It wouldn’t be Gossip Girl if everyone wasn’t betraying everyone else, and Monday night’s episode was a full-on fit of hotel-stealing, whore-hiring, pill-popping dirty trickery. There was also a side of future boyfriend-stealing at the end, but that’ll mostly have to wait for next week.

For an hour of television that included all of those things, however, startlingly little actually happened. There was a fashion show with a rogue model (been there, done that), an embarrassing run in with a prostitute (that too), an accidentally wasted blond with a lot of fake hair (also that, but this time it wasn’t Serena). Jenny went back to work with Eleanor Waldorf, that annoying model chick came back, and Chuck and Blair are going to have to start scheming again (I’m ok with that part). Gossip Girl was back to its old tricks, and when I say that, I really mean old: I feel like we had seen half of this episode already.

Let’s begin with the issue of Little Jenny Humphrey and the fashion show. Eleanor Waldorf is looking to launch a diffusion line with a Salt Lake City-based department store, and Rufus somehow manages to wedge Jenny back into the operation, despite the fact that Jenny ran away from home the last time that she insinuated herself into the fashion crowd. Rufus apparently doesn’t remember that, and now that he has married in to money, Eleanor Waldorf takes his calls and does favors for him, like giving his delinquent daughter a temporary job.

Similarly, that terrible model Agnes that barely anyone even remembers is back and pretending to be sober, so Eleanor casts her in the show that she’s putting together to impress the head of Cronwell’s department store and Jenny apologizes for what she did to her last season (I can’t even remember what it was. I really didn’t foresee the show wanting to revisit that plot line, it wasn’t even good the first time around) while fitting her for a dress. Agnes pretends to make nice when she finds out that Jenny knows a dealer, and she cons Jenny in to bringing the remaining drugs to the show to pull a prank on Damian, who’s trying to get them back post-breakup.

Pardon me, for a moment, while we talk about how preposterous all of this is. Agnes has been out of the game for a year, she’s too old and girl-next-door beautiful to be hired as a model for a runway show. The fashion industry likes odd-looking Eastern European teenagers, and if you don’t like it, take it up with Miuccia Prada. Second of all, no one would care if she was sober. They likely wouldn’t care if she was actually drunk and/or high during the fitting, as long as she stood still, fit into the samples and didn’t puke on anyone.

The fashion industry does not care about the health or well-being of models, unless one happens to be the face of multiple brands and and is subsequently photographed taking illegal drugs (and even then, Kate Moss still gets more work that almost anyone). Eleanor Waldorf would not be on a one-woman crusade against junkie models, I think her character on the show has made that clear already.

Speaking of things that Eleanor wouldn’t actually do: while all of the Jenny/Agnes drama is going on in the background, Eleanor is talking to Blair about who should attend the show, and she asserts that the normal crowd of snobs just won’t cut it – the CEO of Cronwell’s wants to see regular girls there! College students, even!

I’ve got to call shenanigans on this part, too. The whole point of doing a cheap diffusion line is to give people in Middle America that shop at low-end department stores the feeling that they’re buying a little bit of big-city snobbery at a reasonable price. Having a bunch of socialites and fashion people show up to see the cheap clothes is exactly what the CEO of a JC Penney-esque store would want because it helps drum up media interest in the line and lends credibility to the clothes. That is how you get people to line up in anticipation on the day that the collection debuts in stores. Take a lesson from Target.

Anyway, because Blair doesn’t have any friends, she hires Brandeis (remember her?) and 30 of her closest prostitute friends to act like fresh-faced NYU freshman at the fashion show. However, a problem arises because Middle American CEOs from conservative states love prostitutes. And not just the heterosexual variety! Blair really should have seen this coming, but the Cronwell’s CEO sees a rentboy that he always “parties” with at the show and gets all huffy and holier-than-thou about the inclusion of prostitutes in the audience, and Brandeis tips off Blair as to which prostitute he might be famililar – surprise, it’s a dude!

Obviously, Blair uses this information to blackmail the CEO into buying her mother’s line, but then he gets all indignant about not wanting to use Eleanor Waldorf’s name on the clothes. Again, shenanigans! It’s the high-end designer’s name that creates the excitement over the cheap clothes; if they don’t put her name on it, then it’s just another nameless house brand that no one cares about. Not to mention that they wouldn’t have had a fashion show until the deal was already signed anyway; the entire thing was utterly groan-worthy, except for the CEO being a secret lover of The Gays.

What went on backstage was slightly more interesting (but only slightly). Agnes the Bad Model gets a friend of hers to plunk a few pills into Jenny’s post-show celebratory champaign, and since Jenny looks like she weighs approximately 86 lbs (and four or five of those pounds are yellow hair extensions), she’s stumbling and slurring in no time.

They throw her into a taxi and take her to a club to try to find a guy to date-rape her, and sure enough, they find several that are willing. Nate sees her leave the show, however, and uses the powers of uber-creepy social networking tool Foursquare to find her and save the day just as she is about to be dragged home with some douchey-looking finance guy. Afterward, Jenny suddenly remembers that she used to have a crush on Nate, and she begins plotting malignantly to break up his relationship with Serena.

On to things that we care about even less: wasn’t it Chris Rock that said that all there is to a relationship is finding someone with which you enjoy eating and having sex? That’s apparently all that Dan and Vanessa are doing together, and they like it just fine until Serena makes Vanessa feel like a prude in a relationship rut. Nevermind that it’s impossible to be in a rut after two weeks (and thankfully, Dan mentioned this point) – Serena undermines Vanessa into a full-on panic that causes her to dress up as Grace Kelly from Rear Window and serve Dan some kind of elaborate, ill-conceived dinner.

Dan doesn’t like the dinner and Rufus interrupts and stays for flan, making the whole thing awkward to watch, not to mention unentertaining. I don’t care what Dan and Vanessa do on their own, and when they’re together? Even less so. This relationship strife was so obviously manufactured that I wish that they had been left out of the episode entirely. In fact, I’d trade the both of them to get Eric back. Where did he even go?

Now, finally, to the real story. Chuck is sitting around his penthouse, daintily sipping espresso when the hotel’s security staff comes to oust him from his apartment for good. Elizabeth comes marching in soon afterward, expressing her regrets, and then Uncle Jack and his terrible hairpiece show up to rub a little salt in the wound. Chuck storms out and meets with his mother several times (once outside of a commandeered SUV, once down by the waterfront, once at night in a place that I can’t remember.) She claims to love Jack and to not be Chuck’s mother after all – the first part is pathetic and the second part is a lie, but Chuck believes her because, hey, it sounds like the truth, given the circumstances.

I’m not entirely sure that I’m clear on all the machinations that went in to the hotel heist, but Elizabeth tries her best to make her face move and claims that she didn’t do it for money. She appears to mean it because she apparently asked Jack to pick her or the hotel and he picked the hotel, which she then signs over to him and then buys a plane ticket to Switzerland. He tries to pay her off to get her to stay, presumably to further Chuck’s torture and force him to make his pained catfish face some more, but she takes what little of a high road she has left, refuses the money and leaves town.

Blair and Chuck vow to give Jack a war (side note – why is the guy that plays Jack such a bad actor on this show? He’s great as Quinn on Dexter. Is the dialog really that bad on Gossip Girl?), which is absolutely what I’ve been waiting to hear. The duo had lost some of their malignant spark, and I’m anxious to see them take someone down. Unfortunately, it appears that Blair is going to try to do that by secretly sleeping with Jack, and that’s such a terrible plan that I’m having a hard time even conceptualizing what would make her think that it’s a good idea.

Chuck complained that a lawsuit to get the hotel back would take months, but I don’t think that that’s a compelling reason to try to get it back in other ways. What’s a few months of corporate litigation in Chuck’s world? He can work on other business ventures in the meantime, and I can’t imagine that the papers Chuck signed would hold up in court since his lawyer was one of the people that was in on the swindle. Come on, Chuck and Blair. You guys are smarter than this.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Alia Bustamante

    Loved your recap. But i am the only one who thinks they are killing Blair with those wardrobe choices? I get, she’s more mature bla bla bla but seriously people she dresses like a granny (mostly yesterday with that hat, hated it). I miss her old style!! It’s like they’re saving the best for Serena! At least next episode she’ll be wearing an amazing M. Williamson’s gown!!! But it would be torn by Chuck!! Have you seen Blairs Mannequin at the M. W store? and the quote in the window? “what did you do Chuck” (something like that). Im counting the days to see if he sells B to Jack or if it was B’s idea.
    Either way, please please please stop dressing Blair like that! Even her mom dresses way better! just my opinion!
    xoxo

  • Alia Bustamante

    Loved your recap. But i am the only one who thinks they are killing Blair with those wardrobe choices? I get, she’s more mature bla bla bla but seriously people she dresses like a granny (mostly yesterday with that hat, hated it). I miss her old style!! It’s like they’re saving the best for Serena! At least next episode she’ll be wearing an amazing M. Williamson’s gown!!! But it would be torn by Chuck!! Have you seen Blair’s Mannequin at the M. W store? and the quote in the window? “what did you do Chuck” (something like that). I’m counting the days to see if he sells B to Jack or if it was B’s idea.
    Either way, please please please stop dressing Blair like that! Even her mom dresses way better! just my opinion!
    xoxo (fb)

  • Sofia Nolan

    I love Gossip Girl and their intrigues. This isn`t my favourite tv show though, and I don`t have time to watch all of them, considering the fact that I have two beautiful children, a blog to write and a big passion for handbags :)

  • justa9url

    I love how Blair made a remark on how to wear your headband at the end of the episode. That was too LOL. =) But that also means I’ve been doing it wrong… =( (fb)

  • Emily

    OKay – I never watch this, but your recap makes me want too (fb) !

  • An4

    well, now we know – manatees are the writers of GG as well…

  • MaryJane

    This was a boring episode. I wish Jenny would lighten up a little. And I’m with you on the Vanessa/Dan thing. Please take them off the show! (fb)

  • Paulina

    Dan and Vanessa seriously just need to gtfo. (fb)

  • erin

    i hate that this entire review is a complaint! but i was thinking about the whole blair and jack thing, and i really do think that it’s going to be the thing that breaks chuck and blair up. god have mercy. there will be tears! i’ve been rooting for c&b since the very beginning!

    • Well, that’s the thing with reviews – if the thing you’re reviewing is bad, there’s going to be a lot of complaining about what made it bad. This episode was terrible, the writers can do much better.

  • lily

    what was blair wearing? odd. (fb)

  • DEHausfrau

    Whenever I see Agnes, all I can think of is “Hey, that’s the girl from the new 90210”
    (fb)

    • Amy

      I remember her from the O.C.! (fb)

  • Rosanna

    I used to love GG, but I feel like the fashion in the show has gone downhill this season. I don’t like Blair’s outfits at all. (fb)

  • tadpolenyc

    gg is not the show it once was, but i’m going to stick it out. i’ve come this far. i hate that little biznatch jenny. i hope her manipulations fail, and ends up blind from eyeliner poisoning by the season finale. what you said about dan and vanessa can’t be more true. barely anyway cares about them. the writers must know this, so why are they still forcing them on us three years later? give it up already.

  • Kendra

    I suppose she’s right about that. (fb)

  • amaya

    this review is so much more entertaining than the episode itself- i love it. you’re right about the superfunky technology they use, for a moment i thought i was watching 24.
    i also felt like i was travelling ahead in time with how quicky little j sobered up by the time she was home and in front of her dad, didn’t quite get that. as for dan and vanessa, they can be on the show, but be on par with the rest of the drama on the show. or let them stay put on campus and use their airtime for something else.
    thanks the mid-week laughs!

  • ad

    it doesn’t feel right with dan and vanessa. dang, it doesn’t even feels right in the book. and why the heck are they doing it in the series??? seriously, make them break up already. i need to see dan with someone else please…
    same goes with nate and serena. it nauseating! (fb)

  • Deb

    I love Gossip Girl purely for the lovely clothes and accessories and the beautiful people. (fb)

  • Kristen

    What made GG watchable in the first two seasons is that these wacky bunch of kids were doing relatively typical high school things – stealing people’s boyfriends, having loads of cat fights, dressing all fun and crazy, hemming & hawing over what they might really want, etc. etc.

    What’s the point of having these people in college if none of them do anything at all of what college students do? Do they ever go to classes? Have to worry about grades? Talk to other people who are also in college? I get why Serena is all flighty and not terribly academic oriented, but what about Dan, that girl he’s dating, Blair, and Nate?? They were all “I need perfect grades” in high school, but now they don’t ever attend classes?

    These newest episodes are so bad because this group of 18 year olds would not be doing anything that the show is having them do.

  • Amy

    The show this week was almost scary. Yes, I did watch it in a dark room, but…who wants to think that a girl with whom you’ve had a falling out would actually try to get you raped!? Seriously, too much. And Chuck’s big plan for getting the hotel back was telling Mommy, “Give me my hotel back”? Um, that doesn’t sound like Chuck. The writers can definitely do better. And there weren’t enough neat purses this time. Normally I like to keep my eyes wide the entire show, checking out the moving magazine aspect of it, but I just didn’t get that this time, not as much as I like. (fb)

  • Maria

    Gossip Girl is just ticking me off now…the only people I like are Chuck & Blair…well, and Nate and his hot man-bangs, hee hee! But I’m just tired of the same old stories over and over…doesn’t mean I’ll stop watching it though.. (fb)

  • Marlen

    Hello there, Happy Fool’s Day!!

    Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can’t remember anything!
    Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
    Patient: What problem?

    Happy April Fool’s Day!

  • Dori

    I’m in love with GG since the first season and even madly in love with it more now. I don’t understand why people said the first two seasons, especially the first one was the best one. Each season has its own concept and I truly admire this show, from the plot, the cast to fashion and trend. (fb)

  • christine

    next episode seems like it’s going to a much better eppy (fingers crossed).
    The one thing I really really really don’t like about the story line currently is dan and vanessa. is anyone else creeped out by this? i just can’t grasp them two together. (fb)

  • Kate

    yeah this episode blew (fb)

  • Elizabeth

    Wow, I did not realize Jack Bass and Quin from Dexter were the same actor!
    The gossip girl writing must be terrible. (fb)

  • Elyse

    always adore your recaps! I feel as if the season keeps getting better and better (fb)

  • Kimberly

    Shenanigans was the best word to describe this episode! Every part of it was so unbelievably stupid – Jenny hasn’t seen Agnes in over a year, and the last time she saw her, Agnes lit her designs on fire. So Jenny thinks it’s a good idea to tell her about the whole drug thing with Damian and then plot against him with Agnes? And then trust Agnes to watch her purse? Can anyone really be that dumb? And when Nate pulled out his cellphone to do his Foursquare thing I almost died laughing. Seriously?!?! And I must say I was really, really, really hoping that Elizabeth isn’t Chuck’s mom because it made me hopeful for two seconds we would never have to see her again. Ugh! I hope the next episode is better.

  • styleezta

    i still like gg for its fashion but the story lines are getting a bit novela like…she’s your mother no nevermind she’s not oh no really she is!! jeeez

    (fb)

  • Eric

    i love this show so much,-(fb)

  • Eric

    love this show, watched it, cry with it, party with it, toched my life-(fb)

  • Jocelyn

    :D Entry for Linea Pelle bag (fb)

  • Joy

    that would be nice to have ;P (fb)

  • Tiff Chao

    I indulge myself once a week for this sinful show. (fb)

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