In every season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, it must be said, there are a handful of episodes that shame us with their sheer stupidity. Even if you genuinely LOVE the Kardashians, and everything about them – sometimes this show can just be so dumb. I mean, the TV recapping intelligentsia (it’s a thing, I swear) have always maintained that the vast majority of reality television is unabashedly vapid, and in some instances, they’re right. But occasionally, KUWTK far exceeds everyone’s expectations RE: reality television stupidity. I don’t know which is worse, really, manufacturing drama for the sake of creating tension or taking this approach and just layering fluff on fluff on fluff. For example…
First and foremost, Kris Jenner is a celebrity and going to public restrooms amongst commoners gives her serious anxiety. It’s not unwarranted – at the beginning of this episode, she timed a random stranger’s bathroom emissions to see if they’d been peeing for an inordinate amount of time in a public restroom, (in fact, they had!) and then demanded her daughters help her ID the culprit as they exited the restroom. She also seemed to think this subject made for fabulous dinner conversation. When her daughters pointed out that essentially, people probably time her peeing on the regular because she’s famous, she got a little freaked.
And thus, Kris Jenner started to develop a COMPLEX about public urination. And because this is the 8th season of KUWTK, we were not only treated to Kylie’s grainy cell phone video of her mom sitting on the john, but also to actual documentary-style footage of Kris Jenner peeing in a bush, because she can no longer standing using public restrooms. Complete with full sound! Of course, Kris had a bonafide reason to feel self-conscious about her condition when Kendall and Kylie posted their grainy cell phone vid to their very public blog. UGH, TEENS. It’s worth mentioning that Kendall and Kylie were at each other’s throats in the last episode of KUWTK, but on this ep, they got along like gangbusters.
Of course, Kris flipped her lid and told the girls they were grounded, but in the Jenner household, that means absolutely nothing. Feeling remorseful, the girls decided to apologize like any teens would – by laying down a single for their mom about overcoming her public restroom anxiety. They went into the studio with a lot of dudes that were way too old for them, as well as their good friend, pop vocalist “Pea”?! (“Peah”? “Pia”?) I’m not even making this up. Kylie and Kendall’s rap contributions left a lot to be desired, but when they debuted their hot new pee track to Mama Jenner, she was crazy impressed by their efforts. She shouldn’t have been, but she was.
Meanwhile, Brandon and his wifey Leah paid a visit Kim early in the episode so they could play her their new song, because that’s what family members DO, you guys. They SHARE. Kim gave them both the grand tour of her closet and put Leah in her tallest Miu Miu curved heels, which was cute. If only she had lent Leah ALL her high heels, for the duration of her pregnancy, but I won’t hop on that soapbox right now. Kim, Brandon and Leah had a lot of hang-time in this episode – they met up again for some fro-yo later, and their entire encounter was documented by no less than five members of the paparazzi. Granted, they did go to a fro-yo joint with only glass walls, so it did felt like a set-up of sorts. (Side note: Kim’s pregnancy boobs were certainly having their finest hour during this fro-yo date.)
Leah expressed to Kim that she was thinking of turning down Ryan Seacrest’s request for a short acoustic set on his radio show (which would’ve been a huge opportunity for them, DUH) because she thought their EP still needed a few tweaks here and there. Kim tried to convince her that she should totes go for this huge opportunity, because if Kim’s short time with Kanye had taught her anything, it was that you can literally tweak forever.
But alas, Leah was really just AFRAID OF FAME, Y’ALL! People barely recognize her from KUWTK, I’d imagine, because she has a very girl-next-door look. (Leah’s dad was a guitarist for the Eagles, by the way. Crazy rich and famous people, intermarrying with other rich and famous people.) Leah confessed to her rock star dad over a lunch date that she had watched fame turn a lot of people into huge d-bags (I can’t imagine who she could possibly be talking about!) and she didn’t want that for herself. This was the point at which I realized that this was the “serious” plotline du jour. I then checked the time and realized we were only 30 minutes into the episode, at which point I sighed heavily.
Later, Leah had a heart-to-heart with the hubs and confessed to Brandon through tiny tears that she loved him more than music, and she was afraid of what fame might do to them. Brandon and Leah, you’re pretty adorable, but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, okay? Also, question: why does Brandon Jenner have a kind of Matthew McConaughey Texas twang? He grew up in Malibu, right?
Which brings us to our final layer of fluff on this whoopie pie of an episode: Khloe felt a little left out because Kim and Kourt were talking about baby stuff almost exclusively, and totally forgot that they had make plans with her one time, etcetera. When Khloe got ditched by her sisters, she turned to Mama Jenner for support. Kris decided what these two babyless gals needed was a night out on the town, so they made a date for some serious mama-daughter-drinky time. When the night was finally upon us, everyone wore sombreros, spoke Spanish poorly and drank margaritas from a glass that was as wide as your face! Then, of course, because they were making really great decisions, they got the brilliant idea to TP Kim’s house. (TPing is always hilarious when you’re the TPer.) Kim was nestled up inside her Calabasas compound, chatting away with her BFF Jonathan Cheban, completely oblivious to the goings-on outside. Meanwhile, Kris and Khloe’s driver was sitting in the limo the whole time, politely waiting for them to finish their prank and probably rethinking a few critical life choices.
When Kim was finally made aware of her family’s tomfoolery, she was majorly offended. Jonathan responded with mock concern, then in an aside to the cameras, confessed it was the most awesome thing he’d ever seen. Cut to the next morning: Khloe and Kris were still fairly hungover when sober n’ angry Kim and Kourt showed up to drag them over the coals. Kris Jenner told Kim it was her own fault for neglecting Khloe 24/7. Well played, Kris. Kim then started to feel bad that Khloe had to TP her house to draw attention to the fact that she feels left out. So that whole issue was…resolved?
The episode finished with Brandon and Leah’s big EP release party! Leah wore her fancy cardigan, just for the occasion. (I kid. I have at least 2-3 fancy cardigans for special occasions, so no judgement, Leah.) Brody and Brandon’s ex-step-dad David Foster even showed up to lend support. Ah, L.A. families.
But seriously, was this episode not the worst? If it’s still sitting in your DVR, feel free to skip this one. (I keep up with the Kardashians so you don’t have to.)
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