WTF, you guys. What was that? Last night’s episode of Gossip Girl was a mess. Tore up from the floor up, if you will. I know I didn’t recap last week, but I watched last week’s episode a second time before the new episode just to make sure that I was 100% certain of what was going on, and still. Clueless.
I know that Gossip Girl‘s writers have to mess everything up so that they can resolve things in the season finale in two weeks, but last night’s show was particularly insane, even by its normal standards. But that doesn’t mean I disliked it. No, no, quite the opposite, in fact. So let’s see if we can sort some stuff out, shall we? (Warning: We probably will not sort all of it out, I’m too confused.)
We rejoined our Upper East Siders this week amid a frenzy of new…stuff. Blair had received a pair of perfect Vivier heels from that French prince we met earlier in the season, and Lily, confined to her penthouse with a Lindsay Lohan Limited Edition Ankle Bracelet, had discovered the world of online shopping. I wonder if she browses herself, or if she has an assistant do it for her? And while we’re talking about Lily: Of course she’s not in jail. Come on, we all knew Lily wouldn’t do any time. Her lawyers are better than that. She could have killed a baby in the Park Avenue median and still been sentenced to house arrest.
The more interesting storyline in all of that, of course, is Blair’s prince. Side note: Do the French have royalty anymore? Did the French royals not have their heads chopped off a while back? Or was that limited to Marie Antoinette and the other uppity ladies of the aristocracy? It’s been a long time since I took a history class, so my memory is admittedly fuzzy. Anyway, he was in town secretly to see Blair, and one of his royal handlers had impersonated a magazine editor and hired Dan to tail him around town and find out what he was doing. So Prince Louis is like that governor from South Carolina who secretly flew to Argentina to meet his lover? Except more romantic, because the governor was married? Ripped from the headlines, you guys.
Also ripped from the headlines is the reason that Prince Louis had to sneak off to see Blair: She’s a commoner! He’s a prince! They’re meant to be together! Nice royal wedding tie-in, Gossip Girl. Except that Blair is having the same problem – she and Dan are still a little bit curious about each other, but he’s…he’s…from Brooklyn. That’s still a problem, just like it was when Serena started sniffing around Dan back in ’08. Don’t worry, though, we’re going to mostly wrap that up later.
Anyway, remember when Vanessa made a mysterious phone call at the end of the last episode to inform someone of Blair and Dan’s indiscretion? And I sort of assumed that it was to Chuck? Well, the call was to Serena, who unsuccessfully tried to convince herself that Vanessa was lying. For further reassurance, Serena sent her possibly crazy cousin out to tail Dan, who was tailing the prince who was going on a date with Blair, which made the lackey cousin assume that Blair was on the date with Dan when they both descended on the same East Village pierogi restaurant. When Serena showed up to bust the whole thing wide open (before the food had even arrived, because the Upper East Side and the East Village are so close together), she found that Dan had already been kicked out by Blair and the prince had arrived for his secret date.
The sketchy cousin got very upset when Serena told her that she had been mistaken, despite the fact that Serena was very nice and reassuring about the whole thing, and that was for one of two reasons: She wants to do a good job of Serena’s dirty work so that Serena will accept her, or she wants Dan to piss off Serena so that she can have him to herself. I think it’s mostly the first, but perhaps a little bit of the second as well. The vibe from creepy cousin about Dan is, well, significant.
At Lily’s Penthouse of Incarceration, there was some sort of drama about a party. Nate’s mom was involved, but it took me most of the episode to remember who she was, so I spent the majority of the discussion confused about why her character had yet to be introduced and explained. It was the Pink Party, which has something to do with a cancer charity, and it would be moved to Blaine Trump’s house because Lily’s reputation had suddenly become far too scandalous to allow her to hold a cocktail party. Right.
Speaking of families, I suppose we have to address the issue of Raina’s mom because the writers keep trying to make that storyline happen. It’s not happening for me because she show hasn’t bothered to develop Raina as a character, which means I don’t have any reason to care about her, and she’s also allied herself with the least interesting character in the entire show: Nate. I have a feeling we won’t be seeing her next season if this is all the show is giving her to do.
Now that Chuck thinks that his dad burned Raina’s mom alive and Raina’s inconveniently decided that she wants to look for her mom, Chuck tracked down a New Jersey diner waitress that matches mom’s name, age and description. They all got on the turnpike and headed out to confront her at the diner, but it wasn’t her, which means that Chuck isn’t off the hook for Raina’s mom’s death. Wait, never mind, he didn’t kill her in the first place, so he was never on the hook. I can’t manage to care about a murder that a dead character may have committed years ago, or how it affects the life of a character who hasn’t been around long enough to seem like a real person with emotions. Anyway, I assume we’ll have this wrapped up in the next few episodes as Chuck digs deeper into his dad’s various crimes of moral (and legal) turpitude.
As far as I can remember (and remembering is tough since this episode was so oddly scattered), that’s all the background that we need before we get to the Pink Party, which had been moved back to Lily’s apartment after some strings had been pulled and Nate’s mom had been sufficiently annoyed. Because Blair and Dan had previously met up to talk about their respective difficulties with the prince and decided to scheme together to work things out, Blair hauled him to the party as a decoy and they both met up with Louis, who was being watched by his French handlers.
The whole situation was also being watched by the ever-suspicious Serena, or more accurately, her creepy, spying cousin, who took to all of this surveillance activity just a little too quickly for this to have been her first time. Did she have some sort of stalker issue back at college? Was that what her mom hinted at last week? Quite possibly. Either that or she tried to kill herself. Maybe she tried to kill herself and some guy who wasn’t interested in her? I mean, don’t we all have that cousin?
Anyway, in some back room at this party, Blair and Dan made out in order to throw Louis’ people off his trail, but also because they were both still a little confused about the kiss from a few weeks back and maybe wanted to try it again just to be sure. The problem with that, of course, was that creepy cousin was lurking with her cell phone and she used her newfound powers to send the video to Gossip Girl, who promptly sent it out to everyone at the party. That included Serena, who threw a fit, despite the fact that I can’t remember the last time that she and Dan were a serious item.
It was the same fit that we’ve seen thrown before, and then Blair responded with one of her own – Serena only cares about herself! She’s always the one in the spotlight! Blair wants her moment in the spotlight! Wah! Wah! After having it out over Dan (who neither of them seemed to actually want to date) and their own insecurities, Blair suddenly remembered that she had a real, live prince waiting for her and set out into the night with him to make their public debut as a couple in front of a gaggle of paparazzi. I’m assuming that somewhere, Chuck seethed. But I don’t remember. It just seems like the sort of thing that should have happened.
And then…some other stuff happened. The cousin was invited to stay the night in Brooklyn, Dan told Vanessa once and for all that they’re no longer friends even though I’m sure that’ll be up for discussion next season, if not next week, and most enjoyably, Lily made her triumphant leap from the top of the social ladder. At the party, Nate’s uptight, frigid mother walked up to her, in her own home, and told her how much she was enjoying her fall from grace, just as everyone else in the room was, and Lily finally did something that acknowledged the punk rock roots we’ve heard so much about: She got in her own personal elevator and left, ankle monitor and all. And it was resplendent.
When the cops came to answer the bracelet’s silent alarm, Lily was waiting in the lobby of her building, where she sweet-talked them out of arresting her for violating the conditions of her house arrest. Before they even seemed to know what was going on, Lily had the cops upstairs, throwing all of the society matrons in their pink cocktail dresses out of her apartment, just because she can. Nate’s mom looked as though she might have a stroke and told Lily that would be the last party she ever had, but Lily’s rich, and don’t you forget it. When you have that kind of money, your influence doesn’t disappear because of a temporary stint with an ankle monitor. Martha Stewart is richer than ever, and she did actual jail time. The bitch is back. At least for two more episodes.