Finally. A totally frivolous episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians! No manufactured-for-the-cameras drama, no triflin’ cat fights, no desperate grabs for screen time, just some good old fashioned Kardashian ridiculousness, with boob jobs and dick jokes galore! It was a return to the Kardashians we all know and love. Or, at least, the Kardashians we can actually tolerate in hour-long increments…
The episode kicked off with the Kardashian sisters discussing Kourt’s oncoming baby bonanza. Kourt confessed she couldn’t wait to have even more children and speculating that she could squeeze 4 more into her current abode, if she used bunk beds. This was all news to Scott. Apparently Scott doesn’t wear condoms (SURPRISE!), and Kourtney doesn’t want to go on the pill again because she doesn’t even “believe it in any more.” Sooo…that’s one mystery solved. Scott was clearly pretty freaked out by this whole idea, so much so that he later decided to take matters into his own hands. But not by wearing a rubber of course. More on that after the jump!
Meanwhile, back in Casabalas, Kendall and Kylie are finally at that at age when they realize that SOME of the stuff in their mom’s closet is totes worth stealing (or in this case, most, because it’s all designer.) But like most teens, they never return their finds, and they sometimes just give them away to friends. (I don’t even wanna do the speculative math on that one. CRINGE.) Kris caught them grabbing at her designer goods and berated them for doing so, but she was also clearly very flattered.
Here’s a shocker: At 56, Kris Jenner needs a D-cup tune-up. She got her last boob job 23 years ago, so it’s time to go in and get those ta-tas serviced. Because she has a classy L.A. doctor, she picked her tits du jour from the pages of “Perfect 10” issues lying around the waiting room. She told her doctor that her boob implants were starting to look all “big and matronly.”. Nothing like a good lift to remind the cougar hunters out there that you’re still in the game, Kris!
Kris’ age-appropriate friends were on hand to lend her support as she unnecessarily went under the knife and sacrificed all remaining nipple sensitivity for the sake of looking 5-10 years younger. Was it just me, or did Kris’ old implants and new implants look exactly the same size? Once she was out of surgery and enjoying the good drugs and gourmet hospital meals, Scott and Kim paid a little hospitality visit, and when she got back at home, Kendall and Kylie pumped Kris-on-painkillers for permission to raid her wardrobe yet again. (Bruce made an appearance to provide minimal supervision.)
Once she was feeling a little more energetic, Kris invited the family over to showcase her new knockers. She was still heavily medicated of course, but she was really anxious to mildly traumatize everyone in her entire family with her new, post-surgery Frankenboobs.
Speaking of questionable elective surgery, with Kourt demanding even more babies, Scott was seriously considering taking his reproductive rights into his own hands by going under the knife, on the DL. That’s right, Scott Disick would rather have someone make a few surgical incisions to his junk before wearing a condom on the regular. There’s a promotional endorsement opportunity here somewhere, Kris Jenner.
Sadly, while consulting a professional about it, Scott realized he’d never be able to hide something like a vasectomy from Kourt, what with all the surgical prepping downstairs, kvetching to his doctor, “She’s gonna be imagining I’m out in the street trying to pick up young chicks who I need to shave my scrotum for!” (The Scott Disick one liners were particularly top notch this week.)
A vasectomy, of course, seemed like Scott’s last defense against the unreasonable ball of pregnancy hormones that was Kourtney Kardashian. But Scott could never miss an opportunity to discuss little Lord Disick and dished all about it to his best boy Rob, who of course informed on him to Kourtney.
Kourt and Scott just can’t see eye to eye about the whole number-of-kiddos issue. Obviously, that’s something people should talk about before they’re married, or, uh, at least before they decide to have second child together that isn’t completely an accident. The sad state of Kourt and Scott’s sex life is apparently no big secret to absolutely anyone in the family (WEIRD). Scott’s hesitation on the issue of course makes Kourt imply that she’d happily shop for sperm donors elsewhere. Khloe encouraged Kourt to not to make such BS ultimatums. But BS ultimatums are the currency they deal in on Planet Kourt. And the Kourt dollar is particularly strong this week.
Kourt and Scott finally had a heart-to-heart of sorts, and decided they wouldn’t move forward with their family planning on either end without consulting each other first. (But because Kourt keeps Scott on a strict “no coitus” diet, I think we all know who has the upper hand on this one.)
Cut to Casabalas: once Kris Jenner was feeling like herself again, she realized she’d been getting robbed blind by the baby Jenners and decided to take drastic action in order to preserve her walk-in closet’s net worth. Later, Kendall and Kylie found they’d been locked out of mom’s closet, so they immediately started rummaging through Kris’ nightstand. (Danger, Will Robinson, danger!) What’s Kris Jenner reading? 50 Shades of Grey and Joan Rivers’ biography. They’re insta-busted by Kris, of course, who announced that her wardrobe would now be run a la a public library. Kylie very wisely decided to check out the Birkin Bag first. I’m guessing she later incurred some serious late fees.
This episode was pretty near perfect, as far as KUWTK goes, but sadly, the producers felt the need to tack on a sappy fertility clinic bit right at the tail-end. If you’ve read a single tabloid headline in the last 3 years, you’ve probably noticed that Khloe Kardashian is desperate/anxious/totally not rushing to start a family, but has been unable to produce an Odom heir in three years time. But strangely enough, it was big sis Kim who had made an appointment to see a fertility doctor on this ep. You see, Kim Kardashian was seeing a fertility specialist so she could freeze her eggs for future Kimye spawn. She really wanted Khloe to go too, because she’s the one that’s actually trying to get pregnant (and being honest about it), and bitches have to do everything together.
At the doctor, Khloe got some less-than-positive news that she didn’t seem to be ovulating regularly, which of course decreased her chances for making beautiful babies anytime in the near future. Cue single tear.
You probably didn’t see it coming, but yes, they totally stretched this episode into yet ANOTHER two parter. Why Kardashians whyyyyyyyyy…
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