I did myself a MAJOR disservice by watching the season finale of Mad Men BEFORE I settled in for a new episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” Sunday night. Really, it was like watching the Cirque du Soleil open for a juggling monkey. Or seeing The Beatles open for Hall & Oates. (if you’re quietly thinking that you’d rather see Hall & Oates, then get out of here, HIPSTERS!) If only I had watched the Kardashians first, I could’ve been so much more satisfied with what was (comparatively) a much meatier episode than usual. I could’ve sipped on a mojito, basking in the absolute lack of subtext and relishing in the rather crude, pointless subplots, but no. Damn you, Don Draper.
Anyways – this week’s episode brought us a few rather unsurprising revelations: Kris and Bruce Jenner play tennis, just like all couples who slowly drift apart due to career demands and eventually have affairs. Kris waxes on about how she’s had a tennis court most of her adult life. Kardashian home videos roll, and we watch baby Kourtney hit a few balls while the late Papa Kardashian narrates. Kris decrees that the Kardashians will once again play tennis as a family, which means everyone gets to go buy all new tennis gear! Admittedly, the ladies look pretty hot in their little outfits, and I’m sure channel-surfing dudes everywhere paused to take notice.
Kourtney is disturbed by her mom’s tennis grunts, just as she’s disturbed by anything her mother does that is remotely sexual, but Kim is also concerned by the otherworldly sounds coming from her mother’s end of the court. Baby Mason, who clearly has a much better sense of humor, finds it hilarious. Kim and Kourtney decide that the whole family needs to get in on this one-note joke.
Meanwhile, Bruce is trying to sell Kris on the idea of roping his son Brandon and his lady Leah into her brand new, barely legit music management company that she’s recently started with Babyface. He actually puts “music management company” in quotations. Bruce, I find your honesty refreshing. Kris is hesitant to mix business with family….oh wait, that’s her ENTIRE business, which Bruce promptly points out. It’s clear she just doesn’t want to rep for kids that she’s not blood-related to. Harsh, Kris. So harsh. It’s ok though, because Brandon has his own reservations – probably because he’s seen “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” and he knows exactly how Kris’ special brand of promotion works.
Cut back to the tennis courts – if you couldn’t tell by my earlier exposition, we’re spinning this whole Kris Jenner tennis sex noise thing into an entire subplot this week. Fair warning. Clearly, none of the Kardashian girls have ever seen Wimbledon, or the US Open. I’m not really surprised – tennis players don’t exactly seem to be their type, and they seem interested in sports chiefly as a source of future boyfriends.
There’s a montage of more cute tennis outfits and more Kris Jenner tennis noises. The kids all think this is hilarious. Time for an unnecessary storm-out, to drag this nonessential plot point along. Kris decides that tennis is no longer fun, because now her children are all grown and have dirty-ass minds. So much for a return to the Kardashian Golden Age du Tennis.
Now we’re hitting the quarter mile stretch of tonight’s episode – and we’re gearing up to watch Scott draw Kourtney a bath! Pregnancy clearly equals a lot less sexy time for Scott and Kourtney (as has been established in practically every episode this season), but Scott totally blows his one chance for some televised private time with his lady by talking about eating salsa off her feet…Ew. Kourtney only finds Scott annoying while she’s pregnant, and she’s not afraid to tell us as much.
Kourtney seems to be under the impression that real life (and even pregnant life) romance should be something like the 1997 movie “Titanic” – even though the only real romantic highlights in that film involve A. having sex in a parked car and B. posing in the nude for an artistic, PG-13 portrait. Kourtney, having done both, and having narrowly avoided a misdemeanor charge for one, I can attest that both of these things are vastly overrated.
Scott fancies himself more Ryan Gosling than Leo DiCaprio, and thus is channeling “The Notebook” for sexy time inspiration – which involves getting a spray tan and randomly hammering on his house, pretending he’s a handyman. Then he quotes “Brokeback Mountain” which, FYI gentlemen – not a surefire way to get ladies into bed. (Sidenote: it appears you can’t say: “get her panties wet” on cable television without getting bleeped? The more you know.)
Back at the Kardashian ranch, Bruce crashes Kris Jenner’s very important business meeting with Babyface to try and sell “Kenny” on his son’s music – and, what a coincidence, Brandon and Leah get a snippet of their song on a show that, sadly, has way more weekly viewers than “Mad Men”. (Look upon ye ratings, and despair!) But forget that – here’s the sort of ridiculous celeb tidbits I live for: While chatting with Babyface, Kris Jenner reveals her pal LANCE BASS has an idea to take a member from 5 boy bands of yore, and then have them found 5 new boy bands, and pit them against each other on a reality TV show. GET ON IT, E! Lance Bass needs a paycheck. I can’t even remember a single N’Sync chorus, and I’m pretty sure I owned at least 2 of their albums.
Confrontation time: Kris and Brandon have a sit-down to discuss this whole horrible idea of Kris managing their band. Brandon politely declines, because that would ruin their relationship, which has been “really chill” thus far, and Kris admits she’s super relieved. As are we all, because this whole music management company thing isn’t ever really going to happen, is it? Sidenote: I LOVE the wallpaper in this scene, Kris. Where can I buy it?
Later, Kris and Brandon rope Bruce back into the conversation, letting him know that they both have reservations about getting into bed IN A BUSINESS SENSE. They both agree that “it’s the right thing for (their) family dynamic.” Bruce is slightly disappointed that his meddling attempts have proved ineffective.
Now it’s time for some good old fashioned male bonding: Scott is getting a professional, old timey barber shave – from a hot Asian chick. Only in L.A.! He wants to discuss his sex life with Bruce. Bruce wants to have an entirely different conversation about how great it is to have a young daughter, and simultaneously, a wife going through menopause. I’m sure Kris is pretty pissed that Bruce has outed her as a post-menopausal quasi-cougar, but sadly, that drama stays off-screen. Nobody is getting what they want, clearly, but nonetheless, Scott decides to make an epic last gesture for Kourtney’s heart – and he’s pulling out all the stops. Flowers, candles, sparkling…water. He puts on a suit, and serves “cold, sticky pasta” – which he may or may not have prepared himself. Kourtney admits that there is SOMETHING romantic about all of the effort, but she’s being very hormonal, and not in a sexy way. I guess we’ll all trade this heart-to-heart for anything that’s even a little erotic.
P.S. Scott, “Bring it in for the real thing, bitch” – also not a panty-melter.
NEXT WEEK: Kim Kardashian sees her first penis…on the internet.