My love-hate relationship with the Kardashians is teetering heavily towards unrelenting hatred this week. We all know the Kardashians are completely ridiculous people (with wardrobes that are so nice that we almost forgive them for it), but in this week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, a lot of them seemed downright stupid, emotionally insensitive, and perfectly miserable. I’m looking at you, Kris Jenner.
As we remember from last week, Rob had to run off-screen and have a good cry at the end of the episode. Part two picks up right where we left off – with Big Sis Khloe and Dr. Whatsherface attending to Rob’s emotional needs in the bathroom while the cameras rolled. Meanwhile Kim, Mom, and Kourt remained in the therapy room, privately wondering if they should try to look more concerned for the camera.
Once Rob rejoined the group, cry rag in hand, Dr. Whatsherface wanted to skip all of the superficial BS and break on through to the “underlying issues” – at which point, I think we all cried aloud, “THEY’RE NOT READY!!! THEY’LL NEVER BE READY.” Never one to miss a cry cue, Kris broke down while she talked about how Rob wasn’t getting what he needed – emotionally, financially…but mostly financially. Kim started crying while she talked about her Mother’s inability to both manage and mother. Kris raised 5 daughters, but she never really got the hang of raising a son, it seems, because Rob still doesn’t have it together. (Rob is 25, btw.)
But even through her tears, Kim was mad indignant because she had worked her whole life to make things happen, and Rob clearly just wasn’t trying hard enough. And also, because she was just like, SO over therapy. When TV therapist broached the subject of their father’s death, Kim was extra quick to pat herself on the back for being totally emotionally prepared for his early exit – going so far as to take sole credit for being the very last person to work at her Dad’s office. Khloe reminded her that she was also present, but Kim straight up denied it. Kimstory prevailed. The whole session was a serious bust, and the drama was unnecessarily prolonged by a failed email apology on Kim’s part. YAWN.
Let’s take a moment here to muse on the fact that at the beginning of this season, Rob was shopping for million dollar homes. A few episodes later, Rob moved back in with sister Khloe, because he was tired of…paying his own rent, most likely. Cut to a dozen episodes later, Rob admits that he has no source of income, and starts lashing out at his family for not providing him with more opportunities to make some bank. If Rob had any other surname that Kardashian, this would seem petty, malicious, and immature. But given their family history, it’s actually a fair accusation. The Kardashians keep everyone in the fam bankrolled via one big circle jerk of endorsements and guest appearances. I mean, Kendall and Kylie are basically failing their classes because they’re being forced to have careers. (True story. More on that in a minute.) Why can’t Rob get some of that action? He has literally nothing else to do.
Kylie and Kendall break! The girls were in NYC this week, putting in a few office hours at Seventeen HQ and then getting their pose on at Wilhelmina Modeling Agency. I can’t wait ’til they’re outspoken enough to have their own show. For the time being, they’re just like adorable, big-eyed gazelles.
I was so excited to see the girls more prominently featured on this episode, but my excitement quickly soured when I realized the kids were jet-setting on a school day. Once they were back in L.A., they frantically tried to cram for finals but already seemed to know they were doomed to fail. Kendall and Kylie made an impassioned 11th hour plea for home schooling, but Kris and Bruce weren’t having it and insisted they just weren’t studying hard enough, while simultaneously threatening to cancel all their paying gigs if their grades dropped. I’m calling your bluff, Kris Jenner. I’m pretty sure you’ve never said no to a check with more than two zeroes on it in your entire life.
Let’s take yet another pause to muse on the failed parenting skills of Kris Jenner. Shipping your gorgeous teen girls off to get modeling lessons in the middle of the school week? This seems like pretty irresponsible parenting. Can’t you or one of your five handlers schedule that kind of stuff on the weekends? Kris forgets that the Kardashian gals all rose to fame post-secondary school, and forcing the Jenner gals through the fame grind prematurely is costing them serious IQ points. (Not that anyone is pretending Kendall and Kylie are going to college anytime soon…)
Kylie even went so far as to try and skip her final, saying she didn’t feel good. Kendall had to bail to make it to school on time, which irritated Kris, because now she had to drive Kylie to school herself, making her late for her workout. (Priorities, Kris. For real.) Kylie freaked out, because she knew she was gonna fail her final and her Mom never listens. Kendall and Kylie have been trying to tell their parents this for months, but who has time for a tutor when you’re being interviewed by Oprah, flying to NYC mid-week, etc?
Kris tried to convince Kylie that passing a test is just a matter of confidence. (Kris is a dumb-ass.) Finally, Kylie bolted from her Mom’s car in the middle of the burbs, which finally got Kris’ attention. Cut to end of episode: Kylie and Kendall finally got their way, and now they’re enrolled in some sort of home-schooling program for celebrity children. #firstworldproblems
Other things that happened on this episode…
Kim finally had this great idea to let Rob help them design a men’s line, so Rob and Scott met with fashion bigwigs to brainstorm for it. The only problem was that Rob, in true Rob fashion, wore a ballcap and a sweatshirt. On the other hand, Scott wore a suit, complete with pocket square. A POCKET SQUARE, ROB! Scott is pretty appalled by Rob’s slack-assitude.
Scott and Rob want a men’s line that’s retro-casual. Despite Rob’s office wardrobe faux pas, the meeting goes well, and “Robert Scott” is seemingly off the ground. (Does this signal the end of Rob’s sock line, Arthur George?! GASP.)
Khloe, Lamar and Kim went to NY together, and Khloe tried to educate Kim on how to dress when you’re visiting Queens. Kim can’t remember how to dress down anymore, though, because she remembers nothing that happened before the great Kanye West wardrobe purge. Kim had to go shopping with her ambiguously gay (but publicly straight) bff Jonathan to buy a special outfit to go to Queens. It’s a pretty appalling 1990’s J-Lo get-up. You’re a tourist, Kim. You’re not role-playing. Lamar dragged Khloe and Kim around his old haunts in Queens, where they interacted with people that were exponentially poorer than they were and pretended to be totes authentic. Screen time, successfully wasted.
And in case you need a timestamp on this episode – this all went down around the time that Kris Humphries served Kanye West with a subpoena. Remember when that happened?
BONUS RECAP: This week on “Married To Jonas”, Ma and Pa Jonas nagged Kevin’s little missus about popping out babies ASAP. That’s seriously all that happened. And yet, I couldn’t look away.