Excuse me for a moment.
ZOMG LADY GAGA was on Gossip Girl last night it was so much awesome in one hour that I thought my face was going to melt off or something humans are not meant to endure all that fabulousness at one time it ought to be illegal and the episode was called The Last Days of Disco Stick and it was sooooo greatttttt aksdno;SJDNF!!!!!
Ahem. Thank you. I’ve composed myself now that that’s out of my system.
I worship at the altar of Lady Gaga, so you could say that I was pleased that she showed up on Gossip Girl last night. She presided over an episode of love triangles and badly made, drunken sexual decisions, which I think she would thoroughly approve of, based on the lyrical content of her music.
I wish that they had used Gaga a little more (or let her act instead of just perform – she was funny on SNL a few weeks back), but the show was still intriguing in its incredible awkwardness. It was the sort of uncomfortable, queasy-making drama that only comes from sexual relations with inappropriate people, and I don’t know about you, but that’s exactly what I want when I tune in every week.
Vanessa and Olivia now hate each other because they shared the same dong last week, and Serena finds herself in the position to choose between the cousins Vanderbilt and Archibald (which is totally the threesome that I would have rather seen, thankyouverymuch, but I guess they can’t do it because it’s cousins? Somehow I think Nate would be down for it, though, and we all know that politicians have kinky private lives…)
Let’s start with Dan and his lusty ladies, though. They all somehow become embroiled in Blair’s plan to infiltrate NYU’s Tisch drama crowd, and in order to do so, they have to write and perform a Lady Gaga-themed adaptation of Snow White in under a day, which is precisely the kind of self-congratulatory thing that drama school students organize for themselves, so bravo, writers.
Dan is Prince Charming (or whatever the prince was called in this particular fairy tale) and Olivia was supposed to be the pop star version of Snow White. Blair was the evil queen (obviously) and was also supposed to direct, but in an effort to create some threesome parity in his life, Dan brought in Vanessa as the director. Olivia took this to mean that he was siding with Vanessa in the post-threesome fallout, and she was incensed! Because surely Vanessa is in awkward hippie love with Dan, right? Wrong. Vanessa, in a fit of awesomeness that is totally not inherent to her character, couldn’t care less about Dan and his dong.
You see, it’s Dan that actually cares about Vanessa, even though he didn’t know it. In order to illustrate this fact, Olivia ditches the Gaga/Snow White mashup midway through and forces V to go on in her stead and have the magic kiss with Dan at the end. And that’s a nice little metaphor, isn’t it? Instead of curing Snow White of the poison apple, it cures Dan of the delusion that he has a platonic friendship with Vanessa, which is something that I have never really believed. The downside is that means we probably see more Vanessa plot lines, which: eww. No thanks. And also, we lose Olivia, who was kind of entertaining, although I would totally go see a Heathers-with-witches movie, so I hope someone actually makes that.
All that this story line reminds me of is some of the best sexual advice that Sex and the City‘s inimitable Samantha Jones ever gave us: the only way to do a three-way is to be the guest star. Maybe this is a sentiment that colleges should start incorporating into orientation, as a preemptive measure for all this stress that bad sexual planning has the potential to create for students. Obviously this is not something that drunken 18-year-olds can figure out on their own.
For a momentary break in the love triangle drama, let’s refer to Little Jenny Humphrey. It’s lonely at the top, and she jumps at the opportunity to entertain the hot (in a European way, not my thing) son of a foreign diplomat who also turns out to be a slightly grope-y international drug runner. At first she’s uncomfortable with all of this until Chuck comes to her rescue, after which she decides that she in fact had a great time, and would like to see this gentleman and his slicked-back hair once again.
And as Chuck pointed out, it’s not that surprising – Jenny has been looking for a rabbit hole to fall down since the beginning of the series, and she almost made it with that crazy model friend of hers, remember? Some people just have a nose for trouble, and Chuck Bass knows them when he sees them. I just hope that he takes the time at some point to explain the concept of diplomatic immunity to her, and why this dude will sell her down the river sooner or later.
Alright, back to the inappropriate sexual decisions! And of course, that means we have to talk about Serena, because her entire life is predicated on one ill-advised romp after another. That’s gotta be kind of fun, right? Well, except for now, since one of them is married. Or married for now, at least – just as he readies himself to leave for Washington, he finds out that it was his wife who set up the Hudson Hero debacle, and now he just doesn’t know if he can stay in the relationship. Sounds like more scruples than any real-life congressman would have, but whatever.
Meanwhile, Serena is seeking advice from Nate since Blair is back to not talking to her, and he attempts to create a drunken, manbang’d diversion in order to stop her from sleeping with his cousin. He forgot two important things about alcohol, though: First, it makes you confess things. Things like undying, secret love. Which Nate has for Serena. Oops. Second, it has never, in the the history of ever, stopped anyone from making a bad sexual decision. In fact, its effect is pretty much the exact opposite of that. Double oops.
Next week, someone is pregnant, and Blair is yelling, and it appears to be Thanksgiving. Make sure you give thanks for the ridiculous exploits of our favorite Upper East Siders – they’re not just doing this for their health, you know.