I’ve given the Kardashians a lot of guff in recent weeks, and that doesn’t end today, by any means! We’ve hit the near mid-season lull of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, right before the family tries to drum up some decent plotlines in foreign waters. This year it’s Greece! Will the Kardashians spoil the Adriatic like they spoiled the DR for me last season? Only time will tell. Until then, we just have to bide our time with every insignificant detail of Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy. But we kind of signed up for that when we agreed to watch this season, didn’t we?
While the plotline desperation definitely peaked with last Sunday’s “watch Kris Jenner pee in a bush” debacle, this ep was still “KUWTK Lite.” Though that being said, I did learn how to give a baby CPR, so it wasn’t a total waste of my time. (Though sitting through Rob’s run-down of his early AM self-pleasure routine absolutely was! Seriously, what is wrong with him? Why does he have no boundaries?)
Kardashian predicament numero uno: Kim’s tenure at her pre-Kanye, single lady abode was coming to a close, but her new post-Kanye-and-baby digs weren’t going to be ready until February, because of permitting issues. (Here’s a brilliant idea, maybe don’t stage an epic home reno when you have a baby on the way. Just a thought.) Thus, Kim was on the hunt for a rental where she and baby and Kanye (who remains forever off-camera) could relax and enjoy all the newborn baby goodness.
Kris Jenner was of course insistent that Kim forgo the rental route and move in with her immediately until the baby dropped. Kim did a little rental shopping and a fair deal of fretting, but Kris wouldn’t let it go until Kim conceded to her will. Everything worked out, though, because Mama Jenner is handy with the footrubs. And pregnant women love that stuff!
Kardashian predicament numero dos: Scott was spending a lot of time with his sister-in-law Kim in this episode – helping her out with baby things, taking her to a first aid class (The whole first aid class was loaded with yuks, wasn’t it?), chumming it up, etc. which irritated the crap out of his pseudo-wife/baby mama Kourtney, and for no good reason, really. It all began when Scott valiantly offered to help Kim with a little stroller construction, but within days he was tackling practically every baby project he could get his hands on, as well as playing the part of pseudo boyfriend – ogling Kim’s pregnancy boobs, taking her to a first aid class, enjoying an early dinner, encouraging her to scarf on salad – you know, all the stuff that Kanye really should’ve been doing. (Where is Kanye?! Oh, he’s in Paris recording his album or something. CONVENIENT.)
Kourtney became a little crazed about this whole non-stop Kim n’ Scott pre-baby party, which seemed like a bit of an overreaction and recalled the insane-o pregnant Kourt of last season. She pouted about and made declarations like “he has other responsibilities,” but…does he? This man gets paid to be himself on national TV, and you know their housekeeping and childcare sitch is pretty set. Kourtney has crazy jealously/control issues; they’ve been extensively documented on every season of KUWTK ever. Not even her sisters are exempt. Ladies, I’m sisterless – tell me, is this quasi-normal behavior? Do you worry about leaving your boyfriend or spouse-type figure around your sisters, even if they aren’t total skanks? Do you lose your cool if your man compliments another woman in your family, or makes a special effort to help her in some way? Do you still wig out if you’re not getting the most attention?
After Kourt blew up at Scott for never doing jack around the house for her in front of the entire Kardashian clan (Pink plush things were thrown! Kris Jenner swilled wine! No one could agree on how many towels a baby should have!), Kourt and Scott had another one of their classic heart-to-hearts. Kourt let Scott know she was totally jelly because the first time she was pregnant, Scott was all about it, and the second time, he didn’t lavish attention on her like he had before. I watched last season in its entirety though, and what Kourt neglected to mention is that a) there was a one year old kid in the mix, and b) Kourt was a tiny, fire-breathing monster set on destroying Tokyo while pregnant. Scott actually did a fair bit of daddy duty when Kourt couldn’t deal with life whilst knocked up, and there’s plenty of photographic evidence. Anyhoo, they came to some sort of resolution, made a few jokes and everyone went on with their lives.
The rest of our minutes were filled with a friendly little ping-pong competition between Bruce and Brandon Jenner. Brandon was/is a ping-pong tournament champ down at The Malibu Inn, so Bruce decided he should get in on the ping ponging action. Thus began a ridiculous escalation of one-upsmanship. Brandon hired a professional ping pong instructor who just happened to be a ping pong world champion, Bruce bought a $2,500 ball machine because no one would play with him except his housekeeper, and so it went.
When it was finally time for the big ping-pong tournament, Bruce decided to psych out his opponents by donning a tee-shirt with his 1976 likeness on it. Subtle. But then Bruce himself got completely psyched out by some Red Bull-wired dude who yelled, “C’mon sporty guy!” at him and very likely had no idea who he was. Needless to say, he lost the match. But all was well, because Brandon made it to the final and took home second place for Team Jenner. There was much rejoicing, and all the Jenners felt pretty good about how much screen time they’d snagged on this episode (presumably).
Here are a few of my fave Kardashian quotables from this ep:
First Aid Instructor: “What do you do if you see a woman lying on the ground?”
Scott: “Have sex with her.”
Scott: “The good news is…once the baby comes, things get so much easier.”
Kris Jenner to Kim: “You know that old saying…never make a big decision while you’re pregnant.” (I am 89% sure this is not an actual saying.)
Kris to Kim: “Your feet! They look like baby balloons!”
Scott to Kim: “Your voluptuous pregnant body shouldn’t be in bike shorts around people.”
Kris to Kim: “What is not chic about my black shower? I mean, I feel like a ninja in this shower.”
Next week, the fam is FINALLY going to Greece and they’re taking the Jenner boys, too! Pack your imaginary bags, Kardashian fans – this one’s definitely going to be a two-parter.