What we did get was a good bit of Brandi being Brandi, which I always enjoy, and some more of Kyle (and to a lesser extent, Adrienne) being incredibly ineffective Mean Girls. Ladies, you’re just not good at it. You’re not quick enough! That’s not necessarily your fault. It’s probably your parents’ fault. You’re adults, though, so let’s have a little self-awareness about that fact and move on to another way to attract camera time. Maybe you can get a 2-for-1 deal on plastic surgery or something?

1. Brandi is a good time. The montage of Brandi’s peeing children, braless dresses, microscopic bikinis, Xanax-and-booze stupors and unfortunate utterances of euphemisms for male genetalia was perhaps the finest tour through Housewives silliness that we’ve seen in a long time. Please, Bravo. Please make Brandi a full time Housewife next season! Kick Adrienne out and give us more Brandi.

2. Kyle is a mean girl. At least she admitted it, I guess. At the game night, remember how Kim hid Brandi’s crutch and told Kyle about it, and Kyle didn’t bother to give her the crutch so she could leave? Yeah. F*** Kyle. I am perhaps sicker of her particular variety of BS than I am of anyone else’s on the show. If Brandi had been in a wheelchair at that party, I bet Kyle would have gladly tipped her out of it and then acted surprised and dismayed when people thought that tipping the wheelchair-bound wasn’t a nice thing to do.

3. Kyle is suspicious of anyone who’s able to bury the hatchet. Because Kyle has to go out of her way to passive-aggressively torture anyone who has ever committed any kind of perceived slight against her ad infinitum, she seemed incredibly dubious of the fact that Lisa and Taylor were somehow both able to be adults and form a friendship. Apparently Kyle isn’t aware that adults are occasionally able to look at a conflict, realize it’s silly and decide that neither party is at fault. Kyle has never emotionally matured beyond the age of 14, and I’m halfway betting that she tries to get all the other cast members to sign her yearbook at the end of the season.

4. “Did you slit his tires?” “Well, I owned them too.” Brandi is still incapable of lying, which not only entertains all of us in the peanut gallery but fairly often works to shut down Kyle or Taylor when they’re trying to make some kind of point about how Brandi is mean or wrong or not telling the truth. The rest of the women haven’t quite seemed to grasp the fact that Brandi isn’t going to lie right along with them in order to save herself from embarrassment, and it foils some of their usual tactics. For example, when the other Housewives questioned her about who it was that talked behind Lisa’s back, Brandi went ahead and admitted it was Adrienne instead of shying away from naming names like you might expect. Adrienne seemed so shocked that Brandi actually said it that she didn’t even try to deny any wrongdoing. Instead, she merely told Brandi she was mean for telling the truth. Adrienne is not very good at this.

5. Kyle and Adrienne continued their parade of epic fail through the reunion. They both said so many things that were petty and immature and generally did not reflect well on them that it’s kind of difficult to even remember all of it. Adrienne tried to make Brandi look bad by claiming that they were friends and that Brandi had violated that friendship, but Brandi explained that they hadn’t actually seen or talked to each other since the end of filming. Adrienne, in her continued attempt to make any tiny, petty disagreement with Lisa into a grand offense, complained about Giggy drinking out of a glass at her house. I yawned and rolled my eyes a lot when one or both of these ladies were speaking.

6. Kyle put Kim up to being on the show. She claimed it was in an attempt to give Kim some responsibility, but that doesn’t entirely make sense. If that’s the goal, get her a part time job, don’t put her up to public humiliation on reality television when you know full well that she’s a spiraling alcoholic who’s just going to make a fool of herself. And if you decide to do it anyway, don’t then get indignant when the show’s audience thinks your sister is a cracked-out loon. What a sick way for Kyle to buy herself her own story line.

Also, when Andy asked Kyle why she had never sat down and talked with Kim about her problems in any sort of specifics on the show, she said that it would have been inappropriate to get into details in that setting, some things need to be done in private, her family would have been angry with her, blah blah blah. But didn’t Kyle get into exactly those details in a screaming match with Kim in the Season 1 finale? Didn’t she tell the world that Kim is an alcoholic way back then because she was pissed at Kim for embarrassing her? Did she think we all forgot? Deciding not to address it on the show after that is like closing the barn door after the horses have all escaped.

7. Season 2 Camille! Do you remember how much all of us hated Camille last year? We hated her so much! And now she’s funny and friendly and generally seems like a real person. Not only that, but her new boyfriend is eight years younger, looks like Mark Sanchez and has abs you could grate cheese on. Kelsey Grammer seems like such a slimy piece of crap that I wish Camille many years of happiness banging the young hot dude of her choice. Mazel tov.

8. Miscellaneous Taylor thoughts go here. I believe what she says about her abusive marriage, but I don’t necessarily believe anything she has to say in regard to her lack of knowledge about her husband’s fraudtastic business dealings or her theory that Russell’s death might have been a murder. Taylor seems to have been a willing participant in some of the tales of grifting that we’ve heard from the couple’s victims, and since she claims that the abuse started when she was pregnant, she can’t claim to have done all of it under duress from a violent man, if the timeline in my head is correct. Her little sermon about finding Russell with the briefcase seemed to have been rehearsed so that she could be on the record with her version of the story, and it wasn’t particularly compelling.

9. Brandi accidentally called Kyle a C-U-Next-Tuesday. In yet another act of aggressive (if accidental) honesty, Brandi sent Kyle a text calling her THAT WORD after politely declining an invitation from Kyle to attend a party. The C-word text was supposed to go to another friend, and I don’t find it all that unbelievable that Brandi occasionally isn’t that good at using her phone. When questioned about it, Brandi fully admitted that it happened but didn’t apologize, which is another move with which I agree. I haven’t seen any compelling evidence all season that Kyle isn’t a big, giant C-U-Next-Tuesday, so even bothering to apologize would have been the sort of dishonestly of which we now know Brandi to be incapable.

I feel like there were some other things that I wanted to address, but they’re not coming to mind at the moment, despite the fact that I watched the reunion three times last night. That’s just how the episode was, though: decently entertaining but mostly forgettable.

Taylor also gave some very frank answers about her life with Russell and the highs and lows of an abusive relationship, all of which sounded exactly like you would expect from someone who’s in intense therapy six months after the suicide of her estranged husband/abuser. I found them perfectly reasonable and satisfying, but as always, Taylor seems to be something of a human Rorschach test – people see in her what they want to see. As is customary for reunions, let’s talk about the things we learned last night after the jump.

1. Kim was in rehab during the taping of the reunion. Kyle refused to say what it was that Kim was on (spoiler: booze), but everyone seemed to agree that she definitely needed to be there.

2. Lisa’s not telling how much the wedding cost. Her daughter doesn’t even know, apparently. I bet Kevin the Big Gay Wedding Planner would tell us. For a price.

3. Lisa hurt Adrienne’s little fee-fees. Lisa called the Maloof dog Jackpot “Crackpot” on Twitter because fans of the show were joking about Giggy vs. Jackpot, and she also referred to Adrienne’s shoe as the Maloof Hoof, as we all saw a few episodes back. All kinds of jokes are regularly made about Lisa’s dog and she made a last name joke about her own shoe line as well, so I’m not sure what the big deal is. With all the shit-talking that goes on in these shows, those two incidents don’t even seem remotely worth dragging out to address in a season where someone went to rehab and someone else committed suicide. Who cares. Toughen up, Adrienne.

4. Lisa also hurt Kyle’s little fee-fees. Lisa said that Kyle, the repeated public splits-doer, does stuff like that for attention. Kyle. KYLE. LISTEN TO ME. You can’t get self-righteously angry when someone calls getting up on a table in the middle of a party and doing the splits in front of a camera crew a bid to attract attention. By definition, that’s exactly what it is. It’s not a value judgment. Y’all are all famewhores. You’re on Real Housewives. Those two things are synonymous. Dismount the high horse.

Lisa countered by mentioning Kyle’s claim that she preys on the weak, which sounds like a much worse thing to say about someone with whom you’re supposed to be friends, but according to Kyle that’s not nearly as bad as making light fun of the attention-whoring tendencies of a reality TV star. Plus, plus, Lisa said the mean thing first, so Kyle’s mean thing is totally justified! Kyle also complained that Lisa is smart which makes fighting with her hard, and as far as I can tell, it’s not Lisa’s fault that she’s smarter than everyone else. Kyle’s the biggest Mean Girl of them all, and it seemed like she was merely mad that she couldn’t Mean Girl Lisa into submission like she does everyone else.

4.1 Kyle does do a pretty good Lisa impersonation, though.

5. The Housewives do indeed own expensive things. Lisa owns a 30,000EUR Valentino dress, which in today’s US dollars is about 40 grand. By contrast, Camille’s most expensive dress cost a paltry $12,000 by a designer she didn’t mention. Lisa defended the enormous expenditure by explaining that she bought that dress before the recession, so, you know, that was kind of like sofa change back then. At that price, the dress has to be couture, and I think she should have brought it to show us. SHOW US THE COUTURE, LISA.

6. Taylor’s shrink is a doctor of osteopathy. Taylor said it was ok, he was a psychiatrist and could prescribe medication, but he just went to a “DO” school instead of an MD school. I did a little Googling, naturally, and it sounds like that’s a real thing that exists and it’s possible to get licensed as a legitimate psychiatrist in the US with that kind of degree. I went to journalism school, though, so if you have a background in medicine and know more about the distinctions between a DO and and MD, please share with us in the comments.

7. Camille didn’t think this season should have aired. She thought it wouldn’t be fair to Russell’s children, both Kennedy and those from previous relationships. That’s fair, probably. I didn’t think it should have aired back when it started, but now I’m just sort of ambivalent.

8. Several of the Housewives think the show saved Taylor’s life. That might be true. Attention and scrutiny are the ultimate enemy of domestic abusers, and having more people present in her home life and being taped and photographed regularly would make it much harder for an abuser to fly under the radar. As far as why Russell would sign on to a reality show, what Taylor said made sense – everything we know about Russell’s fraudulent business dealings and grifting indicates he was some sort of narcissist and probably would have loved the attention associated with reality TV, and domestic abusers generally aren’t cold, logical animals. I’m sure he thought he could get away with it, just like he got away with bilking people out of their money for so long.

9. Several of the Housewives were also confused about what to think of Russell. Camille and Lisa both said that sometimes Taylor admitted that Russell was awful and abusive, other times she encouraged them to like him. That fits in perfectly with the profile of a domestic violence victim, as do the feelings of codependence on the control and violence that Taylor described. Ultimately, neither Camille nor Lisa seemed to have any overall doubt that Taylor was abused, only that they didn’t know what to think in the moment while it was happening. Lisa revealed that she had seen a text where Russell called Taylor names and cursed her out, which is clearly emotionally abusive. With third party confirmation of that kind of treatment plus the objective evidence of Taylor’s medical problems, hopefully the issue of what happened to Taylor can be put to rest.

10. Lisa and Adrienne have beef over Adrienne’s chef. Lisa thought it was inappropriate that Adrienne let one of her household employees badmouth one of her friends to a national television audience, and although I generally don’t like how Housewives treat The Help, I think that’s a perfectly reasonable gripe. It’s not anyone’s personal chef’s place to tell America that he thinks his employer’s friend is an asshole.

11. And beef over whether or not Lisa sells stories, apparently. Based on the roundabout explanation of the accusations that Adrienne gave (which had basically no details, you’ll notice), someone at Radar Online tried to convince her to sell them a story by promising her that Lisa has also sold them stories. Adrienne didn’t have anything to say when asked what exactly Lisa had sold, and I can’t think of anything that Radar has run that would have had to come from Lisa and not anyone else, particularly something that would merit the huge $25,000 price tag that Adrienne may or may not have made up off the top of her head.

Based on my admittedly limited knowledge of the online gossip market, $25,000 for a story with no pictures and no name that can be publicly attached to it as a source is a pretty enormous price tag. It would have to have been some kind of bombshell, particularly when you consider that the Housewives aren’t anywhere near A-list stars. Of the things I can find that Radar has published about the Housewives, none of them seem to contain the kind of specific knowledge that only another cast mate would have that would be so good as to require such a large payment. I call bullshit.

Speaking of which, of course the Radar reporter would have lied to Adrienne (and Camille? I can’t remember who said what.) about other cast members selling stories while trying to convince her to do exactly the same thing. Online gossip mongers don’t take any kind of oath to tell the truth when they’re trying to get you to snitch behind your friend’s back about something. That seems so utterly and blatantly obvious that I can’t honestly conceive of how Adrienne and Camille would actually believe it. Tabloid reporters lie to get information. Water is wet. Earth travels around the sun.

So let’s talk about the attempted character assassination of Lisa that went on last night, shall we? According to Brandi, who I believe because she seems constitutionally incapable of ever telling a lie, even when it would greatly behoove her, the entire thing was a setup by the other cast members and they tried to enlist her help in the poorly executed endeavor. Brandi, of course, declined because she and Lisa seem to have struck up something of a friendship. It certainly seemed like there was some plan to target Lisa, considering all of the stupid little nitpicky complaints that everyone had against her – the Maloof Hoof? Really? That’s offensive?

I’m not entirely sure why the other housewives would have turned on Lisa, though. Has she snubbed them in some way that we don’t know about because her status as the fan favorite has gone to her head? Are they simply jealous that viewers like Lisa so much and aren’t as enthusiastic about them? Has Kyle enlisted them all in some kind of epic Mean Girl power struggle? Adrienne certainly seems more wishy-washy and easily lead than she did last season, and Taylor would be easy to influence. None of it quite fits, though, and I can’t help but get the feeling that there’s another shoe that will drop eventually. Right now it just seems like jealousy, particularly when they can’t think of anything better to complain about than silly little jokes about shoes and dogs. In the grand pantheon of awful things that have been said about people on Real Housewives, neither of those even come close to being notable.

The episode consisted mainly of our ladies’ first day in South Africa, although other than a few minutes on the deck of a yacht, they spent the entire time inside cars, boats, hotel suits and the Cape Town airport, fussing at each other about god knows what. One day down, nine more days of international vacation to go. Hopefully this will be the only argument they have through the side of a staircase.

The show opened on the plane to South Africa with Cynthia manning the camera in First Class, filming mostly herself and the inside of her own nose and a little bit of the other cast members during the 16-hour flight. The most interesting part of the entire opening sequence was the comparison between Nene’s eyebrows because she forgot to “take one off.” I know she meant taking off the brow pencil, but I couldn’t get the image of Nene peeling a fake eyebrow off her face out of my mind.

Once the plane landed, hilarity ensued as Marlo and Nene demonstrated their complete inability to move their dozen pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage (apiece) around the airport. It took about a hundred times longer than it should have to get to the group out to the van to go to the hotel, and once inside the van, Marlo took it upon herself to literally quiz the other housewives on random, completely made up rules of etiquette. She didn’t shut up for the entire drive, and any hopes that we had that she might shut up once they arrived at the hotel were quickly dashed.

The accommodations in Cape Town consisted of two utterly beautiful hotel suits with amazing views of the city below, which momentarily rendered everyone unable to complain about things. Marlo snapped back to her normal self pretty quickly though, requesting that the concierge provide her with the names of all the maids that would service her hotel room and that she be called immediately if one of them were to leave work early, go home sick, or otherwise break their schedule. Marlo, with the lengthy criminal record (for fraud, among other things), is afraid that a blue collar hotel worker is going to steal her (probably) fake Birkin. How quickly some people forget their own pasts after a rich dude buys them some handbags and rents them a cheap townhouse.

The next morning, the entire group got together for breakfast before a day in Cape Town, at which point Phaedra distributed a small gift for the ladies on the trip – an engraved compact mirror to commemorate the jaunt to Africa. Marlo groused about not getting one for a moment, apparently forgetting that Nene spontaneously invited her and didn’t warn anyone until she showed up at the airport, at which point it was too late to engrave another mirror. The TSA won’t let you bring that type of stuff on the plane, after all. Once Marlo got up to go get dressed, it appeared as though the tag was still attached to her robe, which tells you all that you need to know about Marlo all by itself. She returned that shit to Neiman Marcus when she got home and you know it. Cynthia may have thrown some shade on Phaedra’s robe, but at least it was hers free and clear.

While everyone was still at the table, Sheree announced a dinner party at her friend Kevin’s house for later in the trip. In typically petty Sheree fashion, she only invited the other Smalls, even though she announced it to the entire group and only inviting half the people to dinner on a group vacation is an objectively immature and rude thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, Sheree is not an entirely innocent party in the fight that will erupt over this topic later. At breakfast, though, the Talls generally took the information in stride and Cynthia promised to book dinner for their half of the group at Nobu that evening. Nobu, of course. That great bastion of South African authenticity. Can’t get it anywhere else in the world! Oh, wait…

Back in the states, Kim’s parents came over to see the baby and make a big family lunch since Kroy was away at training camp. While fixing meatballs, Kim’s Awkward Dad made a speech about how he thinks that Kroy is The One, forever cementing his spot as the most dad-like dad to ever appear on reality television. Despite that (or maybe because of it), I can’t help but find him kind of lovable. Kim’s an imperfect human being, but she clearly has a strong relationship with her family and she definitely spends more time with her kids than perhaps any other cast member on any of the Real Housewives shows. I’m going to gloss over the part where Kim encouraged her mother to take her top off, mostly because I prefer to believe it didn’t actually happen.

In South Africa, the next thing on the list was a yacht trip, which involved a few awkward minutes above deck wherein Marlo schooled everyone else on the proper and acceptable ways to get up while wearing a skirt and riding on a boat. Marlo’s Etiquette School seemed like it would be in session for the rest of the trip, so let me just go ahead and say this now: It’s fascinating to watch someone who’s been cuffed and thrown in the back of a police cruiser at least SEVEN DISTINCT TIMES tell everyone else how to act. Marlo is in possession of what can only be described as a downright impressive amount of selective memory.

Once the group went below board (for reasons that weren’t exactly clear), things got slightly contentious. Marlo claimed that she had seen Kandi at the mall (Lenox or Phipps? She didn’t say.) and Kandi had been a bit brusque with her, although I’m not sure what level of cordialness is required when some famewhoring Professional Girlfriend with a criminal record that just got cast to play a villain on your reality show comes running at you in the mall with her hand in the air. Kandi doesn’t do a great job hiding it when she’s irritated, so even if she was a little short with Marlo (I don’t entirely believe that she was, but I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt), I’m not sure anything additional was required.

Nene then took the opportunity to grill Phaedra about whether or not they had existing beef that needed to be cleared, which Phaedra denied. At this point in the episode, I realized that other than Nene and Kim, I can no longer remember why any of the cast members dislike each other. I know that no one likes Nene except Cynthia and Marlo, but none of the reasoning has stuck with me at all. Kandi let it slip recently that a lot of the cast is going to be changed before next season films, and I think that’s exactly what needs to happen. These women have fought and been friends in all possible combinations by now, and we’ve reached the point at which it’s impossible to care about it anymore. I’m at the same level of disinterest with Real Housewives of Orange County.

After the boat docked, the entire group headed back to the hotel to get ready for the evening’s separate gatherings. The Smalls were all getting ready together when Cynthia, the lone tolerable Tall, came knocking at the door to inquire about the plans for the evening and officially extend the invite for everyone to come to Nobu. The Smalls declined, but Sheree decided to spontaneously invite Cynthia to join the dinner party that evening, a decision she would live to regret. As soon as the offer had escaped her lips, Cynthia went sprinting back to the other suite to tattle to Nene and Marlo that it was just THEM who hadn’t been invited, because this is middle school and those kind of things need to be immediately repeated to every remotely interested party. If Cynthia ever needs any proof about why people say she sucks up to Nene, Bravo need only replay that thirty seconds of film for her. Nene, to her credit, seemed to genuinely not care about the invitation or lack thereof, probably because she’s used to these kinds of petty non-invitations at this point in her tenure as a Real Housewife. This is child’s play to someone who’s been party to a wig-tugging.

Marlo, on the other hand, was not having it. Not having it one bit. Naturally, the mature thing to do was stomp over to the other suite and pick a fight with Sheree, which is exactly what Marlo did. When pressed, Shenee extended the invite to Marlo as well, but Marlo didn’t seem satisfied with that. Sheree eventually admitted that she didn’t want Nene or Marlo to come and merely hadn’t invited Cynthia because she’s kisses Nene’s ass constantly, which is a reality that should be obvious to anyone in the cast with an ounce of self-awareness, even if Sheree was a tad petty about it. (And again, to Nene’s credit, she seemed to get it and not be particularly offended.)

Marlo’s enormously fragile ego couldn’t take the stress, though, so she blew a verbal gasket and starting hollering about blow-up mattresses and Sheree’s sad, lonely Rolex and the six-letter F word, which she actually said out loud for reasons that were not at all clear. Tsk tsk, Marlo. Your low breeding is showing, and no number of sugar daddy Aston Martins can cover that up for very long. Speaking of which, you’ll notice that when Marlo was yelling about Sheree’s repossessed car, she was bragging that her car was paid for in cash, not that SHE paid for the car in cash. Even when pressed on who ponied up the money, Marlo simply stuck with that sentence – it was paid for. It takes new and interesting levels of delusion to have a straight face while bragging about your ability to accept gifts.

Marlo also didn’t deny that the money came from an elderly rich dude who may or may not have been white, and the only thing she insisted we all know is that he was a billionaire, not a millionaire. If there’s anything dumber than bragging about the bank account of an old man you used to bang for gifts but who didn’t want you around enough to put a ring on it and put you in the will, then I certainly can’t think of what it is. Now Marlo’s with a football player who’s sloppy seconds from one of the OTHER Real Housewives, so I’m not sure why she’s ragging on Sheree, who was married to a football player for quite a while. Oh, right, because Sheree hangs out with too many “f****ts” to find a new man, as if the ultimate test of womanhood is how hard you’re out there hoing. For someone who’s reticent to reveal the details of her own financial situation when asked, Marlo sure is interested in counting everyone else’s money.

Let’s all hope that Marlo gets fed to a lion before everyone boards the plane back home. A woman who can make Miss Nene Leakes step in to a conflict and try to make peace while cameras are rolling is an extraordinary woman indeed, but not in a way that’s at all admirable or even vaguely positive. When you’re making Nene look sane and reasonable, you need to stop what you’re doing and immediately reevaluate every life decision you made up to that point. Marlo should probably start with this mugshot hair styles.

This season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has been incredible so far – dramatic, sad, contentious, sometimes a little bit scary. It made for great television, even if I felt a little guilty watching it from time to time, and we’ve all been trained to expect a season finale to take things over the top one final time. This one didn’t, though; for how good last week’s episode was, the finale was a bit of a snoozer.

Pandora’s wedding was kind of pretty, though. So..that’s something. The most interesting thing that happened the entire night was actually on Watch What Happens Live, wherein Brandi admitted to a week-long tryst with Gerard Butler because she still hasn’t learned to lie about things. Can we get Brandi her own show, please?

We started the episode in the middle of the preparations for Pandora’s wedding, which was going to be held in a tent set up on Lisa’s tennis court. And hey, I guess they saved some money on the venue? When looking to host a lavish wedding, it must be awfully convenient to have your own tennis court on which it can be held. How big is Lisa’s yard, anyway? You couldn’t even see the pool from where they were. Lisa’s backyard is Central Park, basically.

Despite the fact that the grounds and the house were buzzing with people and activity and workers preparing for the wedding, instead of getting her hair done and letting the people she paid do the unpleasant part of the prep, Lisa was standing in the foyer amid a pile of branches, arranging flowers herself. I don’t know if all the random shots we’ve seen of Lisa actually working this season are genuine or just a very savvy move by a woman who understands her own public image, but either way, snaps to Lisa. She’s either actually hardworking or tremendously self-aware, and neither of those are qualities one normally finds in reality television stars.

And now for something completely different, Adrienne accompanied Paul to the doctor to pull a Katie Couric and get a colonoscopy. I’ve never had one, but I hear that they’re not particularly pleasant, and I’d imagine that anything that requires you to talk about your impending enema on national television is humiliating on a pretty obvious level. Thankfully they didn’t give it to him while we watched, although we did see the tail end of his colonoscopy and then listen to him fart out the air afterward while under sedation and moaning “oh no” every time some came out. It was nice of him to be concerned about his farts, but, I mean, I don’t even know what to else say about that except that it made me want to seal up all of my holes forever. But get a colonoscopy, ladies! Colon health is important.

Back at Lisa’s house, the $9500 cake was arriving and Lisa was plotting the different ways that she could cover it with roses and Ken was pretending to drop it in order to amuse himself. So, you know, normal stuff. Over at Kyle’s house, she and Mauricio were arguing about whether or not Mauricio could wear a very, very dark blue Dolce & Gabbana suit to the black tie wedding, and personally, I was confused about why he doesn’t own a tux. Doesn’t his lifestyle mean that he goes to a fair number of formal events? Camille, for her part, was also over at her house getting ready for the wedding. Watching people get ready to go to things is really not all that interesting, and perhaps one of my biggest Real Housewives pet peeves. I don’t need to watch the same people get their hair curled every week.

At Lisa’s house once again, Kevin the wedding planner had finally arrived to calm some of Lisa’s concerns, and the event appeared to be coming together beautifully. Lisa even brought in a makeup artist that she had cloned not once but twice to help everyone get ready, which just goes to show you that life really is different for the rich. Cloning someone for your own convenience is very fancy. Oh, and speaking of fancy, Giggy got his very own custom tuxedo. Giggy now owns more tuxedos than Mauricio.

At that point, it was almost time for everything to start. Lisa was corseted within an inch of her life into a baby pink and silver sequined evening gown with a tiara and giant diamond earrings, all of which she said were picked out by her daughter. Normally I’d think that was BS, but Pandora seems to have the exact same taste as her mother, if not even a little more blingtastic, so it seemed utterly plausible. It seems as though Lisa’s MOB dress is a sticking point for some people, and I don’t really understand why.

Every time Lisa urged a little restraint during the planning process, Pandora was exactly the opposite – more pink, more sequins, more flowers! So if she approved of, or even asked for, Lisa’s ensemble, good for her. It’s her wedding. I can’t fathom why people get so bent out of shape about what other people do at their own weddings. Pandy’s dress was similarly over-the-top and really not my style, although I loved her veil trimmed in antique lace, but like I said, not my wedding, not my problem. Wear whatever you want. Have chimps escort your bridesmaids to the altar. It’s not my money you’re spending to do it, so I don’t care.

Bravo showed the walk down the aisle and the vows and Lisa crying a little bit during her one-on-one interview, and although the entire thing was just a tad boring for the amount of drama that we’re used to from this show, it was all very, very sweet and obviously heartfelt. Like I said, the wedding wasn’t my personal style (although weddings never are – WHERE’S THE BLACK?), but it seemed to reflect Pandora quite well and it was a beautifully realized event. Crazy Kevin the Wedding Planner might have earned his keep after all. If anything good can actually come out of a reality show, it’s that Pandora and her husband will have a lot of beautiful footage of their wedding to look back on.

And then, suddenly and in a complete non sequitur, we were at Kyle’s house where a private chef was preparing appetizers and everyone (except Kim, who was absent once again, big surprise) was getting together to see Taylor. Since we last checked in with her, Russell had killed himself and an undisclosed amount of time had passed since his death. Taylor arrived with her daughter and everyone made small talk and looked at pictures from Pandora’s wedding and generally didn’t discuss the big, awkward elephant in the room. Since the episode’s previews built this gathering up as some kind of Come to Jesus moment for Taylor, what actually transpired was utterly disappointing.

There were some oblique mentions to how Kennedy was doing and how Taylor considers the cast members of her family, but that quickly transitioned to looking at iPhone pictures of Camille’s boyfriend’s abs (good for her) and the little “where they are now” blurbs that are customary at the end of every season finale. Adrienne gave everyone a pair is free shoes. For what an entertaining season we’ve had so far, the finale was incredibly dry, particularly compared to last week’s barn-burner of an episode. It’s nice to end on a positive note, of course, but even this morning, I still feel like last week should have been the finale. Pandora’s wedding was nice, but it seemed like it didn’t have anything to do with the season we’ve had thus far. I’ll see you guys in a week for the reunion!

I thought that last night’s episode might be our first one in Africa since last week was such a placeholder, but no, we’ll have to wait for next Sunday to see the actual trip. This time, we just lazed around Atlanta for a little bit longer, getting full-body wraps and trying on things we can’t afford. Except for Kandi, of course, who was pushing a truck tire around a vacant lot while someone yelled at her from the sidelines.

We started out with Nene, who was making a visit to Marlo’s house. That was the first peek we had inside the place that some dumb dude clearly bought (rented) for her, and it was…tacky. But tacky in a different way than the houses on Real Housewives tend to be tacky. Instead, it was like Marlo had watched one too many Sunday hangover Cribs marathons, and she decided that it would be a great idea to decorate her house like Fabolous circa 2004, if Fabolous had his place decorated by a gay man who wears high heels. There were even security cameras so that she could keep an eye on all of her tacky crap from her bedroom. Clever.

And let’s talk about Marlo’s house itself for a moment, shall we? It was a townhouse. People who have real money in Atlanta don’t live in townhouses – even in an intown neighborhood, they all either live in single family detached homes or high rises. Real estate prices in Atlanta are low, and although I’m sure Marlo’s place was perfectly nice under all the plates bolted to the walls and the ill-advised lavender faux finish, it wasn’t the type of place where a rich person in Atlanta lives. Simple as that. I don’t care how many pairs of expensive shoes you put in it or if you have your boyfriend hire a chef for the afternoon so that everyone on TV thinks you have a “staff,” I’m not impressed with a townhouse in Atlanta. And it’s probably a rental. Marlo’s going to have to come with tighter game than that.

Nene is easily impressed by shiny things, though, particularly if those shiny things have red soles. She flipped out when she saw Marlo’s bag and shoe closet, and although there was some good stuff in there, it seemed like it was mostly there by mistake. Unlike Kim, who revels in her complete lack of taste and has a sense of humor about her own ridiculousness, Marlo’s the worst kind of tacky person – the kind who has no clue that she’s tacky. Even her Chanel bags were ugly, and one of them was so ugly that not even Nene would accept it as a random gift. When Nene’s turning down free luxury goods, you know things are bad. I guess that’s what happens when most of the stuff you have is given to you by other people’s husbands – you accept whatever it is that shows up at the door, as long as you don’t have to get a real job.

Our next two scenes involved the divergent weight loss methods of Kim and Kandi. Since we’ve seen Kim eat Domino’s chicken fingers while getting zapped with weight-loss laser that she had someone bring to her house, I’m sure you can imagine who was trying to take the easy way out. While Kandi was in the gym with a trainer wearing sweats and pushing a truck tire around a vacant lot, Kim was in her kitchen being wrapped in hot ace bandages by a woman of indeterminate accent. 45 minutes later, Kim swore she felt thinner. Kim always looks about the same to me, so if it makes her happy, let her waste her money. At least she’s honest with herself about her unwillingness to break a sweat.

Kandi was breaking an actual sweat, on the other hand, and it looked like hell. Kandi wants to get married and she thinks she needs to lose weight to find a man, which would seem to contradict everything that Phaedra has told us about The Magic of the Donkey Booty. Phaedra was in Kandi’s situation not long ago – slightly older than the average dating age, employed, successful, paying her own bills, in possession of a Donkey Booty – and she ended up with the hottest Real Househusband this side of Mauricio. Perhaps Kandi should give it a try with the booty for a little bit longer before she goes torturing herself trying to lose it. Or, you know, maybe try a juice fast. That seems to be what everyone’s doing these days.

At Cynthia’s house, Cynthia and Peter were talking about how she was going to South Africa. Cynthia had been there one time before. Excuse me while I stifle a yawn.

Over at Phaedra’s, Apollo was looking hot in a shirt and tie and feeding the baby (swoon) while Phaedra lamented canned beans and spilled what she knew about Marlo’s police record. Even Apollo, notoriously an ex-con, seemed shocked by Marlo’s litany of arrests. After all, Apollo’s record doesn’t contain anything violent. He was involved in a car theft ring. Marlo, on the other hand, tried to stab a bitch at the club. Speaking of which, how did Bravo even let her on the show? Usually reality TV casting departments have to screen for people with violent offenses on their records because of liability issues, but apparently Bravo decided that the potential drama of Marlo cutting someone was worth it.

Meanwhile, Nene and Marlo went shopping, accidentally bought a diamond necklace and we got to hear a little bit about What’s Wrong with Black Women According to Marlo. Nene smiled and nodded, seemingly happy that at least someone more entertaining and lively than Cynthia and less skeezy than that pizza dude was willing to be in her presence for more than a few minutes at a time. And really, that seems to be the entire reason that Bravo brought Marlo from the rock under which they found her – no one wants to hang out with Nene, so they needed someone who doesn’t hate her yet. Give it time, Marlo! You’ll probably change your mind like everyone else.

Speaking of Marlo, I have another little mini rant about her. As I mentioned, she categorized Kandi’s willingness to listen to the negative things that people have to say about her as A Thing That Black Women Do. Clearly Marlo has had this problem with other people before, but instead of considering that maybe there are legitimate criticisms to be made of her (like, I don’t know, that she has an arrest record a mile long? That she tried to stab someone? That she more or less admits to being a professional girlfriend?), it must be a problem that All Black Women have. It seems to me that pop culture and society in general shit on black women enough without black women doing it to each other, particularly a poor representative of the group like Marlo. The problems you have with other people are your own fault, babe.

Speaking of problems, Kim unfortunately found out about a brand new one. The NFL lockout ended, which meant that it was time for Kroy to report to training camp and get back to the business of football-playin’. I’d imagine that most NFL wives were relieved to send their husbands back to work to start bringing in the paychecks again, but Kim seems to be among the only housewives who doesn’t have any issues finding income from somewhere (although god knows where…), and she wanted Kroy to stay home and hang out with her and the baby. Unfortunately that wasn’t an option, so instead, they went out to dinner to celebrate their last night together before Kroy left for camp. Incidentally, I used to eat at that restaurant with a friend pretty regularly when I lived in Atlanta, and I hope one of them tried the lobster enchiladas.

While Kim and Kroy were out, Kim’s parents and Sweetie were at home making the house romantic to surprise Kroy when they returned. Apparently they didn’t start early enough and Sweetie didn’t check her cell phone, because Kim and Kroy walked in while they were still sprinkling rose petals and Sweetie started cursing at Kim and left them both locked out of the house for a while. Somehow, not only was that not the thing that eventually gets Sweetie fired this season, but she also didn’t set her maxi skirt ablaze in one of the zillion tea lights that were all over the floor. I count both of those things as small miracles. Just when we thought Kim and Kroy had made it home free to their gigantic bathtub, Kim’s incredibly awkward (and incredibly dad-like) father popped up to remind them that if Kim got accidentally pregnant again, he wanted the baby to be named after him. UGH DAD YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME.

The next day, Kim had to say goodbye to Kroy for a month while he attended training camp for the Falcons, and based on the emotional goodbye and all the promises Kim made him make about calling her and texting and keeping in touch, you would have thought that he was getting sent to Iraq. In reality, Falcons camp is less than an hour away from where Kim lives and he’ll be back in a couple of weeks. In fact, I’m not entirely sure that they don’t have, like, visitation times or something. Keeping a couple dozen millionaires isolated for a month seems…unrealistic.

Not matter how unpleasant Kroy’s departure was, though, it couldn’t possibly be as unpleasant for Kim as the trip to Africa is about to be for the rest of the cast. We ended the episode at the Atlanta airport, where everyone arrived one by one, the sane people in comfortable airplane clothes for a long international fight and the crazies in stilettos and tight waist belts and everything you never want to wear if you’re going to be on an airplane for double-digit hours. Naturally, Marlo was the last one to arrive and Nene was the only person who was happy to see her. Well, that’s not accurate. Cynthia was also happy to see Marlo because Cynthia has whatever kinds of emotions that Nene tells her to have. Alternately, everyone else was making faces at Marlo that looked approximately like they had smelled a fart. If I had been the one to plan the trip, I’d have told her to take her probably fake croc Birkin and get back in the car that brought her, but somehow, Phaedra held her tongue.

Should be a fun trip. (Insert the appropriate amount of side-eye here.)

Last night, though, there was so much madness on so many fronts that we needed it all. In fact, I would have probably sat there and watched for another 15 or 30 minutes, had Bravo decided to extend the episode even more. Kim and Ken started to really unravel, Taylor showed up to the party with her therapist and a black eye, Cedric crashed Lisa’s restaurant opening, one of Brandi’s ex-husband’s mistresses was serving canapés. RuPaul showed up. When RuPaul’s presence is way down the list of interesting things that happened on an episode of a Bravo reality show, you know things were good.

When we started the episode, the whole group had magically returned from Hawaii and we were at Kyle’s house while she prepared for the re-opening of Sur with her oldest daughter. They did some quick recapping about the dissolution of Taylor’s marriage and how horrible the last fight was with Kim in Hawaii, you know, just in case anyone had missed it and needed a quick primer.

Over at Sur, Lisa was supervising the final preparations of the renovation before the evening’s fete and naturally, things were down to the wire. I’ve never known anyone who built or renovated anything that didn’t go down to the wire, and apparently neither has Lisa, but I suppose that doesn’t make it any less stressful. It wasn’t stressful enough to wear flats, though. Or even wedges. Lisa was fairly dressed down in jeans and a white button-down, but she was still rocking sequined (or at least they looked it on my TV) Louboutin platforms.

Somewhere in the outskirts of Beverly Hills, Kim and Ken had rented a cheap hotel room that looked like it had been used to film more than a couple amateur pornos, under the guise of being “closer to the event.” My brain automatically translated that to, “so we could get super wasted and not have to pay a limo driver for the long trek out to our main crack den,” but make of it what you will. While Kim’s “makeup artist” was dolling her up for the event with the last palette of frosted eyeshadow that exists on earth (during this makeup time, it must be noted, Kim sat in front of a wall covered with semi-shiny peach wallpaper that appeared to have last been changed back when frosted eyeshadow was popular), Kim rummaged around in her purse and pulled out…a vibrator.

It was pink and came in a clear tube, so Kim said that she had bought it thinking that it was lipstick. Where, exactly, does one encounter a vibrator where you might also buy makeup? What kind of store is that? And who buys lipstick without at least taking the tester out of the tube and eyeballing it? And isn’t that kind of a giant tube? There are so many questions. I’m so confused. Everything about Kim confuses me.

Back in the land of the living, people had started arriving to the party, drinks were being consumed, appetizers were being passed. Everything was great! Until it wasn’t, that is. As it turns out, Brandi’s ex-husband sort of…got around. And not just with LeAnn Rimes, but also with a waitress at Sur (but probably not just with her either, let’s be real), who Brandi recognized while said waitress was passing around a tray of tiny quiches or something. Helpfully, the camera crew caught her saying to Lisa, “Uh, problem, I kind of used to date her husband.”

Ladies (or gents, really), if you ever find occasion to say those words and mean them, immediately begin rethinking all of your life decisions that got you to that point, particularly if you are a waitress and the woman in question is a model. The waitress asked to leave and Lisa agreed that would be a good solution to the problem after consulting with Brandi. Somehow, the whole thing didn’t devolve into quiche-throwing and hair-pulling, even though Brandi probably would have been totally justified in partaking in a bit of a tantrum. Props to her, to Lisa for being a good hostess and even to the waitress for doing the right thing and asking to be dismissed immediately. In her place appeared RuPaul, as if to reward them for their relatively mature behavior.

Shortly thereafter, Kyle showed up and told Lisa that although Kim was coming, she hadn’t spoken to her since the fight in Hawaii. On cue, the producers then transported us back to Kim’s gross hotel room, where Ken was instructing Kim on what shoes she was allowed to wear and Kim was desperately clawing through a giant suitcase of rumpled clothing (far more than you’d need for just one night) and crawling around on the floor in search of her “medication.” During the spliced-in interviews, Kim finally admitted that things had been rough with Ken and that he wanted to know where she was going and what she was wearing and why she didn’t answer her phone when he called, which is pretty much the textbook definition of a controlling asshole boyfriend. Presumably Kim threw back a few pills and left for the party, but who knows how she actually got out the door.

Speaking of the party, things were similarly dramatic there. Cedric showed up uninvited and unannounced, presumably because he had run out of money and was looking to see if he could make nice with Lisa and leech some more cash and shelter out of her. Lisa indulged the drama for a couple of minutes instead of having him escorted out straight away, but I can’t blame her for taking the chance to yell at him when she had it. Sometimes there are people in your life who you’d just like to yell at for a minute, even if it’s not necessarily the highest road you could take. Cedric was eventually escorted out, with Brandi assuring Lisa the entire way that she didn’t invite him. And I kind of believe her – she does seem to be fairly logical in most situations and doesn’t want to be on anyone’s bad side, and inviting him wouldn’t make any sense based on her actions with the group so far.

After a brief, depressing visit with Taylor and her skeezy therapist (making a house call!), we joined Kim and Ken in the limo, where Kim was playing with trash she found tucked away in the back seat, after which she suddenly decided, mid-drive, that she needed to take her bra off because it was dirty. In my opinion, she needed to take it off because it was one of those gross bras with clear plastic straps, but I also don’t doubt that its cleanliness was an issue. I mean, you saw the hotel room. It looked like they had been living in it for a month when supposedly they had only been there for the evening.

Supposedly.

In other trainwreck news, Taylor had been invited to Lisa’s party now that she was newly free of Russell. And…her therapist was her escort to the party? He wasn’t just there for a little pre-event pep talk? Exactly how hard is he bucking to get his own Dr. Drew style show? I’ve said it every time we’ve seen him and I’ll say it again – if your therapist allows stuff like this to be filmed, you need a new therapist. It’s completely irresponsible and inappropriate, particularly considering Taylor’s extreme situation.

Before they got to the party, Kim and Ken showed up and everyone tried to awkwardly make nice with them, even Kyle. By the time they got to the party, Kim seemed even more wild-eyed and disoriented than normal, and even the sight of her made Kyle a bit sad and panicky. Both Lisa and Adrienne tried to talk to Kim one-on-one, and Adrienne was successful in getting her to admit that Ken treats her poorly and tries to monitor her phone conversations. Adrienne, naturally, sent Kyle in to deal with the situation.

Surprisingly, Kim opened up to Kyle immediately. She told her that Ken puts her down and she’s sad all the time and she wants to leave, so much so that she has all her stuff packed to go. Kyle seemed dubious as to whether Kim was telling the truth, which probably only makes sense if you’ve ever known an addict. When they’re not in treatment, junkies lie. About everything. About things that don’t matter. So Kyle’s probably used to having to play detective and figure out what’s true and what’s not, but everything Kim was saying about Ken struck me as accurate. He hass displayed a lot of behavior on-camera that creeped people out, and I highly doubt we’re all wrong and Kim’s lying and Ken’s just a super awesome, misunderstood, gay bullmastiff.

Like any emotional conversation between two people with an entire lifetime of history between them, though, everything collapsed into tears and a nonsensical back-and-forth about which of them needs to apologize and who apologizes more and whether or not Kim ever apologizes for anything. Again, classic junkie behavior: Acknowledging that your behavior might have hurt someone else unjustly requires the realization that you might have done something objectively wrong, and drugs don’t leave a whole lot of room for self-awareness. Get Kim dried out and in some extensive therapy, and maybe then that line of conversation will go somewhere.

While Brandi was outside admitting to Ken’s face that she called him a gay bullmastiff (her total lack of an attempt to deny she said it or explain it away made me love her even more than I already do), Kyle and Kim were still in the back room, discussing why Kim’s period was three months late and how she’d like to have another baby because she’s currently out of things that are forced to love her unconditionally. (Ok, I tacked on that last part myself.) Kyle accurately guessed that instead of being pregnant, Kim was probably menopausal (is this a new Real Housewives thing? Didn’t we just have this conversation with Ramona in New York?), and the conversation ended quickly when Mauricio (trailed by Ken, who had likely not been invited into the room at all) entered to find the sisters knowingly sharing a swack of lipgloss.

Out in the main room, Taylor had arrived with her therapist and an obviously black eye. I know some of you guys think it was because of Botox or fillers or whatever (Wouldn’t the other eye also be black? Wouldn’t these women be easily able to identify that sort of bruising, having all had it themselves?), but Taylor’s medical records are out there and she took a punch to the face. Them’s the facts. You can pretend that’s not the case because you don’t like Taylor all you want, and Taylor is definitely not a particularly sympathetic victim, but even people like Taylor don’t deserve to be punched in the face. By her husband, by anyone. I simply can’t understand how the wealth of evidence to support the idea that Taylor was abused can be explained away, but disliking someone on a reality TV show can go a long way toward how someone interprets facts, I suppose.

The sad thing is that the same sort of “explaining away” happens to lots of women, most of them who are also imperfect victims but without the resources that Taylor had to remove herself from the situation, and it merely feeds the insidious nature of domestic violence. It’s disgraceful, and it makes me feel really sad for women in bad situations who haven’t lived angelic lives, and as a result, feel like they can’t get any help because no one will believe them.

That being said, when Taylor explained this all to the group, Adrienne and Camille rightfully piped up to say that the way Camille had been treated in this situation had been inappropriate and she was owed an apology. Surprisingly, Taylor offered her one straight away, and it wasn’t the average non-apology that we usually get during a unpleasant confrontation on this show. Taylor said exactly what she should have and seemed to understand why the things she did were wrong and why that put Camille in a bad situation, which was like a bright, gleaming ray of self-awareness from a person who has completely lacked it so far. Maybe her skeezy, fame-grubbing therapist is actually doing her a bit of good here and there, in between camera ops.

Elsewhere, as an ending act to the episode, Kim finally emerged from a bathroom, peppy and bright, after having been inside of it for a period of time that concerned approximately a half dozen people outside. Maybe the famewhoring therapist should give Kim one of his cards.

If this episode felt like a placeholder to you, it’s because it probably was. Airing a show with an overwhelmingly female audience opposite of something like the Golden Globes telecast is a losing proposition if you actually care who sees the episode, but if it’s just a bunch of random scenes thrown together before a big plot point happens, then it’s perfect. How many of you actually watched Real Housewives last night?

We started with Kim with a gun. There’s no good way to ease you into that – someone (namely her baby daddy) thought it would be a good idea to arm kim so that she can defend her weave against attackers. They even brought the baby to the shooting range and everything. Family moment! I hope they had ear protectors in infant size. But it’s Georgia, after all. They probably did.

Our next stop was a a double date with Phaedra, Apollo, Cynthia and Peter, who apparently had not gotten divorced yet. (We gave you a week to make that happen, Cynthia. What the hell?) They sat down to eat and chit chat, and the only things I remember about the interaction were that Phaedra announced a group trip to South Africa to explore the motherland and I felt a little uncomfortable with Cynthia’s bangs. Something was just…not quite right with them. I don’t know if they were too short or too long or too wide or not quite wide enough, but there was an issue with the bangs and it completely distracted me from everything else that was going on.

Secondly, on the topic of sending the Atlanta housewives to Africa: obvious much, Bravo? I can tell you exactly what the thought process was behind this trip, and it went something like this:

“Hey, we haven’t let the Atlanta housewives go anywhere but Miami. There’s always huge drama on trips. Where should we send them?”
“Well, I mean, they’re black. Send ‘em to Africa?”
“Brilliant! That doesn’t seem stereotypical at all. But make sure you send them to South Africa, there’s still a bunch of white people there. So the crew will feel comfortable, you know.”

And thus, it was decided.

Next up, remember that skeevy pizza dude who violated every obvious etiquette rule of going on a date with a black woman a few weeks ago? Well, he was back and Nene was still entertaining his attention, mostly because he’s really rich. Nene had her sights set on opening a high-end lounge for rich people in Atlanta, and naturally, John was going to foot the bill. At least until he got tired of sleeping with her, of course. Until then, he would continue to buy her Louboutins and entertain her adorable little business ventures. Nene, for her part, was not refusing the free shoes. The whole interaction was extra hilarious when you know that, in the end, the only restaurant opening that happened for Nene was a Famous Famiglia pizza kiosk in the Sacramento airport. How’s that for glamourous? I hope you kept the shoes, dear.

In a completely different part of town, Phaedra and Kandi got together to take an African dance class because Kandi was trying to reduce the size of her donkey booty. She was a little nervous about dancing in front of the other people in the class, though, which didn’t make sense when you consider that Kandi’s been on stage (and now on TV) for most of her adult life. Because Phaedra doesn’t have an ounce of shame anywhere in her body, though, she had a great time in the class and adored the attention. Kandi, on the other hand, seemed both intimidated and mortified when it came time for her to dance. On the whole, though, the class looked like a hell of a lot of fun. Certainly more fun than, say, adult ballet.

After the dance class, Kandi and Phaedra huddled over in the corner to gossip, naturally. The gossip turned to Marlo, and specifically her mugshots and that one time that she tried to stab someone. Which, according to Marlo, is totally unfair, you guys. Doesn’t everyone have at least one almost-stabbing in their past? Sometimes you just gotta stab a bitch. She had it coming. She was talking to your man and she might have bought a drink on your tab. That totally earns you a stabbing in certain parts of town. Nothing to see here, move along.

Next on the agenda was a visit with Kim and Kroy to her psychic – you remember, the one who said she saw a baby boy in Kim’s future before she had even met Kroy? She might, you know, actually be a psychic. Of all the clairvoyants and “energists” and other various con artists that have graced Real Housewives, she’s the only one who has me curious about her abilities. I mean, she predicted a baby. That’s kind of cool, and also probably a lucky guess, but still kind of cool. Anyway, she said that Kim had another baby and a marriage in her future, which I’m inclined to believe. Track down this lady, I’d like her to put a hex on a guy I used to date. I’d pay good money.

In a slightly more serious setting, Phaedra and Sheree were being no more serious than you’d expect of them. They had descended on an African American history museum and announced their arrival by trying to look under a loin cloth on a display about slaves. This is why we can’t have nice things, Atlanta. This is it, right here. Anyway, after talking with a lady from the museum and generally behaving herself for a few minutes, Phaedra sounded more gung-ho than ever about the group’s upcoming trip to South Africa. Onward, ladies. It’s about time Bravo let y’all leave the continent. Just to hammer the point home, Phaedra then went back to her office and got the Vice President of Ghana on the phone, even though Ghana and South Africa are different countries. You know, just because she could.

The next thing we knew, it was time for the super awkward group dinner that we were all promised in the promos for this week’s episode. Kandi had decided to bring her mom to the restaurant as an incentive for everyone to act like adults, as though somehow the presence of someone’s mom would make them all revert back to kids being watched by their parents. And actually, now that I think of it, that’s not a bad scheme at all. That just might work. Kandi’s mom is pretty adorable, after all.

Except, uh, Mama Joyce was the one who actually brought up the drama between Nene and Kim (and Nene and Sheree, for that matter). She lectured them about how important it was not to throw away your friends and recognize petty issues when they come up, and she also commanded them to speak to each other. After some hemming and hawing, they actually did all speak to each other and no one yelled and flipped tables or tugged wigs or anything. Maybe someone’s mom should be required to chaperone every Real Housewives party. If we wanted the show to be boring and get cancelled, anyway. If you want it to stay crazy, you have to add booze and subtract moms.

Nene, Sheree and Kim are all old pros at this whole thing, though, so none of them were particularly moved my Mama Joyce’s overtures and encouragement. Neither Kim nor Sheree seems to have any desire to be friends with Nene in any capacity, and the feeling seemed to be mutual on Nene’s part. It turns out Mama Joyce was accidentally drunk, though, so that explains a lot of the sappy emotional stuff. Once her (well-intentioned) diatribe was over, everyone started rustling their purses and tossing their napkins onto the table and heading toward the door. And if dinner was that awkward, just imagine how much fun it’s going to be when they’re all trapped in Africa for god knows how long. Just wait, y’all. Just wait.

Oh, and Marlo’s going to come. That shouldn’t be a problem at all.

In and of itself, that probably wasn’t a surprise, and neither was the fact that Ken acted like a total creeper the entire time. The extent to which he was actually scary, though, surprised even me, as did the extent to which neither of them seemed to think that their chronic lateness and disregard for the rest of the group would be an issue for anyone. Surprise! It totally was.

We started back in Hawaii, where Adrienne and Paul were going on a romantic hike, except WAIT, SNAKES! Snakes everywhere. We didn’t actually see any, but Adrienne was sure that they would be there. So there were snakes, but still no Kim. Except, wait, there she was too! She and Ken had finally arrived, a full day late, and the hotel had been nice enough to put them in a room that shared a wall with Kyle and Mauricio (WHO WAS SHIRTLESS). Because that’s exactly what you want to hear through the wall at night – your sister’s desperate junkie humping.

After a little bit of complaining, the show thankfully moved on to a beautiful outdoor dinner for Mauricio’s birthday. Everyone actually managed to show up on time for the meal, but things didn’t stay pleasant for long. When asked why they were a full day late for the vacation, Kim suddenly abandoned the line about her driver’s license – Ken had to work! Ken is retired, but he works one day a week, and the day that he had to work was the day that they all flew to Hawaii. So they came the next day! Except she had already told Kyle that it was because of driver’s license and passport issues, and Kyle had already told everyone else the original reason, so everyone knew that she was a big fat liar. Personally, I think they were probably both too wasted to make it to the airport in time and it was all bullshit, but that’s just a guess. An educated guess.

The conversation then turned to another couple – Taylor and Russell. Apparently there was some conflicting information going on about whether or not Russell was leaving or she was leaving or what was going on, and Adrienne and Paul were lodging their official bets on how long the breakup would last. He was charitable with an estimate of two weeks; Adrienne, on the other hand, assumed they would be back under the same roof in 48 hours. We all know how things actually turned out, I guess.

It wasn’t long, though, before talk turned back to Kim and Ken’s lateness. Kim was defiant and unconcerned that she had been so rude to the entire group, and for some reason, no one really pushed her all that hard on the subject. At this point, I’m not sure why someone hasn’t gotten in her face – ignoring an addict’s bad behavior just enables them to continue to self-destruct, and in this case, it enables them to continue to be in what is clearly an unhealthy relationship. Someone needs to really let Kim have it and not tiptoe around her. Mauricio tried to explain to Kim that the lying on top of the lateness and rudeness created a lot of tension, but I’m not sure that it penetrated the thick haze of whatever it was that Kim was on. She certainly didn’t have any kind of meaningful response to it.

The next day, the whole group was supposed to go out on a rented boat, which is normally an activity that most people would appreciate having arranged for them to enjoy, free of charge. Not Kim and Ken, though. Twenty minutes after the boat was supposed to leave, no one had seen hide nor hair of Frick and Frack, so Lisa spearheaded a recovery mission to find out what kind of k-hole they had fallen into. She and Kyle scaled a wall (sort of) to pound on the patio door to their hotel room so that they would actually open their real door, at which point Kim declared that only Kyle would be allowed to enter. Lisa doesn’t follow instructions from people like Kim, though, so she told them that they were being rude and they needed to be ready now.

Kim mumbled something back about the phone or the clock or something, Ken protested that you couldn’t hear whatever it was that was supposed to make an alarm noise, and Lisa and Kyle went back to the boat. And then…the boat left! Someone grew a backbone and left Latey McLaterson and her troll boyfriend on the shore so that they could all enjoy their boat ride without those two getting the junkie sweats and skeeving everyone out.

Instead, Frick and Frack found a random table on the sidewalk somewhere to “have lunch” and slur at each other. As Kyle pointed out later, they didn’t go to the beach or to the pool or even to get a couple’s massage. They just sat there, acting wasted and dribbling out a bunch of nonsense about how Kim should always smile and no one should ever make her unhappy. Kim, it’s worth noting, was also wearing some kind of strange choker with her bathing suit that made her look like she stepped straight out of 1994.

Back home in Beverly Hills, Taylor and Dana-Pam (who apparently didn’t get invited to Hawaii, even after all of her begging) got together to have a chef-prepared meal in a palatial kitchen and boohoo about Taylor’s breakup. Perhaps it’s because we’ve all been hearing about it for so long in the regular press, but I had a hard time listening to the scene. Mostly I just wanted my very own piece of salmon, which, sadly, was not forthcoming.

In Hawaii, another group get-together was planned and more Ken and Kim drama went down. Ken was hiding behind a bush and overheard part of what seemed to be a fairly innocuous conversation between Adrienne, Kim and Paul, and he stopped the entire group cold and confronted them about what was being said. He accused Adrienne of making some kind of bad face, which is just silly, because we all know that Adrienne’s face doesn’t really move all that much. The entire scene was bizarre and frankly a little scary – he seemed more than willing to try and intimidate anyone he didn’t like into shutting up, and I can only imagine what he’d be like in a one-on-one relationship with a petite, insecure woman like Kim. Particularly if he was the one controlling her supply of whatever it is that she’s, which I’m beginning to think was the case.

Things actually did progress to the sit-down portion of the meal, though, against all logic, but they didn’t stay there for long. Kyle tried to rather delicately broach the issue of rudeness and lateness and (tangentially, at least) junkieness with Frick and Frack, but they both decided that they didn’t care (or, more accurately, Ken decided for them and made a bunch of “we” declarations) what anyone said because they’d do what they wanted and Kyle is just, like, totally harshing their mellow, you know? So they got up and left instead of actually taking any sort of responsibility for their actions or the frustrations that they’d caused for the group, because how dare anyone tell them that they’re behaving like spoiled teenagers? And utterly creepy spoiled teenagers at that.

In their absence, the rest of the table actually fell into argument, despite the fact that I think they all mostly agreed that Kim was out of line, Ken’s presence seemed to make her problems worse and Kyle needed to intervene as much as she could. Or, you know, stop enabling the entire thing at the very least. Brandi, of all people, was the one to step in with the reality check that the scene needed – Kim obviously has issues and needs help, but going around and picking up after her only enables her to continue to live with those problems instead of confronting them. And by “live with those problems,” I mean literally live with Ken and whatever stash he’s enticing her with. Kim was just released from rehab and is no longer with Ken, according to Kyle, so at least there’s been a bit of progress since this episode was shot.

We got an opportunity to spend a little more time with our new quasi-housewife Marlo, who copped to her long arrest record but then tried to create a diversion by taking us to Ted Turner’s house. All in all, a solid ploy! We also visited a funeral home with Phaedra and Apollo and a marriage counselor with Peter and Cynthia, both of which were about as awkward and unpleasant as one might expect.

We started at Phaedra’s house, where baby Aedan (or however she misspells it) and Grandma Parks were playing with flash cards in the kitchen when Phaedra showed up to talk about her future in the fabulous funeral business. Apollo, quite sensibly, was still creeped out over the entire thing, but Phaedra continued to insist that she’d be great at chucking people into the ground and that Apollo would make the perfect corpose-fetcher because he likes to drive fast. Because clearly, an erratic driver is the person to whom you want to release the body of a recently deceased loved one. Strap grandpa to the back of the Benz and let’s roll, y’all.

In further unpleasantness, our next stop was a fight that Cynthia and Peter were having. If you recall, Peter ducked out on her modeling school launch party without even saying goodbye, and Peter didn’t see why there was any problem with him doing that. After all, there are things he doesn’t like about Cynthia, even though she’s pretty! She doesn’t go on dates with him anymore, for example! So, you know, that completely excuses any douchebaggery that he may perpetrate on her, because he’s been like this from day one, and she should have known. I’ll agree with him on that last part, at least – Cynthia should have known. Her sister and her mama told her, and all the rest of us saw it coming a mile away. She’s in this situation because she was too weak-willed it get herself out of it.

There was also unrest in the Zolciak household, where everyone was trying to unpack the Versace china (HOW APPROPRIATE) that they’ll never use and Brielle was acting like a typical spoiled teenage girl going through changes in family and environment. There was a bunch of standard bickering and eye-rolling and mother-daughter clashing, but nothing of particular note. Teenage girls and their mothers argue. Biiiig surprise there, y’all.

Over at Kandi’s house…well, actually, Kandi was over at Jo Dee Messina’s house in Nashville with one of her songwriting partners, as was promised in the last episode. After some poking around in Jo Dee’s living room, Kandi sat down to sing for her supper, so to speak, and they bounced a few ideas off of each other. As a creative person, what struck me most about the scene is that it has to be difficult to collaborate with someone new in that way. After a few bumps, though, Kandi and Jo Dee landed on something that sounded like it might actually be a really good song, at least in the context of the kind of music that Jo Dee Messina does. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. After all, you guys, Kandi wrote “No Scrubs.” We all know how I feel about that song.

Of course, we then had to make a stop with Nene, who was at some kind of mediocre restaurant with Marlo wherein they talked about (allegedly) having dated the same man and Marlo (allegedly) having some, uh, trouble with the law. But, but…five of the seven arrests were only probation violations! She only did six months in jail! None of that even really counts, you know? It’s not like she was cooking meth, right? She just has a few mugshots and she may have gotten prison married to a woman with a shaved head but that’s all in the past. THERE’S NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

Back at Kim’s house, Sheree showed up. I had almost forgotten that Sheree existed, but there she was, arriving at Kim’s brand new house with yoga mats and a juicer and a bunch of food that comes from the earth that Kim had never experienced before. Ginger! Kim is scared of ginger. We’ve seen Kim eat chicken fingers that come from Domino’s, but ginger? Ginger is terrifying. It might bite back. You never know. It hadn’t been properly processed into quasi-food yet, and that’s the only think Kim’s used to eating. Sheree was actually able to get Kim to consume some ginger as part of some sort of juice concoction, but I’m convinced that the only reason Kim drank it is because she slipped some tequila into the glass under the counter.

Speaking of being processed, we then moved on to Phaedra and Apollo once more, who were being given a tour of an active funeral home. The tour included the room where embalming and cleaning happened, and although Phaedra seemed to think it was great, Apollo was suitably terrified. Anytime someone talks about draining the fluids out of dead people, the correct response is revulsion. If you don’t have that response, please seek professional help. As a side note, I can only imagine what the makeup that Phaedra puts on dead people will look like. Keep that in mind before consulting her for your funereal needs, ladies and gentlemen.

On a completely different note, Marlo and Nene got together again for an Atlanta social event that was actually a social event. By Atlanta standards, at least, you don’t really get any more hoity-toity than Ted Turner’s daughter and his main bitch. (Although, if you’re said main bitch, how on earth do you follow Jane Fonda?) Apparently the point of the event was to sell jewelry for charity, but all of the jewelry was out of the price range of our dear housewives, so they didn’t buy anything. Ted Turner money and Nene Leakes money are two very different levels of money, despite Lenethia’s protestations to the contrary.

At the Parks household (I’m assuming that Apollo took her last name, since that seems to be how this relationship goes), negotiations were ongoing about the idea of opening a funeral home. Apollo finally acquiesced, as we knew he would, and he agreed to console families and be the pretty face at the front of the operation. Lord knows that Phaedra’s not sensitive or a people person, so it’s probably for the best that Apollo wants to take that role. Hopefully he’ll do it shirtless. Or just completely naked. You know, depending on the amount of consoling that each family needs.

In slightly less functional couples news, Cynthia and Peter had actually managed to be self-aware enough to realize that they needed marriage counseling. They went to see the man who married them because Cynthia thought that perhaps he could “fix” them, and if ever there was an early indicator that this whole enterprise was doomed, it’s the assumption that a third party can fix the problems between two other people. Also an indicator that things were doomed: Cynthia’s passive-aggressive Yankees hat.

Once the session had begun, Cynthia called Peter a dinosaur, Peter complained that he didn’t really want to talk about the things he liked about Cynthia and it all generally seemed like one red flag after another. The couple was then dismissed into the parking lot, at which point Cynthia told Peter that she still loves him but she doesn’t like him all that much. Have we ever found someone who actually likes Peter? I think Nene wanted to make the beast with two backs with him for a while, but does anyone, you know, appreciate him as a person? Not that I know of, right? Well, that doesn’t look to be changing any time soon, so don’t hold your breath. Although maybe Peter will hold his and solve this problem for everyone. Or maybe Cynthia will just divorce him and be done with it, although I think we can all agree she doesn’t have the backbone for that. Maybe Leon can make another cameo and help convince her next week.