott and Brody dished about the high price of fame before breakfast. (You can’t play wingman to your single friends without ending up in the tabloids for being in a limo with a bunch of bimbos, for starters.) You may remember that there was a small Scott news item in last week’s episode about him leaving a club with some hot ladies; there were also several other dudes present, but the tabloids tend to gloss over facts like that.
Kendall was still upset the next morning – so legitimately upset, in fact, that she didn’t want to talk about it on camera. Khloe did a little consoling off-screen, and apparently Kendall was very upset that she had only gotten a fraction of the hang-time with her half-bros that everyone else had grabbed. It’s hard for Kendall to compete with everyone else for Brody’s attention, because she’s “shy and introverted” and her camera-whoring talents are scant. It must be hard to be the introvert in a family that has been fluffed for the cameras almost since birth.
As soon as Khloe had cracked the case of the crying Kendall, she was whisked away in a swanky helicopter to the Athens airport so she could jet home to see her man. (Seems excessive – is this standard protocol in Santorini?) After Khloe split, Brody took little loner Kendall on a private ATV ride because he’s a sweetheart, but we didn’t get to see much of that either. Suddenly, the producers are no longer interested in exploiting the private goings-on of this family! What show is this?
Meanwhile, Scott was hiding in an alcove because he gets overwhelmed by large groups. (Just not at paid club appearances, I guess?) Leah sought him out for a little heart-to-heart about the perils of being an only child that marries into a giant family. Leah also emphasized how much Kourtney loves him and definitely missed him on the first part of the trip, even if she really never said as much. (This has been a barely-there plotline for the last three episodes, but without any tears, heated arguments or really any reaction from Kourtney whatsoever, it never found any legs.) She reminded him that he should totes find the time to romance his wife before heading back to LA, and then dragged Scott out of his literal hole to rejoin the group. In another life, Leah would make the world’s best middle school English teacher.
Heeding Leah’s advice, Scott really piled on the charm at a private dinner with Kourt. They imagined an alternate universe where they were not reality stars, but simply rich people with the inkling to run a little seaside mom n’ pop restaurant in Santorini. Kourt could host, and Scott could bartend. There was no talk of London bimbos. It all seemed so…mature. While Kourt and Scott relished in a little alone time at the hotel restaurant, the remaining Kardashians and Jenners enjoyed their final dinner in Greece, complete with dancing and plate-breaking.
I apologize for the lack of zingers in this week’s recap – I was expecting another episode stuffed to the gills with premium manufactured drama, and instead all I got was all this touchy-feely nonsense. How can I make gags when no one’s being patently ridiculous? Next week, however, I suspect everyone will be back to their normal, terrible selves. My final take-away from this bloated three-parter is that I really want to go to Greece, like tomorrow, if possible. Greece was the real star of KUWTK this week.