Last night’s episode of Gossip Girl sort of took a turn, didn’t it? For the first 50 minutes, we were all speeding along nicely through a fluff-filled landscape of princes and pretty dresses and Raina’s mom, a woman about whom precisely none of us care. And then it hit a wall. Or, more accurately, a window.

This was perhaps the first time in at least a season or two that I’ve felt genuinely surprised by the show, and now I find myself excited for the last two episodes. Much more so than I was before, anyway. Although are we really going to end the season with an off-the-rails Chuck storyline? Didn’t we do that last year? And does anyone else see Jack Bass and automatically think, “Ooh, it’s Quinn from Dexter!”

We started with Blair and Chuck on separate sides of the city, she enjoying the attentions of a young prince and he obsessing over her newspaper coverage while circling a bottle of scotch and calling off the investigation into the possible murder of Raina’s mother. Blair seemed to think that she’d be a princess in no time, a convenient tie-in to keep images of the royal wedding dancing in our heads, and Chuck was doing his best Depressed Chuck that we all know so well.

Let’s dispense with this whole Raina’s-mother plot right now while I still have my patience about me, because there is perhaps no other element of Gossip Girl that’s annoying me so thoroughly right now. First Chuck wanted to abandon the investigation, and then he got proof that Raina’s mom had been sleeping with his dad and wanted to cut it off, so then there was a motive. And Nate wanted to tell Raina because he’s not smart enough for a long con, but Chuck said no. And then Raina got mad, because all he could think to talk about when he was around her was the Mets, and screw the Mets. (Really, screw them, I’m a Braves fan.)

And then I don’t know if Nate ever actually did tell her, because at a certain point, I started playing Angry Birds every time that they popped up on the screen. I didn’t do it on purpose, it was just a reflex. I intended to care. I tried to care. And then I just didn’t. But I’ll always care about Angry Birds, because some days, it’s the only thing that keeps me from punching someone in the throat. Today, that personal was Nate. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I’d never harm my precious television.

Elsewhere on the island, Charlie was escorted to an NYU lecture with Dan and she just loved it, what with all the people learning about things and having thoughts and stuff. That never happened at her state university! No, in order to have thoughts, you have to go to a private school in a major urban center, because that makes dry lectures from academic types who are the worst public speakers on the planet so much more interesting. Or at least that’s what happens when you’re a rube (Or maybe not a rube? We’ll cover that later.) from Alaska and trying to impress a real New York boy. As always, Vanessa was being sketchy and lurking in the background at just the right time to observe Dan’s post-lecture coffee jaunt. All Vanessa does is lurk around all day and wait to witness sketchiness.

While that was going on, Serena was engaging in some sketchiness of her own. Because she’s still throwing a little shit fit over Blair kissing Dan last week, she somehow got the queen’s phone number and called her to rat out her son and Blair, the happy couple. The queen promptly showed up to totally blow up Louis’ spot by announcing that Louis is about to get married, and Blair, predictably, went home to sulk. Being a prince, though, he obviously did just the right thing: He showed up with a giant bouquet of peonies to explain away the whole inconvenient marriage thing.

You see, he’s not exactly engaged yet, he just needs to be in order to inherit…something. I’m not sure what, because the actor who plays Louis has a deplorable accent and went to the Blake Lively School of Mumbling, but it sounded important. So important that his mother has decided to fly in the ten most eligible bachelorettes and have a Millionaire Matchmaker-style cocktail party so that he can pick one. Naturally, Blair finagled her way onto the list and into the ball, wearing a sparkly gown that Louis himself delivered for her. I don’t know about you, but the thought of boys, even rich boys, picking out my clothes for me makes me pretty nervous. But even a dossier of Gossip Girl posts provided to the queen by Serena couldn’t stop Blair’s crusade for the crown.

While all of that was going on, Charlie was with Dan getting the “let’s just be friends” talk. Because Vanessa “gave her some bad advice” (that’s the only type of advice that Vanessa ever has, even though this time it didn’t actually happen), Charlie “thought” that the way to win Dan’s heart was to secretly hire a bunch of caterers to prepare a gourmet meal for the family plus some visiting musicians at the Brooklyn loft, but as we all know, Rufus is allergic to catering. He’s allergic to everything except waffles. Predictably, it was kind of a disaster, as was the floor-length gown Charlie was wearing, which she appeared to have sewn together from some bandanas and fabric scraps that she found in Jenny’s old room. I’ll restrain myself from making an Alaska joke here, since I come from a flyover state as well.

Meanwhile, at a much swankier party that didn’t feature a single dress made of old hankies, Chuck had showed up to make an utter fool of both himself and Blair. He was drunk, naturally, but he had managed to put on a respectable suit and shave off all of his sexy stubble and locate that ring that almost got him killed in Prague to make an ill-timed bid for Blair’s affections. It seems as though that’s his speciality lately.

When he arrived, Blair was being introduced with all of the various princesses that were vying for Louis’ heart, and Chuck rolled in like Charlie Sheen to break the entire thing up. He demanded that Blair choose him, and when she balked, Chuck got louder (as drunks are wont to do) and people started staring. The queen, naturally, was none too pleased. Queens never are. What, exactly, would please one of those women? Isn’t being rich and unemployed enough to make them happy? It would certainly make me happy.

Anyway, Blair ran out of the party close to tears and went directly home to sulk, but somehow, Louis managed to arrive before she had even taken off her ridiculous tall shoes. And when he got there, he proposed to her with a giant canary diamond ring, but I would have rather had the white diamond that Chuck was toting around. Too bad security had to remove him. Blair accepted his proposal, and then for reasons that weren’t entirely clear, decided that then was the time to go see Chuck and tell him the news. You know, because he had been so calm and reasonable a couple of hours earlier at the party, and he hadn’t found any reason to become more upset since then, had he? Of course not, right?

Well, duh. Blair went over there and Chuck was drunker and madder and violenter (yeah, I know that’s not a word, just go with it) than he had been at the party, and for once, Gossip Girl actually did something that surprised me – Chuck got a little rough with Blair. He didn’t directly hit her, but he shoved her around drunkenly and then put his fist through a window, cutting her cheek with debris. I was unclear from how the scene was pieced together whether or not he had intended that fist for her, which may be a conscious choice on the part of the producers, but…wow. This was a Very Special Episode of Gossip Girl, y’all.

Just in case things were getting a little too deep for you guys, we returned to the Dan-Crazy Cuz plotline briefly before ending the episode. If any of you were still assuming that Charlie is a novice at all this deception stuff, tonight proved that this isn’t her first time at the rodeo. She told Dan that the fancy party stunt had all been Vanessa’s idea to make him think that she was trying to remotely meddle in his personal life (which was true, even though the scenario was a lie), and when he set up a confrontation meeting with Vanessa, Charlie insisted on going herself.

And she did confront Vanessa, although not in the same way Dan would have. Charlie told her that she had misled Dan into thinking that she had been taken advantage of by mean, controlling Vanessa in order to eliminate all of the women from his life, and there wasn’t anything Vanessa could do about it. And when you get down to the details, that’s a pretty good idea. Vanessa has been even more thoroughly discredited with Dan by being mean to the Alaskan rube, and even if she were to tell him the truth, he’d never believe it and only become more protective of the new blonde in his life. He better watch out, though, because if Serena’s willing to sell out her best friend for kissing him, she’s liable to stab Cousin Charlie with a stiletto and have her dumped in the Hudson. She’s only just met her, after all.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Jennifer

    Thank you for the recap! :) It was almost more entertaining than watching! ha!

    I watched the episode and while I agree with you that it is finally getting good…I kept thinking…these “kids” aren’t even out of their teens yet on the show, right?! Blair is already worried about marrying her Prince and I feel like she hasn’t even lived yet! And speaking of the Prince…he could give her any dress and he chose that one? I liked the color and the sparkle, but the top of it seemed odd to me or maybe it was just compared to Serena’s it seemed tame! ha!

    I admit I am not really enjoying the whole Raina/Nate or Dan/Charlie storyline. Poor Nate is pretty to look at, but bores me. I like Dan a lot, but how dumb can this really smart guy be when he keeps falling for the evil girls? I am still on the Dan/Blair train which I know places me in the minority.

    I think out of all the scenes on the show last night I most enjoyed the Eric/Serena scene. I liked how he kept telling Serena how she wasn’t being very nice to Blair and he humored me at least.

    I just wish that Chuck would have something turn out well for him. I know he’s bad, but I still like his character and think there has to be a saving grace in there somewhere. Plus, bringing back Jack Bass is just annoying!

    I do have to admit it though…for all the boring parts I am still excited to see how this season is going to end?!

  • Rachel

    Hey Amanda, I don’t understand this show anymore or the motivations of the characters.
    1. Why is Serena so mad about Blair and Dan being friends/ She banged Nate on a bar while he was dating Blair and then dated him fro several months.
    2. Why is Chuck so depressed? He didn’t kill Raina’s mother and has no proof that his father did and if he would simply get his act together he could win Blair back.
    3. How far the writers going to push us Chair fans. I accepted the selling Blair for the hotel thing but ruining her night, throwing her against the couch and punching a glass wall was too much. Redemm Chuck Bass now.
    4. How is Chuck the bad guy in the whole Raina’s mama drama he did nothing wrong. Nate not defending him to Raina is ridiculous.
    5. I could not care less about Charlie, Vanessa and Dan. Boring.

    • Julia

      Good point about Serena/Nate/Blair! And I have always liked Chuck, I hate the direction the show is taking his character. I agree, Redeem Chuck now!

    • miu.miu

      Nate was not that special… boring character… and that incident was like season 1 only…

  • liv

    nate did tell raina about her mom and that’s why she called jack bass. that story line bores me as well. another nitpicky thing, louis’s mom isn’t the queen, she’s a princess cause monaco doesn’t have kings and queens, only princes and princesses. i don’t know why serena is making such a big deal about blair and dan either when she slept with nate when he was dating blair. i’m tired of chair as well.

    • Didn’t they call her the queen in the episode? I know absolutely nothing about international monarchy, so I believe you that they don’t have queens, I just could have sworn that’s what they said. Or did they just call her Louis’ mother and I assumed?

      • liv

        nope, she was referred to as princess.

  • Nini

    Chuck tried to rape Blair… Consider his history with Jenny and Serena in S1, I’d think Chuck needs a doctor, not Blair.

    Geez, they just can’t let Blair be happy for even one second.

    And why would the “Queen” or “Princess” even listen to Serena, aka the less financially savvy version of Paris Hilton? If she were to diss Blair, doesn’t she remember her mother is an American movie star?

  • FallonLatrece

    I’ve been waiting all day for this recap, so Thank You Amanda because i missed GG last night. I don’t get the motives behind Serena because like everyone else said, she slept with Nate. I’m all for Dair at this point because I don’t know how they could ever redeem Chuck after trying to force himself on someone, Again!

  • liv

    spoiler alert:

    the season finale is suppose to end on a good note because they didn’t want a depressing one like last season.

  • Jon

    Great recap!

    I’m bummed I missed the live tweets. It would have been like watching an MST3k version of GG!

    I must say I was a bit surprised by the violent streak in Chuck. He usually keeps it together and just relies verbal assaults.

    Not sure what’s up with Charlie? I don’t trust her. I’ve had this opinion since the scene where she was secretly trying on Serena’s Louboutins while she was sleeping…that seemed a little creepy and a bit “Single White Female” to me.

    Now she’s making moves on Dan and trying to get in good with Rufus buy serving him Coq au vin at the loft. Doesn’t she know Rufus is a Bolognese man??

    I’m actually wondering how they are going to wrap up this mess with one more episode?

    My wishlist:

    1. Get rid of Louis…he’s pretty annoying.
    2. Resolve Raina’s mother issue or stop spending time on it.
    3. Bring back Georgina for some end of the season shenanigans!

    P.S. I love Blair, but I didn’t care for her hairstyle at the party…just my opinion though.

  • meesh

    I’m so annoyed that Chuck did that. He’d built himself up to be my favourite character and now…he’s just disgusting.

    BUT, OH MY I loved the yellow diamond…it gave me goosebumps :) I’ve had a Tiffany Yellow Diamond on my Ultimate Wish List for as long as I can remember…

  • Coach Small Bags

    I’m actually wondering how they are going to wrap up this mess with one more episode?

  • boredgirl

    i don’t even watch gossip girl anymore, but your recaps are so entertaining that i keep reading :) so thanks for posting!

  • purplestar

    thanks for the recap amanda! regarding louis’ mom, i think she was called princess because his parents don’t actually rule monaco rather his uncle. i think it was mentioned by blair somewhere that louis’ uncle doesn’t have any children so he is set to inherit the throne if he finds a suitable bride, hence the pressure from his mother. just wanted to share :) can’t wait for the last 2 episodes!

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