I have to say, the lack of Keeping Up With The Kardashians in my DVR last weekend really left me bereft. No Kardashians, after all, equals nowhere for Emily to channel all of her blinding, unfocused rage. Thus, it was a tough week for my husband. I mean, it wasn’t as tough as it is for Bruce Jenner on any given day, but, you know, it was still comparatively tough.
First up were Kim and Khloe, who very badly wanted Mason to have a pet of some sort, so they surprised him with two goldfish. Kourt and Scott were not pleased of course, because fish are…high maintenance, I guess, and Kourt and Scott aren’t pet people. Which is not at all surprising, because neither of them would know what do with all that unconditional love.
Kourt said she and her sisters “hate” dogs, because when they were children, their beloved dog died, and they could never get over it. Clearly no one ever adequately explained to them that pets don’t live forever. (Except for my pets. And your pets, of course. Everyone else’s pets? Prognosis not so good.) Of course, one of the fishies doesn’t make it more than a couple of days. DRAMA!
In other new, is there anything more self-important than planning your own funeral, 40ish years before it’s necessary? Not really. I mean, putting some cash towards a few burial plots when you can afford it – totally acceptable. But in true Kardashian-Jenner fashion, nothing can ever be that modest and simple. Kris wanted to get all serious and plot out everyone’s, uh, eternal happily-ever-after. At first, nobody really listened, because nobody wanted to think about all that while they were still young and hot. And yet, the Kardashian siblings repeatedly got dragged around town to scope out eternal resting place options throughout the episode. A burial ground of the stars, an artisanal coffin maker…Oy vey.
Once the family finally got on board, however, they all shared grand illusions of a full-scale mausoleum at Hollywood Forever, complete with their own moat and drawbridge. Hollywood Forever is an infamous Hollywood graveyard filled with the final resting places of numerous stars of old, like silent film actor Rudolph Valentino, director Cecil B. Demille, screen siren Marion Davies, etc. I’m sure they offered the Kardashians some sort of uh, “family discount” for all of the exposure, as they make a fair chunk of change every year by giving tours to the public.
Speaking of the dearly deceased, another fish passed into the great fishy beyond back at the Kardashian house, despite the fact that Kourt upgraded the goldfish’s humble fishbowl to a palatial fish McMansion. If you’ve ever had fish, you know that they’re especially sensitive to any sort of change ever. Clean their tanks too little, too much, change tanks, filter their water too aggressively – any abrupt change in a fish’s life is a fresh new opportunity to float on up to that big ol’ fishbowl in the sky. Kourt was deathly afraid of having to explain this whole thing to little Mason, (even though, bless ‘im, he barely remembers his own name) so she simply bought a replacement fish.
Fishy death is heavy stuff, but it doesn’t really hold a candle to watching your mother test drive caskets. (Yes, that’s still happening at this point in the episode.) Rob was worried that his mother was hiding something, but his sisters assured him that if Kris was terminally ill, she’d be totally milking it. (Seems like a horrible thing to say, but in this case, it’s 100% true.) Finally, after Kris filled Khloe’s house with floral funeral arrangements, Khloe and Rob staged an intervention, letting Kris know that her morbid fixation was going a bit far, and they’d all been mildly traumatized, as they’ve already lost one parent in their lifetime, and didn’t really care to ponder the loss of another.
After Kris apologized, Rob decided his mom deserved to be commemorated while she was very much alive and threw her a little shindig at some gorgeous mountaintop winery. (Seriously, does anyone know where this place is? It’s like Mt. Olympus. Which is fitting, considering the theme of this episode.) Rob used that opportunity to unveil his new tattoo of Kris on his right arm. Oh Robert. So sweet and sensitive sometimes. I’d like to pretend that any of his potential relationships with women haven’t been permanently tainted by his relationships with Kris, Kim, Kourt, and Khloe, but we all know that’s just not true.
Meanwhile, there was a little contention between the sisters after Kim found out that Khloe is on tap to be Mason’s legal guardian, should the worst happen, and it was never discussed with her. It’s totally gauche to force this kind of issue in such a public way, but you know, tact is absolutely no one’s strong point on this show.
FYI, Kourtney finally decided to get rid of Mason’s fish all together. I’d really like to think she didn’t just flush a pair of live fish down the toilet. I really would.
So Kardashian lovers, with any luck, you’ll be strolling around Hollywood Forever with your grandchildren in the very distant future, and they’ll ask: “Who the hell were the Kardashians?” (Your grandkids are so foul-mouthed!) You may find it difficult to explain to them, or yourself exactly, why they were famous, but simply respond: “They were very fashionable people, and also, very uh, prolific lovers.”