Is it bad that on last night’s Gossip Girl, I found the TI cover song that was playing during the much-hyped threesome more entertaining than the threesome itself? I mean, seriously, who know that “Whatever You Like” was so downright melodious?
If the Gossip Girl writers were going to promote a dirty, nasty, parent-horrifying threesome as the point of this entire episode, it needed to be a lot more than a fairly minor point at the end of the episode’s B plot. Who knew that Jenny was going to cotillion? And who knew that girls going to cotillion don’t wear white anymore? I mean…there used to be a white dress involved in that or something, right? Did I make that up? I might have made that up.
And I’d also ask who would have thought that Serena would come even closer to being involved with a married man, but, well, I think we all saw that one coming.
So it’s Jenny’s turn to make her high society debut, which seems to be a thing with the show’s head honcho, Josh Schwartz. He also helmed The OC, which also had a debutante episode, if I remember correctly. And I think I would remember correctly, since we used to watch the DVDs of that show’s first season for hours on end in my freshman dorm (in fact, I recall that my freshman roommate managed to watch my entire box set, which consisted of 27 45-minute episodes, in the span of a single weekend one time). In fact, some quick Wikipedia-ing confirms my suspicion: The OC also had an episode predicated almost entirely on cotillion date shenanigans. Running out of ideas there, Schwartzy?
It certainly seemed like it at times last night. Jenny’s entire focus is on who will escort her for her debut, because naturally, women aren’t anything without a man to give them context and social validation, right? Right. Or at least that’s how it is in high school, which is just basically one big cotillion, all the time, without the ballroom dancing. Instead, there’s dry humping in your parents’ basement while you drink wine coolers and watch Cinemax After Dark, which, truth be told, might still sound like more fun than actual cotillion. As long as the wine coolers are strawberry.
Anyway, Jenny’s date. She doesn’t have one. She wants to go with some kid named Graham from some other school, but she can’t figure out how to get in touch with him, to which I say SHENANIGANS. Not only did the gloriously awful NYC Prep teach us that all the prep school kids in New York City know each other, but I firmly believe that they’d be Facebook friends, and if not, she’d most likely still be able to send him a message on there. The ins and outs of Facebook: I know them. And so would she.
She momentarily lets Eric convince her to take Jonathan as her escort, but your life has got to be a bit pathetic if the only person you can find to be seen with you in public is your gay stepbrother’s boyfriend. And since now she has to be the queen of the Upper East Side, not just Constance Billard, that will never do. Somehow (I can’t remember how, nor does it matter), Jenny realized that Eric had sabotaged Graham’s attempts to get in contact with her via that homely girl (and by homely, I mean that she actually looks like a high schooler), and she promptly makes it right. Graham shall escort her to the ball in the magic pumpkin coach!
Except he won’t, because Jenny pissed off Blair by brutally rebuffing her at some pointless dinner party thingy at which Serena had also told her that only high schoolers still think she’s important, which is harsh, but also a fact. As we all know, hell hath no fury like Blair scorned, so she found that same homely girl from before, made gaytente with Eric to blackmail Graham with gay Camp Suisse secrets into ditching Jenny mid-cotillion for said homely girl, and decided that homely was the new black and that she would be queen! Lots of machinations for one party, right? I hope that chick stays around, though. I like her moxie.
But Blair’s plot only worked to a certain point – yes, there was the initial humiliation of not having an escort, but then Nate inexplicably showed up and they stopped the whole shindig for Jenny to walk down the stairs with him – better late than never. Everyone ooo’d and ahh’d that she debuted with a college guy, and Nate is a very pretty girl, so Jenny was queen again. Blair even congratulated her, right after Chuck locked her in an elevator with Serena so that they could kiss and make up. They also discussed Serena’s new job at Tripp’s congressional office, and his apparent “fondness” for her, and she agreed to quit, but then she didn’t actually do it. Serena? She’s easily lead.
So now that we’ve dispatched with that story line, what of this threesome foofaraw? Well, the participants were Dan, Olivia and Vanessa, to which I say: eww. And I also say: duh. Vanessa is a dirty hippie, so of course she would be DTF, Olivia is a young starlet and I think we’ve all learned a thing or two about them from one Miss Lindsay Lohan, and Dan is just a dopey college guy that got stupid lucky, and those are the only guys besides porn stars that ever manage to have threesomes anyway. It’s never the ones you’d expect.
All of this happens because Olivia might have to film Twilight 4: Back for More or whatever, so she has to leave NYU after midterms and wants to have the quintessential college experience before she goes. At my college, part of that was eventually getting clipped by a campus bus (which were driven by student workers, to add to their reign of terror at UGA) and getting your picture taken with Jazzy Jay the Rapping Homeless Man downtown, but they chose to go for the more stereotypical (read: not funny) things about college and take her to a keg party. Which begs the question: how did she get to midterms without going to a keg party? I don’t think I made it to orientation without going to a keg party…
They talked about some other, interesting-sounding college traditions, but it was only the obvious ones that we got to see, including a fairly tame girl-on-girl, pre-threesome kiss between Olivia and Vanessa. I guess Hilary thinks that something “edgy” like this will help her find a more mature audience, but mostly it just seems like the shock factor of girls kissing has worn off. Particularly in a show that’s only watched by girls and gays, amirite?
And that was really all we got to see, except for the three cuddled warm and safe in a bed afterward, and Olivia’s phone blazing the message that she wouldn’t be making the movie after all. So now, we get to see the awkward post-group-sex social dynamics start to take hold, and the fact that Vanessa is probs still in love with Dan becomes a plot point. Whoopee…a Vanessa plot point…