I warned y’all this was going to happen, so don’t say that I didn’t.

In fact, I warned you back in May that Jimmy Choo seemed intent on foisting the Jimmy Choo Solar Studded Hobo on the fashion world, and it took a little longer than we (or the company, probably) anticipated to get here, but did you use that time to prepare yourself? To prepare your eyes to view…this? I bet you didn’t.

Pictures of this bag were originally released with the Fall 2011 collection, so I’m not sure why it’s showing up on the Neiman Marcus arrivals page now, just when Spring 2012 is hitting stores, but I’m going to give everyone involved the benefit of the doubt by assuming that someone actually thought better of making this bag available for sale. I don’t know if it was the brand, the store or some crafty intern somewhere down the line who misdirected this shipment in a heroic bid to save us all, but like that bug that just can’t be effectively squashed, this design has lept out from behind a piece of furniture to terrify us.

Ok, so I’m being a little dramatic, but this thing is hideous. It’s not even a design, really. It’s just a plain leather hobo with a bunch of crap stuck to it in a seemingly random assortment, and the only person I can imagine having real affection for it is someone who considers themselves a hardcore astrology buff. And if you do, well, here’s your bag. I hope you’re happy. Buy through Neiman Marcus for $1795.

When I discovered the Jimmy Choo Whipstitched Fur Crossbody on Neiman Marcus’s sale page (naturally) last night, my brain flooded with innumerable questions. Why had I never seen this bag before? Surely it had been around for a while if it’s now on the sale page? I trawl Neiman Marcus for things to write about nearly every day, how did I miss it? Did it go directly to the sale page, do not pass go, do not collect $200? Might this be the most heinously awful crime against humanity that I’ve ever seen from a major handbag brand, or is it too hilarious to really be bad?

I’m not even sure I know where to start. The bag apparently comes with its very own (attached!) bed of raccoon tails so that no matter where you place it, it’s sure to act as an extremely expensive Swiffer and attract all the loose dust in a twelve-inch radius. Not to mention that while you’re walking, that giant wad of fur is going to be dangling from your hip the entire time.

And then there’s the strap! It looks like the kind of thick, fancy rope that you’d find at an upholstery shop frequented by the Real Housewives of New Jersey. No, actually, this is what it reminds me of (if you don’t know where this is headed, skip to around 3:30):

If the whipstitched reptile-and-leather bag had been on a normal strap, it would have been a perfectly passable crossbody option, but with half a dozen tassles and yards of rope and pounds of fur, it’s hard to remember that there’s even a bag there. I could imagine this bag looking the part in a Russian-themed Vogue editorial, but beyond that, I hope that no one plans to actual purchase or carry it. Buy through Neiman Marcus for $1336 (was $1995).

Much to my eternal delight, leopard print is going absolutely nowhere. It came on strong as an accessories trend last fall, but the pattern has been falling in and out of favor for decades and it’s here to stay as long as fashion’s love for maximalism remains strong. In fact, the amount of leopard that’s surfacing for Fall 2011 might be an all-time high for the modern fashion industry.

Assuming that you’re still in to leopard, that means you’ve got some accessories decisions to make. Natural or grey? Satchel or tote? Partially leather or all haircalf? Alaia Leopard Satchel or Jimmy Choo Gaia Leopard and Leather Tote? Personally, I’ll pick Alaia every day, all day, but take a look at the larger pictures and pricing information after the jump before you let us know which design wins this Bag Battle.

Alaia Leopard Print Satchel, $4770 via Net-a-Porter

Jimmy Choo Gaia Leopard and Leather Tote, $2295 via Net-a-Porter

Structure can be a great design element when implemented properly. In fact, some of the most timeless bags feature a bit of structure to their design, like the Hermes Birkin and Chanel Classic Flap. Yet there are times when a structured bag simply does not work, and this may be one of those times.

The Jimmy Choo Catherine Leopard-Print Satchel uses soft yet structured leather which is offset by leopard-print calf hair. There are double shoulder straps which appear long enough to fling over your shoulder, but because of the bags structure it may sit awkwardly against your body if carried that way. Many pockets make this bag functional, but all the functionality in the world does not help a design that is missing the mark. Oh Jimmy Choo, your shoes have fallen down the rabbit hole as of late, and your bag designs are so hit-or-miss. Buy via Neiman Marcus for $1,795.

Fill in the blank: The Jimmy Choo Catherine Leopard-Print Satchel is ______________.

A bag doesn’t need to come from a collection with a strong and unified design vision to be good, but more often than not, the best bags do. Starting with a clear point of view gives a set of designs a singular vision and set of references from which to pull, and knowing what those are going in to the creation process tends to lead to better and more rigorous editing, something that Jimmy Choo’s Fall 2011 Handbags could have really used.

As I look at these pictures, I started out optimistic; a good dose of structure was perhaps exactly what was needed in order to set Choo on the right track. But as I continued to click through bags, things got weirder and weirder, and not in a chic way. Several bags are covered in metal Zodiac medallions, some of them are giant, structureless puffs of fur, one in particular is very much in need of a shave. My advice to the folks at Jimmy Choo would be to keep the box clutches and start from scratch with everything else.

Photos via Style.com

If you spend as much time on the Internet as we do (for your sanity’s sake, we hope you don’t), you’ve surely heard that a poisonous cobra has escaped from the Bronx Zoo and is now amusing and terrifying much of New York City. No one has any idea where the snake has crept off to, but now has its own hilarious Twitter account and has taken the place of Charlie Sheen as the Internet meme du jour. The Bronx Zoo cobra is doing all the winning now, Mr. Sheen.

There’s only one proper way to celebrate this slithering little wastrel, and no, it’s not with a snakeskin handbag. That would probably just upset him, and if you were to come across a poisonous cobra, the last thing you would want to do is hurt his feelings. (Or worse, make him think that you want to catch him and make him into a tasteful evening bag.) No, ladies, you need to immortalize the Bronx Zoo cobra in gemstones with the help of the Jimmy Choo Candice Snake Suede Clutch. I think there’s a “snake charming” pun in here somewhere.

I have a thing for reptile jewelry anyway, and that includes several crystal-encrusted snakes in my collection, usually in the form of bracelets. This clutch would have appealed to me as a way to tie my handbags into my costume jewelry stash, but the synchronicity of its appearance right as a snake has taken over meme culture adds an extra layer of appeal. At some chic Manhattan boutique, I’m sure that some very clever socialite is thinking the same thing and buying this clutch right now. Hopefully the snake will be located soon so that this clutch can go back to being just a normal evening bag with a vintage twist. Buy through Net-a-Porter for $1595.

I’ve felt more positive about Jimmy Choo’s designs for Spring 2011 than I have about the company’s handbags in what seems like quite a while, and this bag in particular is an example of what Choo tends to do right. It has a note of bohemia without being outright hippie-dippy, and the metallic finish on the python adds an extremely luxurious touch. The deep suede trim provides just enough contrast to keep the gunmetal python from looking over-the-top. Balance: It’s a beautiful thing.

Neutrality with multiple textures, materials and colors is a difficult thing to create, but the accessories team at Choo did a fine job here. This bag could be carried in basically any situation where a black bag would be appropriate, but the exponentially higher level of visual interest that a choice like this provides pays plenty of style dividends. As always, though, you’ll have to decide for yourself if it’s worth the elevated price. Buy through Net-a-Porter for $4250.

The Jimmy Choo Phebe Woven Leather Tote might not seem like an innovative design achievement, and that’s because it’s not. What it is, though, is perhaps as close to an ideal high-end summer bag as you can get. And maybe that’s just as good, if not better.

We’ve spoken previously about the unpleasantness of laying down four figures for a straw bag, and it’s something that I just cannot bring myself to do. It’s not an issue of income, but one of principle – I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that those bags aren’t worth the exorbitant prices, and I already have to suspend disbelief to drop that kind of money on leather. To do it for straw is beyond the pale.

What Choo has given us here is the best of both worlds. This tote has the same breezy, lightweight, handmade (although it’s not) feel of a straw beach bag, but instead, it’s woven leather with a subtle shade variation and some seriously cool handle attachments. I wish it were also available in brighter colors, but if you like tan for spring, this is a great bag to get the beach feel with luxurious materials. Just don’t take it to the actual beach. Buy through Saks for $1650.

In a sense, then, I suppose that the Jimmy Choo Tone Leather Shoe Case would solve some people’s problems, but for me, it just creates a lot of confusion and questions. First and foremost, why does it cost over two grand? Some luxury brands don’t even charge that much for an actual suitcase that will hold both clothes and shoes.

As shoe cases go, it does seem to be a nice one. The interior is spacious enough to hold several pairs and lined in a lovely leopard that won’t show wear from holding dirty footwear, and although I don’t like the embossing on the outside at all (in fact, I think it looks pretty cheap), leather is leather and it’s nice to have it. But how is this case supposed to be carried? Should it be one of your carry-ons, meaning that you can’t bring your bag full of electronics and snacks on board with you? Should it fit inside your suitcase? If it’s supposed to be packed inside other luggage, why go to the expensive of making it all leather, and why give it those bulky handles? And more than anything, how much money do you have to have to pay four figures for something to hold a couple of pairs of shoes when you travel? I told you I had a lot of questions… Buy through Net-a-Porter for $2295.

I have previously covered the Sky Hobo which was met with positive reviews. But now I found a version I love even more, the Jimmy Choo Sky Snake-Trim Leather Hobo.

Isn’t she lovely? There is the perfect combination of textures and trimmings. We first have snakeskin trim, which is not over-powering rather the perfectly needed addition. And my favorite add-on is the romantic rosettes (one larger and one smaller). With a simple hobo shape, the extra touches are precisely what this bag calls for. There is a black leather option, but I have my eye set on the powder pink option. Pre-order via Neiman Marcus for $1,350.