I’m not even sure what to write in my little Gossip Girl introductions anymore, since basically the same thing happens every week. Serena must choose between two or more men. Chuck and Blair teeter on the edge of hate and love. Vanessa reemerges from the commune and is swiftly sent straight back when she remembers that no one likes her. Juliet schemes and it doesn’t quite work out. Somewhere in upstate, Jenny applies more eyeliner. Nate tries out new hairsprays.

All of that happened last night in one form or another, but this time, they all wore ball gowns and tuxedos instead of cocktail dresses and…whatever the guys wear during those scenes. It’s possible that I’ve never noticed. Probable, in fact. Anyway, on with the show.

Serena opened the episode by waltzing in on sleep-masked Blair to complain about her pretty, silly problems with Colin. You see, she wants to go to the ballet with him and be photographed with him and gaze upon his cheekbones but life is just so not fair and she has to wait a whole month before she can do that stuff and her life is just really hard except the part where she’s an Amazonian, perfectly-plastic-surgeried, beweaved blonde heiress who is wiling away a couple of years at an Ivy League school before inevitably becoming a member of the shopping, cocktailing idle rich but why does life have to be so challenging?

*sharp intake of breath*

Serena had barely left and I barely gotten halfway through my weekly epic Serena eye-roll before Chuck popped out from under Blair’s covers face-first and made me shriek. He got me. I totally LOL’d. Apparently the hatesex didn’t stop at last week’s pianotop, Robyn-soundtracked romp, and it still shows no signs of abiding. Throughout last night’s episode, Chuck and Blair also banged in a brownstone vestibule and the backseat of a limo (Leighton’s post-coital limo sex face was almost creepy in its utter perfection, give the girl her Emmy already), which lead Blair to declare an end to all hot Chuck-sexing activities so that they could transition to being friends.

Naturally, that ended up with Blair hiding out in her bathroom, eating macarons by the boxful and ignoring dozens of Chuck’s calls while he tried to take advantage of his 24-hour grace period. Only Blair could look so perfect while stuffing her face in a warm bubble bath. I’d be sweaty from the steam, my hair would be frizzy and I’d probably have cookie filling all over my face. (Sex-avoidance leads to ravenous eating, natch.)

While all of this interesting, sexy, intriguing stuff was going on between Chuck and Blair, some far less intriguing things were going on between Colin and Serena. They took an “accidental” taxi ride together to Columbia, which only made me continue to wonder why neither of them seems to employ a car and driver, although it was probably meant to make me think about their relationship subplot. As it turns out, I don’t actually care about their subplot since the writers never took any time to develop it, but they agreed to go away for the weekend to have some get-to-know-you time away from the prying eyes of New York.

That would have all been fine and good had Serena not blabbed about the whole thing to Dan. Being totally biased and kind of still in love with Serena, he told her that the Lusty Professor should have quit his teaching gig immediately upon having any feelings in his boyparts for her since she is worth far more than a guest lecturer fee. Despite the fact that quitting a job is more or less the polar opposite of a reasonable reaction to having a crush on a student, it doesn’t take much to get an idea lodged in Serena’s brain. It’s not like there’s much else in there to push it out. Cue the patented Serena Sadface, which is actually half sad and half confused.

While Serena was plotting who else to take to the ballet to make Colin jealous (hint: it was Dan), Nate and Vanessa were doing some plotting of their own that, for once in their lives, didn’t involve hair products or bad weaves. Their scheme involved finding Juliet’s real identity, which actually sort of worked since Juliet is about as bright as either of them. Once Nate dropped by her ‘apartment’ to give her back some stuff she left at his place and found out that she didn’t actually live there, oh man, it was so on.

I don’t really remember where Nate found Vanessa or why she came back from the commune, but while Nate lured Juliet out to coffee, Vanessa snuck up to Harlem to investigate her apartment and find out about her real identity. As it turns out, all Nate had to do was ask – when confronted by Sir Manbangs, she confessed to being a person who lives in a crappy apartment, puts together her own Ikea furniture, shops at outlets and dyes her own hair. So, in short, her real identity is…a college student? Were we supposed to feel bad for her? Because I didn’t. She got one of the eye-rolls that are usually reserved for Serena.

Nate texted Vanessa to call off the investigation, but she had already invested a lot of time and FourSquare stalking into breaking into Juliet’s apartment, so she decided to sneak around anyway, just for good measure. When she did, she found those creepy pictures that Juliet had taken of Colin and Serena last week using her extra spiffy magic fancy spy cam, and even when Juliet showed up to tell Vanessa that she had changed her ways and wasn’t going to bother Serena anymore (because Colin threatened to cut her off, did I forget to mention that?), Vanessa actually managed to squeeze out the last bit of scheme inside of her and surreptitiously pocket the video card with the images of Serena.

Perhaps I’ve forgotten something. Maybe I simply follow too many shows to keep them all straight. Maybe the Gossip Girl writers have run us in so many circles that I’m dizzy and I don’t know which direction I’m facing. Whatever the reason, I can’t really remember why Vanessa hates Serena so much. Last we saw her, she was getting self-righteous about Juliet’s attempted takedown of The Blonde One, but then Dan banished her from Brooklyn because he thought she was involved. So now she hates…Serena? I missed something, right?

Now that we’ve established the episode’s various conflicts (Vanessa vs. Serena, Dan vs. Colin, Juliette vs. Herself, Chuck and Blair vs. their loins, Nate vs. the frizzies), it was time for the requisite fabulous party. This one wasn’t just fancy, it was formal – you can’t just wear a cocktail dress to the ballet, after all. Serena had chosen to bring Dan to the party after canceling her weekend and/or relationship with Colin, Blair came with Chuck and Juliet and Vanessa both showed up poor and unaccompanied. Or maybe Nate came with Juliet, after hearing her boo-hoo confession about doing her own highlights? I honestly don’t remember, nor does it matter.

Anyway, it was Vanessa’s intention to hunt down the dean (who apparently does nothing but go to parties with students) and show her the pictures from Juliet’s camera. The more I think about this whole dean issue, the less likely the entire plot seems. I think that I saw the dean of my journalism school approximately once, and that was when he came to speak to one of my classes. His first name was Culpepper, but that’s all I remember. As far as the dean of the entire college goes, I have no idea who that would have been, and I certainly never encountered him socially, despite the fact that my college town was certainly smaller and less populous than the island of Manhattan. And even, if by some small twist of fate, I had run into him and someone had tried to sabotage me with pictures of me kissing some non-faculty guest lecturer who had already quit (SPOILER ALERT I didn’t get to that part yet), I doubt he would have cared. Or even bothered to find out who I was. He probably would have assumed I was a cater-waiter and asked me to refill his drink.

But yes, Colin quit. Columbia should probably just kick all the cast members out now or they won’t have any faculty left by the end of the semester, since getting swept into Blair’s or Serena’s social lives causes professors to suddenly flee the campus. That wasn’t the end of the story, though. Serena didn’t find out that Colin had quit until she had already arrived to the ballet with Dan, and seeing her plant a big ol’ sloppy kiss on Colin made Dan feel appropriately emo.

Serena didn’t notice, though, because she was too busy being accused of trading sex for grades via Juliet, who had been talked into hating Serena again by Vanessa after they bonded over being poor (that word doesn’t mean what they think it means) girls in a rich world. They approached the dean together and waved Juliet’s memory card in her face to a rather dubious reaction, and just as they were gaining a bit of attention, Blair came along to claim that it was actually her in the photos and then plunk the card into her glass of champagne. It seemed as though Juliet also had the pictures on her laptop, but the warning that the group gave her outside of the ballet will hopefully encourage her to find another route of attack entirely.

Hopefully Vanessa will be forever exiled in Vermont, making cheese or maple syrup or whatever it is that she does on that commune, but it looks as though Jenny is going to come back to take her place and join forces with Juliet in a classic illustration of the “an enemy of my enemy is my friend” principle. Serena, for her part, went back to only thinking about men. Since it was no longer forbidden to date Colin, she didn’t have any interest in doing it anymore and broke up with him on the car ride home, after which she immediately started scrolling back through her phone to see who she could call to entertain her that night.

Since Dan comes before Nate alphabetically, Serena beckoned him all the way from Brooklyn to rekindle their romance. Too bad that Nate lives on the right island and happened to get there first to confess his love for Serena, and since they were both getting over members of the same family, it seemed as though she would choose him over Dan. I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out. If you care, that is. Which I don’t, but they’ll probably tell me about it anyway.

The only thing I do care about, obviously, is Chuck and Blair and their nascent re-relationship. They got together to look gorgeous and drink champagne at the end of the episode and promise each other that from there on out, they would just be friends, but then the thing happened that we (meaning “me”) were all wishing and hoping would happen: as Chuck got up to leave, he hugged Blair, and that lead to a kiss. A kiss lead to many kisses, and that eventually lead to Chuck picking her up and carrying her upstairs just as we all hoped would one day happen to us when we were tweens, and the 12-year-old inside of me absolutely died. In one fell swoop, Gossip Girl erased all the sins of the last episode and made me excited to find out what will happen in the rest of the season. I can’t even make jokes about Chuck and Blair. I just love them.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • hannah

    LOL your recaps make my day. Nate vs. the frizzies hahah.

    And I completely agree with you about the dean situation, when I was at college I only saw her once, and she was getting into her in her exclusive parking space. They are never at functions worrying about random students’ problems.

    Chuck and Blair should just have their own show because I simply adore them. I died inside as well when he carried her up the staircase!! Kill everyone else off the show or banish them to Brooklyn or something already.

    The only thing I’m wondering — since the dude in jail is apparently Juliet’s brother, why in the heck did I keep getting some sort of romantic/incest vibe from them!? and what is he in their for? Will the writers just completely drop him now?

    Also, when Vanessa and Juliet were yelling it out in Juliet’s apartment, she was deleting the pictures off of her computer and they were gone. Unless she’s brillant enough to know she can go find them in her Recycle Bin of her computer… then it is soo on.

    • I TOTALLY get the incest vibe from them as well. Before their family ties were explained, I think I was referring to jail guy as Juliet’s boyfriend. Something there is…not right.

      And if Juliet knows how to install a spy cam or stream live video from her phone to a television display, I really hope she knows that those pictures are in her recycle bin. But character continuity isn’t one of this show’s strong suits, so she’ll probably forget about the photos entirely.

    • seejayluvsbags

      You said what I also thought, about the incest/relationship. I was actually surprised when Juliette said Ben was her brother. More like confused.

      On a brighter note, I just love Blair & Chuck…they are THE reason why I watch the show. Plus they have the best lines of all….

  • Just Jenn

    It makes me wonder, though, just WHAT did Serena have to do with Ben being in jail?!?

  • Sohini

    I didnt really get why Serena dumped Collin. It was just over without any explaination. Oh well, who really cares.
    More importantly, Collin is probably the ONLY guy on the show that Serena met in the last 4 years and didnt sleep with. I am impressed and surprised.

    • An4

      she should have slept with Collin – he’s really hot. and tall. and not Dan. and he gave up his post for her. and he’s not Nate. and he’s tall. did I mention he’s not Dan or Nate?
      she slept with men all over Europe, why stop now when someone is actually worth it? I don’t get that Serena character… she’s a show’s decoration or something?

      • Camille

        Her not sleeping with Colin just proves that Serena really does have bad taste in men.

        And, I’m sorry, but I must be a prude but how can you consider sleeping with/having a relationship with your step-brother? Especially if that stepbrother is Dan?? GG really just glosses over them being sort of related/sharing a sibling.

    • Merve

      Its so funny that they kept us watchin Serena moan on and on about Colin for like 3 episodes and then bam in one second she just upped and changed her mind. Thats crappy writing if i ever saw. I would have had her sleep with Colin and realize he is really bad in bed (like is does smthg dodge or he is not well equipt despite exterior facade) and then Serena would ignore him after the fateful night because we all know how imp sex is to Serena. So Colin would end up seething that he left his job to be with her and watching her run off with Dan/Nate/New billionaire CEO would make him so jealous that he would join forces with Vanessa/Juliet/Ben (brother/lover of Juliet) to take Serena down. In the meantime if he hooks up with Vanessa while also treating her like trash that would also be appreciated just as long as he is the 3rd wheel in the revenge trio and they dont bring back Kohl face Jenny. Blair and Chuck can stay as they are.

  • Rachel

    I haven’t even been watching the show, opting instead to read your hilarious recaps. Thanks for making me laugh and taking care of those eye rolls for me!

  • S

    I like Chuck and Blair but I love Serena. She is always on another man, but for whatever reason I find myself rooting for her. As beautiful as she is (I’m pretty sure no plastic surgery) she doesn’t annoy me because she genuinely means no harm. I don’t think I’d watch a Chuck and Blair show – they need the other beautiful people in the show with them. And last week’s make out session with Blair and Chuck was awkward. I watched it with my hubby and he was like “That’s not sexy!” Lol. It looked too forced and posed. To Leighton’s credit, I think that’s the only time I saw her not do a stellar acting job.

    • An4

      pretty sure a nose job…

  • Julia

    I’m so happy that Chuck and Blair are back together. I love them too. I think they need their own spin-off. Ditch the upper east side and just travel lavishly all over the world. They could make new richer friends and have no need for Serena or Nate.

    I remember how I thought Chuck was awful the first season. I never would have thought he would be one of my favorite characters.

    I’m dreading Little J’s return. As I mention almost weekly, I can’t stand her hair extensions and black eyes. She bothers me and while she’s on the screen I want to flee the room.

  • Eileen

    Amanda,

    I read your Gossip Girl and Real Housewives recaps religiously. I haven’t commented before but had to finally say THANK YOU! Your writing is brilliant, entertaining and spot-on. Thank you for writing them for us!

    I am a loyal GG viewer, and have watched from episode one. The writing is only so-so but Chuck and Blair keep me watching every week. Their acting is great and chemistry is perfect. Love the show (even tho the stories literally repeat and re-repeat themselves over and over and over…) and LOVE your recaps!

    • Thank you for commenting, and I’m glad you enjoy the recaps! I enjoy the comments just as much, if not far more :-)

  • meesh

    These recaps are awesome :) it’s so unfair how America gets GG two days earlier than we do.

    It makes me seriously mad that the writers don’t pull their finger out and give Serena a good story…I feel bad for Blake because she’s a good actress and she must be so frikkin bored doing the same old story line day-in-day-out; plus she must be more confused than I am.

    And, I totally think that Juliet and Ben are of some relation to that guy that Serena inadvertently killed back in season one and they are back to wreak havoc on her live as revenge.

    And is it just me or does Juliet look way to old to be still at college…

  • Camille

    Your recaps are always great but this one was by far one of your best. I LOL’d – especially your recap of Serena’s immediate shift of interest from Colin (who has my vote for a steady role; he is freaking hot) to Dan/Nate/whoever. She is so fickle!

    And I really can’t deal with more Jenny and more Vanessa PLUS Juliet. But this storyline is at least interesting – I’m surprised at the show this season.

    I also vote that every episode should open and end with Chuck and Blair having hate sex and/or friendly sex :D

  • Alison

    Oh how I love these recaps Amanda! They make me smile everytime I read them…..I just died as well when Chuck swept Blair up in his arms….. every girls dream. (Oh and yay to macaroons – my fav food!)

  • Anne

    Thank you for bringing up the Vanessa vs. Serena thing! Her sudden hatred towards Serena makes no sense whatsoever…and shouldn’t Vanessa still be mad at Juliet over the whole cell phone scandal a few weeks ago? That was got Vanessa exiled in the first place (and the reason Dan broke up with her).

    I LOVE Chuck and Blair, but I wish the writers would come up with new storylines for them! I think the love/hate thing is overkill at this point. It would’ve been nice to see them apart for a while, dating other people (other than prostitutes for Chuck or princes for Blair), more buildup for their eventual reunion.

    • MW

      Vanessa hates Serena because Vanessa is in love with Dan and Dan is in love with Serena. Also, remember Vanessa dated Nate… So Vanessa hates the fact that these two guys are fighting over Serena, while Vanessa was staying home babysitting Dan’s baby (which actually turned out to not be Dan’s baby anyway). Remember Vanessa moved into Dan’s place and it looked like they were going to to start a relationship, but then Dan just couldn’t get over Serena… So that’s why she hate’s her.

  • Tiffany

    I always look forward to reading these recaps as they are so entertainingly funny. “Nate tries out new hairsprays.” haha! I also agree that Leighton Meester deserves an Emmy for her brilliant acting and that the writers just recycle the same material. Wasn’t it just a few episodes ago or seasons ago that Serena had to choose between Nate and Dan? I can’t even pinpoint when which just shows how repetitive it is.
    Please continue the recaps, Amanda, as they always make me chuckle.

  • scholastican

    After sitting through most of the show, I was jolted back to semi-consciousness when I saw Serena in that gunmetal lace gown. She looked ravishing! Whose creation was that?

  • Anonymous

    My DVR choked and I missed this episode. It’s not up on CW’s website yet; I am dying.

    Does anyone know when the new episodes usually go up at the website?

  • BethAnn

    Amanda, I love your recaps SO much! Can you start watching Glee and recapping it????? It is the only show I watch regularly that you don’t recap! I find myself watching it and thinking “Oh Amanda would have a hay-day with this!”

  • Rebecca

    As always, love the recap.

    I too was thinking Ben/Juliet’s revenge against Serena has to do something with the guy’s death from season one. Curious to see what it will be.

    My guess as to why Vanessa doesn’t like Serena is because like she said in the show, she always looses to her. Maybe Vanessa isn’t mad at Juliet anymore after she found out that Juliet doesn’t like Serena either.

    Am I the only one who actually misses Little J? I think the character is interesting and changes things up. Not into her look with the black makeup, but still her storylines brings something else to GG. Can’t wait to see more of her.

  • Tina

    I love Blair and Chuck! More importantly, I love the bag that Blair was carrying at the beginning of the episode. Which LV was it?

  • ep

    Also, what about-how obviously the dispose of the non-trust fund girls. It is painful how Vanessa and Juliet at–but, it is equally or more ofputting how- exiling and bullying them based on class is so celebrated–even by the ivy league institution,. This last season has taken it to another level of empty values. I like Blaire– she at least has some goals- and conviction. The thought of Serena as a student is laughable.

  • CLOVE

    I DIE! This recap was sooo amazing. I kept laughing and laughing. :p

  • lara.a

    I just want to say: you got everything right. The way you write, your point of view, everything. In clear, i just love your blog and especially your reviews. They’re amazing. :)
    You mentioned that you study journalism? Can I ask in which school? Cause it’s just my dream to be a journalist ( I know this must be an unusual comment, perhaps.. weird.) I would really love to know which school or uni, because i just love your way of writing.

    Please let me know,
    Thanks!

  • Tiffany

    I love your recaps, haha (ipad)

  • Jen

    I always hear such great things about this show (ipad)

  • S.J.

    i like gossip girl (ipad)

  • S.J.

    but i think more for the outfits lol (ipad)

  • Sherry

    gossip girl needs to step it up with the story line (ipad)

  • Sherry

    it is becoming a bit repetitive (ipad)

  • helen

    Chuck and Blair belong together. (ipad)

  • Marty McFly

    Five years later, who is Juliet/Julliette/any other ways I forgot you spelled her name? :) I can’t remember a Juliet at all. Just re-watching and realizing that Vanessa only has one facial expression and hoped someone else had complained so I wouldn’t be all alone. Sigh!
    Also watching again, I kind of hate Dan. He is possibly more self-righteous, narcissistic and has dubbed himself “Artist” (LOL City!) when Vanessa was accepted at the Drama Thingwe at NYU. Bwaha, he only writes down what happens in ihis day and calls that art? My High School diaries must be art as well, but mine were filled with self-loathing, trying to be good enough to be accepted by insane parents. Blech.
    Ohhhhh I remember who Juliet is now. That SL must have bored me the first time round.

Want PurseBlog's Email Newsletter?