Fugly

Like I have said many times, I grew up on the ocean. Well not on it per say, although I always wanted to live in the ocean in Stilt City but that is besides the point. My family was never much of a fisher-family, seeing that both my mom and I are allergic and we all rather have someone prepare our food rather than take all that time to slice, dice, and remove parts. All things aside, we still would go on boats often and still had friends that liked to fish and use nets to catch all sorts of ocean critters. We used to wade in the sand bars and catch little crabs and other marine life in nets. The nets we used looked like a slightly different version of the Dolce & Gabbana Vitello Canvas Tote which appears more like a fisherman’s accessory than an accessory for a lady on solid shore ground. This canvas bag sports net-like woven metallic leather and a wooden top handle. Might as well give the dimensions seeing that you need to know the size of marine life that you can fit in here; 11½”H X 15″L X 5″W. Totally hideous and if I were sitting on way too much money, I’d cut out the canvas lining and literally use this metallic net to catch something or other out there. At least I would do it and make a fashion statement. Fugly and overpriced through Saks for $1550.

Proudly sporting the ‘Art to Wear Girl Scout Badge’

Oh yes, I was in girl scouts. You better believe it. And when I was too young to be in girl scouts, I was an honorary members of my sisters troop (where my mom was of course the troop leader). One of my favorite activities was tie-dyeing. For every activity out there, there is a girl scout badge, I kid you not. You glue Popsicle sticks together with glue, you got yourself a new badge. But the tie-dyeing, now that was a badge well earned. Problem is the actual process because if you do not treat the garment properly, you end up with a brown creation, and who wants that really?! I have my hand in my imaginary girl scout troop leader badge drawer and and pulling out an ‘Art to Wear Badge’ for the designers behind the Miu Miu Camoscio Tie-Dye Tote. The folks behind the bag sure do deserve their badge, seeing that they were able to tie-dye suede with white and blue and even tie-dye the double handles. On top of this, the bag has a pleated front and a removable cross body strap (I’d keep the strap for outdoor adventures and campfires). Ah, you all catch my sarcastic drift here. Scouts honor, I am not trying to be rude, the bag is partially cute, it’s just not for me. Through Saks for $1445 (now you know that a girl scout really did not make this bag!)

I find that many women obsess over sizing. ‘Good gawd this is an 10, I don’t wear a 10! I’m not buying this’ or ’seriously I am going on a diet and once I get to my goal these 6’s will fit’. Ladies, for years I had a closet full of ‘once-I-get-to-the-size-I-like-clothes. They inevitably never fit, and at times (a long time ago I tell you), I would pull those pants up, lay ont he ground, do lunges, stretch and squeeze, until the pants would fit. BAD idea. The fact that the pants could ‘fit’ was not a good sign, because they were so far from flattering that it was gaggable. Learn from this ladies, buy clothes that fit, don’t look at the sizes! This happens in the handbag realm also, not ALL handbags look good on everyone. A huge bag could look really overpowering on a small framed person just as a really tiny bag can look ridiculous on a tall/larger framed person. If you look in the mirror when trying on a handbag, and you are not sure, do not buy it. This is exactly the thought that came to my mind when I saw this De Couture Metallic Shoulder Strap Handbag, well that, and actually that it is completely fugly either way. Simply put, metal and leather are combined in an Medieval like manner, with a thick shoulder strap of metal, and a ring that connects to the small compartment bag. Totally not for me (since I am 5′10), and totally not for me even if I were 4′10.

Through Luisaviaroma for $920.

Top left to right, bottom left to right

Fendi Laser Cut Satchel $1240 via Saks, Marc Jacobs Collection Quilted Nylon Kristen $675 at eLuxury, Chloe Denim Logo Tote through Bergdorf Goodman $830, Marc by Marc Jacobs Laminated Tote via eLuxury $278.

When a designer begins to feel insecure about his or her name and really wants to make sure people know who he is, he will sling his/her entire name on a bag. I am not even a huge fan of logos, although some I can stand (and even own), but this flagrant full name dropping just looks dumb. Chloe your offense is not as bad, but still pretty bad. Fendi, at least you laser cut your name which makes it half-cool. We know who you are Marc, fling your name on and we will laugh; but throwing your name recklessly all over your bag in multi-coloring has me rolling around on the floor laughing (at you, not with you). I am all for getting your name out there, but have a little class. Less is more. We will learn to love you and your bags, without your name on them. This brings me back to the days of grade school, when kids had the backpacks with their names on them. Quit it, seriously.

Yesterday I spoke of simplicity working wonders in the world of handbags, today I will talk about trying too hard which inevitably can create a handbag disaster. I am a huge fan of Chloe, heck, I have 2 Chloe bags. I would even love a Chloe evening bag. Here is what I would not love: the Chloe Aubrey Bracelet Bag. Pretty much this handbag gets a C in creativity but an F+ in production. I’d rather not look as if my bag were a belly dancers skirt, thank you very much. First Chloe begins with the black leather base, which is perfectly acceptable. I even like the ring shaped bracelet handle for various occasions. The downhill spiral begins with the ‘mixture of gold and silver hardware’. The meaning of this is gold and silver disks are placed about to dangle from this bag only on the front side. This no doubt will bring attention to you, you know, the kind of attention you really do not want. I’d prefer people check out my understated bag that is drop dead gorgeous than look at me carrying around a bag that looks as if miniature men want to play the cymbals. Via Net-A-Porter for $1,377.

Way back in once upon a time, I was in grade school. Come 6th grade, there was a school dance. I wore some dress of horrors I am sure and had really fugly lipstick on too I am sure and no doubt stood at one end of the gym while the boys were on the other end. At the odd chance that any of the boys and girls danced, the nuns and teachers ran up to us, pulled us apart with their hands, and said ‘Keep Jesus Between You”. I am not kidding. And during that time, I carried an evening bag that was most probably cheap and not chic. Come to think of it, the Miu Miu Crystal Embellished Purse looks as if at its best it could be carried by another 6th grader to an awkward dance. One side has crystal ‘embellishment’ flung about it as if a 6th grader bought fabric glue and took a trip to JoAnn’s fabrics, and on the other side there is plain black silk with the Miu Miu logo. I’d advise all Miu Miu personale to remove the logo and let this purse go on looking as if it were made by the 6th grader to be carried to the 6th grade dance. Via Net-A-Porter for $550.

5. Fendi Crossword Grande Mirrored Bag.

I know silver is the new gold, but I prefer not looking at myself on this bag. I can picture bystanders giving me the ‘are you seriously wearing that bag’ look which I would be able to see in the reflections of my handbag. Sure, at first glance it is not awful, but the picture on the model makes me really not like this thing at all. The silver coated calf leather is gives the seat-belt effect again and the perforated double F logo is so beyond my style. Maybe the bag would even be better with no panels, no perforations, and a better shape. That means we need a new design from scratch. Way too much; $2230 at eLuxury.

4. Fendi Transparent Zucca Tote with Pouch.

Looking just like the mesh mask layer that protects beehive workers, this tote bag is made with nylon and trimmed with Zucca canvas. You know what I would do with this tote… I’d sew right into the bag with yarn like I did as a child. That is precisely what Fendi is asking for with this ‘semi-sheer’ bag. Sure it is not the worst of the bunch, but I would not carry it to the beach or even use it to store dirty diapers. A waste of $475 via eLuxury.

3. Fendi Crossword Patent Clutch.

Look at me, look at me, I’m a Fendi clutch. For some reason even though handbag designer recognition is high, handbag designers think we all need their name all over our bags. Why? I could care less for the world to see the name Fendi randomly placed all over my clutch. I do love the patent leather, the polished silvertone metal handles (with their slight F design), but the silver mirror like coated letters plain old suck. Take em’ off, and I’ll be forgiving. Great size though; 12″x 5.75″x 1.5″. $920 through eLuxury.

2. Fendi Crossword Grande Net Bag.

Boring. We have all seen seatbelt bags, or the like, but to see a design house like Fendi use large net panels to weave like a basket is overly dull. For a price like this, I guarantee you could find about one bajillion better bags (ok, taken from Austin Powers, but still just about true). There is some patent leather trim thrown about. Fendi, if you are going to use seat belts, at lease grab them from a respectable car rather than an entry-level 16 year old’s car. I’d put the $1580 towards the down payment of a nice car with nice seat-belts, not this bag at eLuxury.