Despite Mother Nature’s best attempt to wash me away in a great flood yesterday (seriously, if you see a girl with a bathrobe and a laptop being swept away on the news, that’s me, SEND HELP), I have survived the torrential rains in this part of the country to bring you a comprehensive review of last night’s Gossip Girl shenanigans.
And what would a Biblical plague in real life be without one to match it on the Upper East Side: Georgina is BA-ACK! And she’s 100% less Jesus-y than she was last season, but we all knew that that was just a clever ruse, didn’t we?
But actually, we’re no longer on the Upper East Side at all – the show has gone downtown to follow our gaggle to college at (mostly) NYU. And as anyone who’s been to college knows, the first few days are bewildering enough to give anyone the look that Chace Crawford gets when the show’s plot gets too complicated for him.
So really, the only surprising thing about the whole college “move” is that Blair Waldorf would deign to dwell below 14th Street. In a dorm. I have no idea why she wouldn’t have Mama Waldorf rent her an adorable apartment in a fashionable area of town that’s closer to campus than the UES manse, but that may be on the horizon for her shortly since Georgina’s clever (well, not that clever. It was pretty straightforward) plan to become her roommate has succeeded.
I’m happy to see Georgie again, not only because I love her wardrobe best of all, but also because she’s the only girl that can give Blair any kind of run for her money in the manipulation and trickery department. And what’s a heroine without her evil foil? Nothing at all. Blair has tried all of her old tricks – intimidation, parties, gift bags – to win followers and minions at college and none of it seemed to work, but Georgina was able to fit right in by identifying Vanessa as Queen of the Hipsters and latching on to her.
We all know that Vanessa is not very quick on the uptake when it comes to manipulative hangers-on (example: Dan’s secret half brother using her to get to the Humphreys. Also, the actor that plays him? The most expressive part of that kid’s body is his Adam’s apple. It was staring at me for the whole episode), so Georgie and V are all of a sudden throwing documentary-viewing parties together, complete with free pizza, in order undermine Blair’s catered sushi party down the hall.
Speaking of which, I have a bone to pick with the authenticity of that moment. I’ve been a college freshman in the past half decade, and from what I understand about the hipster-y student population of NYU (and the similar hipsters that populate an enormous part of the college town I live in), sushi and booze would ALWAYS win over pizza in a dorm room, no matter who was providing the sushi. I would sit through a cult indoctrination if free sushi and booze were promised at the end. On the other hand, free pizza is just about the easiest thing to find in a college dorm, other than a particular, somewhat innocuous illegal drug that may or may not just make you look harder for free pizza. At any rate, at my college, they’d give you free pizza just for going to one of the safe sex seminars put on by the health center in the dorm’s basement, plus they’d also give you free condoms. So, you know. Win/win.
But apparently it’s a particularly geeky sort of hipster that they want us to believe matriculates at the NYU of Gossip Girl Land. Because at the next party, a rooftop soiree complete with Solo cups full of crap beer (accurate, that), it was just a bunch if nerds that Georgina invited, standing around, talking about…I’m not even sure.
And I found myself wondering why Blair even wanted to fit in with this group – she has tons of friends in New York, right? It’s not like she moved to a different country, she just moved downtown. If she has a fleet of Town Cars at her disposal, why does it even matter where she has to attend class a few times a day? And why is she living in the dorms? I know I already asked that question, but it begs repeating.
Because Blair is Blair, however, she couldn’t just leave these folks to their meager college socializing. She had to do something terrible and Blairiffic to show Georgina who’s boss – she called all of G’s friends from Bible Camp to come by and try to convert everyone, on Georgina’s behalf. It wasn’t Blair at her most brilliant, but it was nice to see her up to some of her old tricks. And Dan, in a fit of Personality, got on the microphone, outed Blair’s trick, and convinced everyone to stick around instead of leaving for Blair’s reserved VIP at Monkey Bar. Dejected, Blair sneaked into bed next to Chuck just as Dan (side note: when did his neck get wider than his head?) was waking up on the roof with Georgina. Scandalous.
And Chuck was just as dejected as his ladyfriend. You see, he was trying to turn one of the many barren banks in Manhattan into a restaurant with a secret after-hours club in the downstairs vault, which I think would be kind of cool until some drunken douche bag locked everyone in and then realized he didn’t know how to get them out.
But Serena, drunken, blond, shoeless, and wearing someone else’s suit jacket, stumbled into the leasing meeting for the space and spilled the beans to the guy that had the rights to the building, who didn’t know that there was going to be a secretive, ultra-exclusive club in the basement, and didn’t want that kind of riffraff in his neighborhood. Boo. Riffraff are so fun. And Chuck got mad, and called Serena a trainwreck (which is not inaccurate, since she was hiding out with him because she was supposed to be at college, a place which she had no intention of going, and she doesn’t need a degree anyway, her family is worth billions), and that kind of language just won’t be tolerated.
So what does she do? She calls up Carter Baizen, who is so blindly lustful over her that he can’t even see an obvious Serena Plot in the making (she’s no Blair), and they “accidentally” run into Chuck, having another business meeting about the same property, in a bar that they’re all too young to be in. So Serena and Carter saunter over to his table, start ruining things with hilarious Chuck Bass hooker stories, and Carter finally realizes that he’s just a pawn. But the person manipulating him is really, really hot, so he forgives her later.
And somewhere, in another part of Manhattan, Nate Archibald accidentally locked himself into an apartment with that brunette girl that his family hates, because he’s an imbecile and he doesn’t understand how keys work. And also, neither of them understand how relationships work, because they think that they can figure out all of each others’ bad habits if they spend a full 24 hours in each other’s presence. Obviously, anyone that’s ever been on an ill-advised long weekend trip a little too early in a relationship knows that it takes approximately three days to know exactly why you hate someone. But they didn’t wait three days, so now they’re in love. For at least one or two more episodes.