Two days later and I am still utterly and totally shocked at Monday night’s Gossip Girl season finale. Stunned. Aghast. Gobsmacked, for all the Brits out there. I feel like the writers unceremoniously destroyed everything that I knew to be right and true and good in this world in approximately 44 minutes of CW television.
There are now two planes of existence: one for those that have not seen this episode, and one for those that have. If you’re still living on that first plane, I have but two pieces of advice for you: (1) Go watch it immediately. Leave work early, give your kid to a babysitter, lock your boyfriend out of your apartment. Do whatever you have to do. (2) Don’t read the rest of this recap until you’ve seen the entire thing, because if you do, I’m about to spoil the rest of your life for you. You’ve been warned.
Welcome to the other side, my friends. I hope one of you brought a flashlight, it’s dark over here.
I know that this episode was called “Last Tango, Then Paris,” but it might as well have been called “In Which Jenny Ruins Everyone’s Life and Then Washes Her Face and Skips Town.” Because, more or less, that’s what happened.
She began the episode in Nate’s bed, again wearing Serena’s sex shirt and looking irritated that all she did while lying next to Nate was watch New Moon (which, in fairness, I would be pissed if I had to watch New Moon too). That’s right – those two crazy kids didn’t even so much as make out during their drunken night together, which caused me to lose more than a little faith in both of them. What is this, 7th Heaven? I want scandal!
Dan and Serena did a little better over in Brooklyn, where they not only slept in the same bed and Serena wore Dan’s shirt, but they also spooned a little bit and kissed. (But it didn’t mean anything! Or, uh, maybe it did?) Oh, and they had their photo taken. By Jenny, who conveniently left her coffee cup behind to notify everyone that she was the person that sent the picture in to Gossip Girl, thereby managing to screw up two relationships (and create a third?) in a single twitch of her Blackberry.
In a better neighborhood uptown, Dorota was completely full-up with baby and Blair was using her giant pregnancy belly to act as a barrier between her and that Columbia dude that she’s been leading on for an episode or two. You see, it was supposed to be her big day with Chuck and she was doing everything humanly possible to avoid thinking about or seeing the Empire State Building, where she was supposed to meet him to reunite or lose him forever! She didn’t want to go (well, she did, but she didn’t) but she also didn’t want to move on with Columbia boy, so Dorota was there to cock-block and make sure it wasn’t actually a date.
Blair’s attempts were bolstered by the Gossip Girl blast that came through with Jenny’s picture of Dan and Serena, which suddenly gave her something to focus on besides her as-yet-unmade decision about that Basshat (and when she called him that, she made my entire life). Who knew that Blair would ever be excited to go to Brooklyn? But she was. Jenny was in Brooklyn, and Blair would ditch her date to go eviscerate Little Jenny Humphrey, even if it meant deigning to leave Manhattan.
And eviscerate, she did. She went through a list of all the people that love people in their social circle and concluded that, in fact, no one loved Jenny because of what an awful, selfish, vicious little thing she is. Not even her daddy loves her anymore, because Rufus showed up at just that moment to prove Blair right and tell Jenny that he’s going to send her to live with her mom in some god-forsaken suburb. Cue the Little J freakout.
She wasn’t the only one freaking out, however; the Gossip Girl blast reverberated far and wide. Nate got it and was filled with righteous anger all the way up to his manbangs, and when he confronted Dan and Serena (at the hospital – Dorota’s having her baby!), they told him that nothing happened (lies!), and Nate did what any scorned 19-year-old would do in the heat of confrontation – he emailed the Gossip Girl blast to Vanessa in Haiti so that Dan’s relationship would get screwed up too.
Also at the hospital was Blair, trying to be by Dorota’s side despite the fact that, at some point during the day, she decided that she did actually want to go to the Empire State Building. Dorota is like the mother Blair never had (even though Blair’s real mom was standing right next to her, blissfully unaware that Blair had somewhere to be) and shooed her off to go get the man of her dreams on top of the Empire State Building.
She was too late, though. A trip to Lenox Hill hadn’t been in the schedule and Blair arrived to the top of the building to be greeted by a bouquet of peonies in a trash can and Chuck nowhere in sight. She grabbed the flowers and set out for his penthouse to retrieve her man – too bad Little Jenny Humphrey got there first.
Jenny had arrived at the Empire teary-eyed and looking for Nate, but all she found was Chuck, guzzling booze and being moody. He invited her to stay and get drunk, and she accepted because she wanted to talk to him about the failure of her manipulative, social-climbing version of the American Dream. And then, THEN, despite the fact that Chuck tried to rape Jenny in the first season (did you think that we forgot that, writers??), Jenny and Chuck had mutual pity sex, and my best friend and I screamed at the TV about how WRONG the whole thing was. Wrong, yet somehow, I’m surprised that it didn’t happen sooner.
Back at Lenox Hill, Dorota’s adorable baby was born and Dan and Serena were having silly conversations about their silly feelings and almost-kissing in the waiting room. First of all, eww, hospital waiting rooms are dirty. I barely want to exist in one, let alone consider making out. Second of all, REALLY? We already know how the whole Dan/Serena thing goes. If they’re going to do all of this to us again, it means the writers have entirely run out of story lines for these boring characters, something which I think we’ve suspected all season long.
In a decidedly less boring storyline, when we next saw Chuck and Jenny, she was curled up in his bed in shame and he was laying there feeling…well, probably feeling nothing, depending on how much he had to drink before she arrived. But she was a virgin, remember? And now she’s lost her virginity to Big Bad Chuck, who very clearly gave her an out before sleeping with her, which she did not take, and she feels like maybe a little bit of a skank. And just when she thought things were as bad as they could be, an elevator sounded and someone else was in the apartment – Blair.
She called Chuck’s name and he flew out of the room, leaving Jenny and reuniting with his lost love. For her part, Jenny stripped the bed of her sex sheets (teenage shame is so adorable) and used her cloak of invisibility to get out of the apartment undetected. For some reason, the first place that she thought to go and cry her eyes out was the chapel at Lenox Hill Hospital, where Eric found her and asked her what happened – all she had to do was whimper out the words “Chuck” and “mistake” for him to know that they had sex, and he went and found Big Brother Humphrey to avenge Jenny’s fragile innocence. Nevermind the fact that Jenny plainly consented and that their proximity in age would make her legally able to do so where I live, despite the fact that she’s under 18 – she needed a man to fix her fallen virtue!
Dan did so by punching Chuck in the face (and nearly falling over while doing so – he doesn’t have much experience with the whole punching thing) when Blair and Chuck returned to the hospital to see the baby, just in time for Rufus to awkwardly walk up and try to feed everyone without a single clue as to why his daughter had cried her eyeliner all over her face or his son had just assaulted someone. Serena was equally clueless and likely didn’t figure out until Dan sat her down and told her, but Blair knew right away – Chuck had slept with Jenny, and she didn’t ever want anything to do with him again. Sad, since he was about to propose to her (but that would never happen in real life – Blair would be the first to tell you that people of high breeding don’t get engaged at 19).
Before we go any further, we have to deal with the small problem of Georgina Sparks. She lurked around this entire episode in a bad blond wig and a big coat, trying (and failing) to get people to help and/or pay attention to her. No one would, so she finally ended up back at Dan’s place, forcing him to listen. When she had his attention, she unveiled an enormous, lamÃ© covered baby bump and claimed that he was going to be a dad. Please, Dan, for the love of everything that is holy – ask for a paternity test. I know that you can be a little slow on the uptake at times, but you’re nowhere stupid enough to have sperminated Georgina Freakin’ Sparks. And if you have, well, I guess that makes your impending re-hookup with Serena a little more complicated.
Fast forward a week and Blair was, somehow, doing just fine. She packed for a summer-long trip to Paris and convinced Serena to go with her, and I got a little jealous. I want to jet off to Paris on a moment’s notice too!
Sadly, Blair wasn’t the only one taking a European vacation. In the season’s final scene, we saw Chuck stumbling drunkenly through a Prague alleyway, getting turned down by hookers left and right. And then, he stumbled just a little too far – two thugs came out of the shadows to mug him, and he resisted when they found the ring that he had been planning to give to Blair. Since they were, ya know, thugs that rob people for a living, they shot him. Right there, in the street. Chuck Bass. Shot.
Personally, I thought that Jenny was going to kill herself and that would be our Season Finale Big Surprise, so they really got me on this one. After thinking about it, though, I have some predictions for next season: Chuck will survive, the baby won’t be Dan’s, and Jenny won’t stay away from Manhattan very long at all. When she comes back, I certainly hope that we get the complete destruction that Blair promised her.