GREAT NEWS, Kardashian fans! All the truly great television is FINITO for the season. So now we can kick back with everyone’s favorite extra vapid Kardashians and enjoy their triflin’/totally staged drama, 100% guilt-free! “Mad Men” – OVER. “Game of Thrones” (if you like that triflin’ medieval drama) – OVER. The season finale of “Girls” was last night, and it was perfect. But now we’re totally free to be as shallow as we wanna be.
The episode started off with Kendall (Or Kylie? I can never tell) taking a cute pic on her smartphone with her dad – except she’s making a gesture that in the UK, means “Up yours,” to put it politely. SO CUTE, OMG. Then of course, Kris Jenner ruined this unintentionally awkward father-daughter moment by berating Bruce for never sending her sexty texts. Then she played a massively uncomfortable “food association” game with Bruce, in front a horrified Kendallyie. Tiny biscuits were supposed to be Kris Jenner’s boobs, and some sort of burnt piece of celery somehow reminded Bruce of Lamar Odom. Uh, which part of Lamar are we referring to, Bruce? We’re all very uncomfortable now.
Later, in another, even stranger parts of the L.A. metro area, Kris was taking a random tennis lesson with some random, vaguely European fellow, and then SURPRISE – she ran into that guy she had an affair with. Remember that affair that she wrote about in her “MEMWAH” that she’s always yapping on about? The one that broke up her marriage to Robert Kardashian? Yeah, that guy. It was sheer coincidence, you guys. KISMET. This chance encounter definitely wasn’t staged! Kris and this Homewrecker of Christmas Past engaged in a sort-of-off-camera-but-not-really convo, exchanged an overly long hug, and then Kris jumped in her car and gushed to her assistant Noelle over the phone about her steamy encounter. We learn through Kris’ revelations that Bruce picked up Kris on the rebound from this guy, who cheated on her – probably because he was approximately 16 at the time and not ready to be tied down to a woman with 4 children. Just guessing.
YAWN. In this week’s subplot, Kourtney had Scott on a tight leash, because she’s prego, and she has a second, invisible umbilical cord that’s attached to Scott’s penis. Kourtney feels semi-bad about it though, so in this episode, she suggested Scott hit the town with his sis-in-law Kim, who will police him for douche-baggery and non-Kourtney-approved behavior. What’s the worst that could happen? Khloe warned that rumors would fly if Kim and Scott hit the town together, sans Kourtney – and this was Kourtney’s exact response: “Let those rumors happen honey, I could care less.” (Spoiler alert: she will care.)
Scott and Kim’s first play date is very mild – just dinner and a little ChatRoulette back at the ranch. Wait, what? E! did everyone a disservice in this scene, because the footage I wanted to see here was the view from Kim’s smartphone – because she was recording every encounter. But because E! didn’t get waivers from any of those fools, we couldn’t see any of their ridiculous reactions. Sad times. There were some great moments during the Scott-Kim hang-out sesh nonetheless: at dinner, Kim admitted that she has a baby back-up plan. If she’s 40, and not married, she’ll have a kid via artificial insemination, although she wondered aloud if you’re allowed to see pics of your preferred sperm donor. Ah, Kimmie K. Superficial to the last. Despite the fact that Scott declared Kim “the most boring person ever,” they manage to have a gay ol’ time punking random strangers on the interwebs.
Anyhoo, a little fun quickly snowballed into what was, in Kourtney’s words, “a little routine.” The cameras followed Kim and Scott to the club and gave us a little glimpse of the Kim Kardashian lifestyle people wanna see. Fizzy green cocktails, flashing strobe lights, people in blazers – all we’re missing is a half dozen TMZ paps outside, and a few emoticon-ridden texts from Kanye, and it’s the full Kim Kardashian experience. Kourtney called and texted Scott repeatedly while he and Kim were at the club, because his pic texts clearly revealed that he was having too much fun with her hot-ass sister, and she felt it was time to reign it in. Kourtney was not down with Scott bunking at Kim’s for the night either, even though there’s probably like 1,000 bedrooms, and I estimate, 332 bathrooms, and 166 half baths.
On the one hand, Kourtney has a point. A family man shouldn’t make a habit of “sleeping over” at a friend’s house, because everyone knows that is code for “having an affair.” On the other hand, Scott was at Kim’s house. (I mean yes, she’s one of the 5 hottest women in the world, but she is also Kourtney’s sister.) Kourtney has a serious jealous streak. Even though she doesn’t even sleep in the same bed with Scott, she insisted that he comes home via a car service, like a reasonable adult, so she could stop worrying. It’s so great that Kourtney and Scott work together so well on a platonic level, because that will really come in handy when they are no longer romantically affiliated. (Then again, Scott could probably ride that Kardashian fame train into the dust.)
MEANWHILE, in the Kylie and Kendall-verse, there was a SCINTILLATING episode with a spaghetti sauce stain, and the girls were forced to operate heavy machinery – or more accurately, machinery larger than a vacuum. Which is all the more impressive, because they’ve probably never operated a vacuum in their entire lives. The stain lifted, but the rug was slightly damaged, because it is obviously made of the bristly hides of a 100 different Himalayan mountain goats, or something equally obscure.
Khloe interlude: Kris and Rob flew to Texas to see Khloe, and of course, the man in the memoir came up. This dude had been emailing Kris, and we could tell that she still had some unresolved feelings for him, because we could hear the romanticization play out in her voice. At some point, she actually boo-hoo’d about it in front of her assistant Noelle, crying “It makes me angry that I still even have tears after all this time!” It makes us angry too, Kris. It makes us angry that your tears are bogarting everyone else’s screen time, episode after episode. Kim’s divorce is making tabloid headlines every single week, and we have to listen to you wax on about some guy you schtupped over 20 years ago. Khloe told the viewers at home about how this guy used to come over for “pool parties” when she was four years old. Gross.
Kris can’t be totally open about her feelings on the matter with anyone other than Noelle and, of course, the millions of viewers at home, because her daughters are clearly biased and super judgmental. Also, because Kris had her damn mind made up a lot time ago. So she snuck off later in the episode to rendezvous with Todd, but Kim and Rob were on to her, because Kris is wearing a sequined blazer to run some errands, which makes it impossible to be sneaky. Also, she’s not furious at Kylie and Kendall for the whole rug incident. But who could be mad at those two for anything, really? They’re like giant baby gazelles.
Rob and Kim hopped in the car and went paparazzo on their own mom, but they quickly lost her because there are like a million big, souped-up black SUVs in L.A. Kim and Rob aren’t the only ones who are SOL, because this is a TWO PARTER, bitches!
Next week: the Kardashians go on vacation, and everyone hashes out their triflin’ issues in an exotic tropical locale. I’ll be watching and drinking a mai-tai in my one-bedroom apartment, listening to the relaxing sounds of the freeway, right outside my window. It’ll be almost the same.