Fugly

After I did a lovely write up on the gorgeous Fendi bags that do exist, I feel totally let-down by this hideous number. I’m going to take a stab at what happened here. Karl Lagerfeld spent this past winter in North Dakota in the mountains and never once had human interaction. Then he proceeded to become so lonely that he made friends with a squirrel, let’s call him Chuckles. So then as Karlito began to experience worse and worse winter woes, he decided he had nothing left to do but slaughter his squirrel friend, Chuckles, and use him for a design on his new Fendi Suede Hobo. Yes, that sounds about right. This bag had me laughing so hard trying to figure out what was going on that I think I burned enough calories to consider this hysteric attack my work out for the day (at least I will tell myself that). What a joke. This bag is being called, “A hip hobo with that must-have logo and a playful squirrel—another Fendi signature”. Oh how I beg to differ. The bag has the tiny zucchino logo pattern splattered all over it on brown suede. Then comes the biggest mess: a dark brown/orange/green suede squirrel appliqué with black topstitching and none other than a gray fox fur tail on the front of the bag. My question is, if you are going to use a squirrel picture, why not just slab the tail on there too? Seeing that squirrels are always road kill, can’t we just send Karl Lagerfeld out to I-95 to scoop some tails up? Here is the astonishing part. This Fendi Suede Hobo is on pre-order for $2,040 at Neiman Marcus. All I have left to say is poor Chuckles. R.I.P.

Good Lord knows that I hate poodles. I dispise them with every nucleus in my physical body, and beyond. Seeing their masters style them up like they are some sort of freakin’ art piece makes me want to spew. Perm and shaven butt, with poofed up afros that would make Snoop D-o-double-g himself turn Michael-pale of blushing, I can’t take it.

Neither can I take this fug-farkin-fugly Judith Lieber Poodle Minaudiere. Good God, it makes me want to flush my eyeballs with sulfuric acid, the concentrated kind. Hot Dog? I say strip the posh dog’s head and the tail, make it $4,500 cheaper (hint: that would make it free) and I will give it some credit. Until then, it remains the fug bag of the week. I don’t know what it would take to top this off. Admire this hideous creation at Bergdorf Goodman.

I like flowers, I really do. But excuse me Ms. Fiore while I gag. I’m sorry to any of you who I may offend but these bags just make me nauseous. Everything is wrong. Let me being with the soft leather, I don’t see it? Next we have the un-missable “leather flower in four delicious colors”. Delicious? I think not. Seriously, this post has to be short because this coin purse is just really making me want to shut my eyes and run the other way. This atrocity comes in black, yellow, and lavender and you can waste $75 on the Isabella Fiore “Flower In Hand” Wristlet Frame at Adasa.

Although my beloved Megs owns a Dooney Bucket Bag in white (that I am not particularly fond of to begin with), I am not a big D&B fan. Their recent line of handbags has been more than questionable. Some of their bags in the Alto, All-weather leather, or their croc duffles lines are still acceptable and presentable, but the new Dooney Bolero Bag just shoots the bird off the roof top.

The overall shape of the bag may be alright and easy on the eyes, but the bright colors and assets are not. The tassles up front look like Boyscouts Gone Wild Vol. 3 1/2. It looks like something a confused transvestite cowboy would wear, for Christ’s sake. Of course, no offense to those readers that actually like it. At 345 bucks, the Bolero Bag ranks #1 as our pick for Fug Bag of the Week. I will still uphold my right to freedom of creative expression and call you a masochist if you choose to purchase this piece at Dooney & Bourke.com.

Spring 2005 Fug is in full bloom. Oh yes, we’ve all been waiting patiently. St Tropez Essentials has decided to grace us with extreme fug and totally un-cool and un-funny and un-anything semi trendy phrases. Saint-Tropez is a breathtakinly beautiful place in southern France (one of my favorite beaches), not to mention a favorite vacation spot for celebs and this brand is doing the town absolutely no justice. These bags emanate a nauseous feeling of stomach churningly fugliness. I don’t find a single thing about this brand or these bags essential, not a thing.

Here’s the low down on the fug. These are PVC totes that have sayings written big and fugfully on the side such as Happy, Stuff, Lucky, Sexy, Rich, Bitchy, Shopping, and Love. A person who buys the bag that says Happy is an oxymoron because not a soul could be happy with a bag like that under their arm, a person who buys the bag that says Stuff is just plain stupid and doesn’t understand that the bag doesn’t make sense, a person who buys the bag that says Lucky is just plain lying to themselves and will never get lucky, a person who buys the bag who says Sexy must not have been to the eye doctor lately, a person who buys the bag that says Rich is living in a dream world and people will point and laugh, a person who buys the bag that says Bitchy is actually being just that for spending money on such fug, a person who buys the bag that says Shopping better not ever take that public, and for the person who actually buys the bag that says Love, please realize that not a soul on earth will love the bag or you while you carry it. To top it all off, the site actually has a footnote : “Happy is backordered and will be delivered March 30“. Oh lord, that alone lets me know some fashion victims out there are actually buying this handfug and that makes me oh so un-happy.

The fugness can be purchased for a ridiculous $68 at Shop Kitson – make sure you get the “Rich” version, when you’re high rollin’ like that.

Little Baby Buddah sheds two tears again. Why do you have to torture the little chubby guy with purses such as ^that^ thing… there. Is it a butt? Is it a bag? A butt bag? Plain hideous. Makes me want to use an eraser on my eyeballs.
Aside from the other emotions this fug bag triggers in me, it may perhaps just find a new home among the masochistic purse fetishists reading our blog. Available for $24 at What A Pair in red or black, why would you pay more for a bag that looks like ass anyhow. Pun totally intended.

The definition of fugly is here. This would be a perfect case for GFY if they only could catch a victim in the spotlight wearing cat, bird or deer on their wrists. These bags make Baby Buddah weep. Being in essence autumn bags, these fine purses by Patch NYC can still enrich your collection if you’re either a Greenpeace-luvin’ hippie, or you just like to get picked on like the fat kid got bullied in grade school. The bags start at $67.50.