On this week’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, the vacation from hell continued. Indeed, it became even more hellish. Khloe snuck off in the beginning of the episode, thankful she got to go crawl back into the safe arms of her “peaceful” gentle giant, Lamar Odom, claiming she needed “a vacation from this vacation.” I think we’ve all had those family vacations, so this expression seems particularly apt.
Bruce Jenner opted to sleep on the couch during this portion of the vacay in light of the revelations about Kris’ DL activities with her ex-lover “Todd” in last week’s episode, which is particularly sad (but also par for the course) because he and Kris sleep in separate bedrooms back in L.A. On the same evening, Scott got drunk and hopped into Kim’s bed to cuddle up with his main squeeze Rob (true story) who was busy trying to convince his sister that she was not in fact, fat, and that she should not make assessments about her body when standing next to her 80 lb sisters. Stars, they’re just like us. They unnecessarily stew about their weight, despite being the bonafied masturbatory fantasy of two generations of disgusting pre-teen boys.
Finally, Scott convinced Rob to quit the chick chat and engage in some mischievous antics, so the boys crawled over the wall into Kendall, Kylie, Spencer, and Maddie’s suite and ambushed the girls in their bedrooms, 3 a.m. bed-snatcher style. Because that’s hilarious, right? It’s totally appropriate for grown men to scare slumbering underage girls in their skivvies? Gross. Scott got some flack the next AM from Bruce, of course, which thrilled him to no end. He and Bruce are still not cool at this point. His plan for the remainder of his vacay was clearly to sleep off his hangover and avoid the rest of the family at all costs. (Guess how well that worked out for him. Just guess.)
Meanwhile, something was amiss with Kris Jenner’s face. She had an allergic reaction to something, and her upper lip became cartoonishly swollen. She looked like a feverishly Botox “Real Housewives” monstrousity. Word quickly got around (via text of course, because nobody in this family believes in yelling) and everyone in the family gathered to ogle Mama Jenner’s grotesque face. Kim was quick to propose that this was the result of some DR plastic surgery hack job gone bad, but Kris protested that she did not sneak off for plastic surgery in the middle of the night. (She did not however, deny that she had snuck off for it 6 hours prior. I’m onto you Kris, and your carefully worded confessions.)
Bruce took the kids out skeet shooting, Kourtney and Mason hung out on the beach, and Kris of course was confined to her room, forced to enjoy a full body Swedish massage and other luxury spa services. Oh, the horror.
Oh, the Kardashians. The smallest, most insignificant details can set an entire plot arc in motion – like Scott drunkenly peeing in a trashcan. Rob mistakenly mentioned this little detail from last night’s drunken exploits to Kim, who mentioned it in front of Kourtney n’ Scott, which obviously made Kourtney upset, because why is a grown man peeing in a trashcan? As fans of the show will know, Kourtney has a lot of feelings about what grown people should do, and this is not one of them. And then Scott wigged out and decided to go home. Take us with you, Scott…this episode is going nowhere.
When Scott left Fort Kardashian, everyone took a while to take him seriously – per usual. Eventually, people noticed that he hadn’t reappeared in a while, though no one seemed more non-plussed than Kourtney – strangely enough, Bruce seemed the most concerned. Bruce was concerned with Scott’s ongoing emotional immaturity issues. Because he has “unfinished business” with Scott, he decided to talk it out, man to man, because “life’s too short” – at which point, Kris wisely chimed in with “And life’s too short to waste time wondering if I saw my ex-boyfriend or not.” BOOM. Kris is gonna take that cliched wisdom and toss it right back in your face, Bruce! Bruce then realized he might’ve been acting a little irrationally, RE: the Todd issue – though we, the viewers, still no more than Bruce does at this point, which makes me shift uncomfortably in my seat a little.
Bruce then headed off to have a heart-to-heart with Scott, who has holed up in his own hotel room that’s completely separate from the Kardashian villa (but I’m betting, still in the same resort complex, and still on the Kardashian’s bill. Way to take a stand, Scott.)
Now, fair warning, Kardashians fans – shizz is about to get deep. Bruce and Scott once again renew their strange bond over the fact that neither of them can figure out what the Kardashian women want from them, on any given day of the week. Scott’s woes are a little more existential – the whole episode hinges on his sudden insecurities about his status with Kourtney and the Kardashian family at large. The raceway incident from last week’s episode was a faint but resonating reminder that Scott still has no formal place in this family, or this series. Of course, he deals with any emotional situation by saying “eff this” and leaving, but Bruce was there to help with that.
Scott expressed his insecurities about his future with Kourtney to Bruce (which we can all admit are pretty well-founded, because Kourtney is total flake who refuses to marry Scott, the soon-to-be the father of two of her children). Apparently, Scott is scared that she could tell him it’s over at any time, because of one tiny stupid thing he’s done – and he’s “scared to do anything.” Though, we have to point out, Scott, that a lot of what you DO do is kinda dumb. Scott and Kourt’s relationship is a decidedly mismatched, and frequently miserable one – but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get married anyways, and be mismatched and miserable in a 100% legally binding way – for the children. Scott is basically Kourt’s dependent as it is; it’s not like he has a job or anything.
Anyhoo – Scott’s concerns were pretty valid, and this alarmed and befuddled the Kardashian crew, who for the first time in several episodes are forced to remember that Scott is a real human being, and not just a hologram. Kris encouraged Kourtney to make a grand, sweeping gesture to Scott – so she buys him uh, a friendship bracelet. Which she redubs a “commitment bracelet.” Nice try, Kourt. It signifies her commitment to him, which is solid, despite the fact that she won’t marry him, and he knows that. Scott reminded her that long ago, she said if they had another baby, she’d marry him – but now she’s gone back on her word – which is SCINTILLATING detail, but now I’m a little worried that someone might’ve been poking holes in his condoms 7 months prior. “I’m not going to keep trying with you forever.” said Scott, though we know he’s lying, because it would take a major earthquake to roll him off this gravy train. All ominous break-up threats aside – Scott LOVED his new bracelet! And this episode isn’t another two parter. So it’s warm, fuzzy, non-committal feeling all around!