Lance Bass in the hizzy

This week, Sunday night with Keeping Up With the Kardashians was particularly trying. I first had to watch this horrible, horrible episode of KUWTK, and then I had to expend even more precious brain energy analyzing it. As if these people and their actions aren’t totally transparent. Kris Jenner’s emotional infancy has me seriously fuming this week. I apologize in advance for the liberal use of all caps, but seriously. ANGER. Thankfully there were enough attractive guest stars (and bottles of vodka) to get me through the night.

For starters…little Mason already knows what “show me your abs” means. GROAN.

Lance Bass was in the Kardashian-Jenner household for an all-too-brief luncheon with the K-J clan. He updated us on the status of Lou Pearlman, who, aside from being a short, fat, balding guy who managed and mismanaged the band, was once the 6th official member of N’SYNC, unbeknownst to all. And is now in jail. Khloe’s follow-up comment to this conversation: “Mom, I gotta say, you’re exactly Lou Pearlman,” was particularly priceless.

Meanwhile, in another corner of Calabasas, Scott and Rob were doing a little house-hunting together. We know from previous episodes that Rob’s budget is a million smackeroos. How can Rob afford a million dollar house, you ask? Spoiler alert: he can’t. Which begs the question, where does Rob Kardashian’s money come from, exactly? I’m guessing all the Kardashians received a sizeable inheritance from the late Papa Kardashian (which very well could’ve been used up long before Kim got naked on camera with Ray J.), and I know they get paid five digit sums per episode for…doing what they do in front of the cameras, but Rob doesn’t have a lot of endorsements. He occasionally makes a paid appearance or two, and he raked in some cash for “Dancing With The Stars”, but…I still don’t see how we get anywhere in the ballpark of one million. I’ve seen how these people live their lives – expensively.

And it turns out, his business manager agrees with me. She told Rob he should really have 20% to put down on a $1 million home – which is $200K, for those of you who suck at math. Cue montage of sister Kardashians totally hating all over Rob and his sad-ass life/lack of a job/general patheticness. Why can’t he get something reasonable, like a condo? Do “stars” not live in condos? JUST BUY A DAMN CONDO, ROB! People who are wealthy enough to own their own home in L.A. will not mob you right outside your door every morning, because they don’t care.

Once Rob’s home search rather abruptly came to a halt, he decided to move back in with Khloe and Lamar, much to Khloe’s chagrin. Apparently, Rob doesn’t pay any bills when he lives with Khloe. WTF, Rob. You’re a grown man – at least pay the electric bill or SOMETHING.

Meanwhile, Bruce has an old man crush on Angie Everhart, mostly because she’s a hot lady who plays golf and gives him the time of day. After running into each other at the course, they scheduled a little golf date, which of course enraged Kris, because we’re in desperate need of a plot arc for this episode. Bruce was so happy playing golf with Angie that he forgot to pick up Kris’ dry cleaning on the way home. Then, of course, the shizz hit the fan. Kris lost it over the dry cleaning, because she couldn’t just ‘fess up and tell him she didn’t want him golfing with a supermodel.

That’s all it took to convince Kris that Bruce was cheating on her with Angie Everhart. (I mean, men never forget to pick up your dry cleaning unless they’re cheating. It’s way more incriminating than lipstick on a collar.) She enlisted Kim to help her spy on them at the golf course, because everyone is a child in this episode. As Kim suspected, Bruce was simply spending time with another woman, whose company he greatly enjoys – granted she’s a supermodel, but all they did was golf. Even after this was proven, Kris still decided to use this as the ultimate excuse to hang out with her ex. Kris definitely wasn’t projecting her own faults on to Bruce so she could let herself off easy for sneaking off to see Todd, I mean, that’s not what’s happening AT ALL! Kris Jenner, please start seeing an analyst. I will start a Kickstarter fund – I feel that strongly about it.

Then the cinematographic GENIUSES behind KUWTK spliced footage of Kris and “Todd’s” sexy rooftop rendezvous with Bruce and Angie’s golf play date. It’s easy to see why Kris’ actions are pretty reprehensible, and Bruce’s are pretty tame. Kris and Todd’s encounter is rife with disgusting sexual tension. Also, let’s be honest: golf is basically the un-sexiest sport you can play. By a lot. Unless sweater vests are what really get you off.

So Todd is an attractive-enough douchebag, but his intentions were so effing obvious. When Kris asked Todd why he never married, he leaned over and whispered something in her ear. I was 95% sure it was “Because I’m gay,” but then Kris blurted out “How can you wait for someone for 23 years?” Answer: He wasn’t waiting for you Kris. He was waiting for a Kardashian-sized payday.

END SCENE. Oh wait, there was some Khloe-Rob sibling squabbling that took up a lot of the episode, but in the end, that was resolved, and Khloe took it upon herself to help Rob out by making him “pay” rent every month, which she would then save up and return to him when he was ready to leave the nest. You’re a good sister, Khloe Kardashian.

Ok, sound-off.
-People on this show who are emotionally still eleven years old: Rob, Kris, Scott (That’s right Kris, you’re the oldest broad on the show, and you’re sandwiched right between your 24-year-old son and your daughter’s baby daddy. Suck on that for a while.)
-People who I can actually stand: Khloe, Lamar, Bruce, Kylie, Kendall.
-People on this show who are just mature enough and just pretty enough to get a pass: Kim.
-People who are emotionally 60 years old (and fittingly cranky) yet surprisingly un-self aware: Kourtney. Now that we know where everyone stands…

Other observations:

Rob has a very enviable phonograph. And he owns records! I didn’t take him for a vinyl man.

Khloe’s damn in-home assistant has been living in loungewear all season, and it’s driving me CRAZY. Put on some real lady pants, pleeeeeease.

I love Lance Bass so much more now that he’s out and proud and no longer wearing puffy jackets.

Kim LOVES to spy. If she wasn’t so famous, she could totally be an undercover cop, or an FBI agent or something – we already know she’s very fond of wigs and fake accents. Though those curves would definitely be working against her, 24/7. Men never forget an ass like that.

I’m sure Angie Everhart just LOVES that she signed a waiver to be on this stupid show just so Kim Kardashian could call her “Fire Crotch” on national tv.

Does anyone watch the Kardashians bonus features on E!’s website? They can be very illuminating. If you want to see Khloe wince her way through one of those duck bus tours in Boston, or see the plot of land that belongs to his lordship Scott Disick, you should totes tune in.

  • Guest
    • http://twitter.com/eclaireanderson Emily

      Oh, nice catch! Doesn’t tea taste so much better when it’s served in a $150 tea cup? Oh, it tastes the same?!

  • Jennesia

    I am sooooooooooooooooo glad that I was not the only one who thought this episode to be painful and significantly infuriating! Kris Jenner I think you have sufficiently illustrated her idiocy, lack of respect and level of immaturity. I was screaming at the television begging Bruce to divorce this poor excuse for a woman.I usually refrain from making statements on who deserves who but…..on this occasion I think it is fair to say that Bruce deserves better. The preview of next weeks’ show is at least comforting because it showed Bruce calling this bitch out@!@

    • http://twitter.com/eclaireanderson Emily

      That made me happy too, Jennesia! It’s time for Kris to receive her comeuppance.

  • Diane Smith

    I agree when Todd whispered in Kris’ ear I was certain that’s what he was saying as well. This episode was really silly and I agree that it was immature of Kris to get back at Bruce by going out with Todd. I think they’ll need marriage counseling for sure. Rob needs to get it together so he no longer has to worry about getting along with Khloe and being cursed out by his other sisters. I started watching this show by suggestion of my coworker at Dish. I never miss an episode because I have the Dish Remote Access app. With this I can watch live TV and recordings. I can also set up a timer on my DVR at home if I want. I love the time-saving convenience!

  • http://twitter.com/TinkersRealm Tinker’s Realm

    ITA w/your assessment & am beyond bored & irritated w/the Juvenile, Disfunctional, Abusive way they treat each other & everyone else-Would be so embarrassed to be apart of this self indulging family of Narcissists! PS: I think the Vinyl Collection belonged to Rob’s Dad-he does not have enough brain cells to have amassed such a collection!

    • http://twitter.com/Laura_Nil Ashley

      ..
      My friend gets more than $2350/Month working few hours on his personal computer , Story Exposed => http://tiny.cc/EarnOnlineArticle

  • Sandy

    OMG!!! This is so typical American stupid realty TV show. They just keep coming and never end. Why do you care such stupid TV show??? And why do you write about this????

  • honey

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  • rainrowan

    This article is very well written and enjoyable to read! Good wit and humor.

  • suz

    Let’s face it, Kris is the power that propelled this family of fame whores into national celebrity. So, rher to let herself appear so stupid so often just proves the point…..she will do anything for her celebrity (and $$$)… Oh…I just FF’d through this episode while I was eating lunch….10 minutes, max…and even that was a bit much.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1388776363 Cyndi Cavanaugh Anderson

    Great article…Kris needs alot of therapy, no one can tell me all this is put on for cameras..I give their marriage a high chance of divoirce happening…These people are examples of what not to do to make money, or how to live with money..Sad.

  • nicegirlsfakeit

    I thought the SAME thing about the fire crotch comment! I love me some Kardashians, though! They’re my guilty pleasure!

  • http://www.facebook.com/michelle.guapohammerstein Michelle Guapo-Hammerstein

    ok so robs net worth is 2.75 million…what does he do with all of his money? invest? buy alcohol? women? idk

  • beeniechika

    YOu’ve gots to do this EVERY WEEK. THis was the most laughs I had all week!

  • Tara


    where does Rob Kardashian’s money come from, exactly?”
    He has a sock line!

    But seriously, if the only thing resembling a job I had was a sock line, I’d be ashamed of myself.